A two-star officer was so vain about how good he looked in the updated uniform...

...he ordered all flare guns to be loaded with an action figure in his likeness. That's right: the Very model of a modern major general.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/conflateer
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..

..this isn't for me.

πŸ‘︎ 354
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter goes to a school that requires a uniform. Occasionally, the administration will reward the children with a free dress day.

For some reason, my daughter never comes home with her free dress...???

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.

She wants you to be more Roman-tic.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...

straightaway I knew he was a keeper

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/studentadvisor101
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I met my boyfriend at the zoo.

He walked past in a uniform and I thought "There's a keeper."

πŸ‘︎ 227
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BellaLugosisChips
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My ADHD medicine comes in a case shaped like a 3-sided polygon where each side is the same size, and the pills are distributed uniformly.

It's an equal Adderall triangle.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Sold, to the man in the uniform!
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chemfreeyard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does the military insist on wearing a uniform?

To minimise casual tees

πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/severus_snape9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
He totally is.
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hot_controller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sisters room.

I just had no idea she was a superhero.

πŸ‘︎ 200
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I like the uniform mechanics wear...

Overall.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EmperorOfFabulous
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is the army so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a police uniform?

A LAWsuit

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rhett9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What separates the Uninformed from the Uniformed

A single letter β€œn”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kor3nse
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did Alan Turing have uniform body density?

Cuz he was homogenius.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/principlefuker66
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
They say an informed racist is better than an uninformed racist. You know what's worse than an uninformed racist?

A uniformed racist!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BowelMovementator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine was kicked out of the army because his wound leaked onto the sergeants uniform.

It was a dishonourable discharge.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
While on shore leave, Captain Picard intends to fix a hole in his uniform the old fashioned way.

Without any replicators on the family orchard, he decides to do it analogue with his brother's old sewing machine.

He puts a thread through the needle, his uniform underneath, and switches it on. It whirs and grunts out clunking noises before being switched back off.

"Robert your machine is broken!"

"What do you want me to do about it, Jean-Luc?"

"I need you to make it sew!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call Han Solo in a JROTC uniform?

Garrison Ford.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctor_Oceanblue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
With Veteran's Day coming up, I asked my son if he knew why the army was so strict about their uniforms...

He didn't know, so I told him, "It's to minimize casual tees."

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2017
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always wanted a night in, shining armour.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyNuggets
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
🚨︎ report
If philosophers wore uniforms what would their badges say?

To observe and reflect.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kosmozoan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad's thoughts on my new work uniform..

So I recently got some part time work and I'm beginning today and my dad offered to give me a lift over. I had to pick up some black clothes aswell as part of my uniform.

We ere just getting ready to leave and my father was looking at me and said "You should of wore orange!", I hadn't a clue what the hell he was talking about, and before I could even reply he followed up "...because Orange is the New Black right?!" almost immediately!

He doesn't even watch the damn show..

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sefilis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
🚨︎ report
I got an email from my school uniform shop

The email was about navy blue pants for our Valedictory service. It said "Your navy pants have arrived...". I forwarded the email to my parents. My dad replied "Are you joining the Navy?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotterPal97
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Knight Shift!
πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Professor_Jamie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

πŸ‘︎ 187
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
So I know of this mall that uses animal employees...

I was walking along the food court when I saw this one animal that was incredibly overdressed compared to the others. While most where in their uniform, this one was in a red and gold robe, and was strangely being followed by a bunch of Buddhist monks.

I asked one of the customers if it was an Alpaca Packer.

They said no.

It's the Deli Llama.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Patyboomba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Yo Momma is so mean....

She has no standard deviation.

πŸ‘︎ 688
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SergePower
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2015
🚨︎ report
I came out with this on the street and she nearly pushed me under a bus.

We walked past a well-known tailor, they make fancy men's clothes and school uniforms to measure. She remarked on how she thought it must be an awful job. I saw my moment and it was glorious.

So I turned to her with barely contained glee and I said, "yeah, I'm sure it's tough but I bet it suits some people".

πŸ‘︎ 578
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/absurdperson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2015
🚨︎ report
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?

'You're stripping me of a job.'

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Asked my daughter why she wasn't dressed for school properly today.

Her: "I'm wearing my uniform; what's wrong with that?"

Me: "Today is national Ballerina Day; you're supposed to wear your ballet attire."

Her: "Today is national Ballerina Day?"

Me: "Yes. Today is national Ballerina Day - it's '2/2'."

Family at table: Groan

πŸ‘︎ 646
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gatorflier
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2015
🚨︎ report
A communist walks into a bar

He orders nothing, and instead just sits down at the bar and begins reading a newspaper.

β€œWhat’ll it be?” Asked the bartender.

β€œNothing.” Replied the communist, his face concealed behind the newspaper.

β€œYou don’t want anything?” Said the bartender.

β€œNo!” Replied the communist.

β€œLook,” said the bartender β€œyou can’t just sit at the bar and read without ordering anything. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

β€œDo you know who I am?” Asked the communist, as he slowly lowered the newspaper, revealing combed back black and grey hair, a large, bushy mustache, and a neatly kept Officer uniform with two gold stars pinned to the left breast.

The bartender stepped back, shocked. β€œWell now you’re just Stalin!”

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jhabibs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Why does the military use belts that are only one color?

Because they're uniform belts!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Saw what appeared to be the captain of our cruise ship at dinner

While on a cruise a few months ago, my wife, another couple and I were eating dinner in one of the fancier restaurants. We saw someone in uniform (who looked like the captain) eating dinner with a few others nearby.

Our friend asked "if that's the captain, then who's driving the boat?"

My response, "it's fine, he's got it on cruise control"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSobernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Serial killer

A serial killer who takes body parts as trophies was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm. When asked why he went after the officer despite the danger, he simply replied "It was a wrist I was willing to take."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aerd_Gander
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Who dad joked who?

My grandfather needed a fancy uniform that included a hat, so my dad decided it would make the perfect Christmas gift. He wanted it to be a surprise, but he still needed to measure his head for the hat size.

"All right, dad, I need to measure your head. We need to see who's smarter." "Sure, go ahead son."

My dad measures his dad's head, and then his own head. My dad has the bigger head.

"Hah! My head is bigger, so I'm smarter!" My grandfather replies, "Don't get a big head about it!"

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InsipidCelebrity
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my fiance

Going through the English alphabetic phonetics and she blanks on U and says U for unicorn?

Me: No. U for Uniform.

Her: Why can't U be a unicorn?

Me: Because I was born a human being babe.

Her: Rolls eyes and pulls the finger

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sciazs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad's Red Sox Halloween joke

So a little kid comes to the door in a Red Sox uniform and my Dad tells him " WOW! Congratulations on the World Series, such an accomplishment at your age !"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThickRippers
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2013
🚨︎ report
Dadjoke at the laboratory.

I work as a lab tech in my university, and as I was preparing some bacterial streak plates for some students (mind you, we use an innoculating loop to transfer bacteria from a sample tube to plates), I said to some of the students: "what did one bacteria said to the other? Let's get looped, and go streaking."

I received an uniform look of dissapointment and a couple of facepalms from the students while I giggled at my joke. The teacher loved it though.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jesusdo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees

πŸ‘︎ 785
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AmarSB2001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is the army so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is the Army so strict on uniforms?

To minimise casual tees

πŸ‘︎ 326
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Imnotafanoftoast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2017
🚨︎ report
What does a Unicorn wear to school?

Uniform

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrNakamura
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.