This was in the room when I got my massage. What's the first thing that comes to mind when reading this?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crassastronomy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2022
🚨︎ report
wife said.."This water stain was caused by a leaky faucet"

Husband "my sediments exactly"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2022
🚨︎ report
I hope this was done on purpose.
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Ant-Whisperer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2022
🚨︎ report
I posted this in a different sub and was told people here would enjoy it
πŸ‘︎ 449
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HTJ_Starboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
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I’m choosing to believe this was unintentional
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sagegreenowl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2022
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This geologist tried telling me his bag was full of granite.

I knew he was full of schist.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzguitarma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2022
🚨︎ report
I was standing naked in front of the mirror this morning and thought...

I'm going to get kicked out of this IKEA.

πŸ‘︎ 516
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phony54
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
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A convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to kill a cow in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this this is the first recorded case of a Knick Knack Paddy Wack.

:3

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreyMurphy01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
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I was working in a library and this guy comes up to me and asks,

β€œDo you have a bookmark?”

I said, β€œYes, we have hundreds, but my name’s Dave.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spottydogsoitis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2022
🚨︎ report
I just can’t believe this, robbers broke into my house, but all they took was my limbo stick.

I mean, how low can you go?

πŸ‘︎ 691
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProofTonight428
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I was browsing r/dadjokes and heard the same joke the 20th time this week and I said

Well damn

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dondegroovily
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2022
🚨︎ report
I was playing a firefighter game, and on this one level I had to rescue someone who got his arm stuck in a printing press

When I got him out, the game said "Achievement unlocked: Freedom of the press"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickcheney600
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2022
🚨︎ report
I asked this guy if he was going to be hauling anytime soon. He grimaced and replied "I'm a freight-not."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/memesarepeople2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2022
🚨︎ report
My windshield was covered in ice this morning and I didn't have a proper scraper to remove it so I used my store discount card.

But I only got 20% off.

πŸ‘︎ 762
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berkleysquare
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2022
🚨︎ report
I was in a bar last night and this dude said to me, β€œI’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!" I growled back...

β€œIs that a fret?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2022
🚨︎ report
There was this tramp…

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
🚨︎ report
This happened yesterday. My wife told me our 6 month old kitten was humping our shamrock blanket.

I told her he was just trying to get lucky.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOriginalGPS
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2022
🚨︎ report
Literally just thought of this. If Homer Simpson was Canadian and the national anthem played on tv at the bar, you know how he would sing it?

🎡Ooooh Can of Duff...🎡

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timothyp_98
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2022
🚨︎ report
Was driving through downtown Pigeon Forge and dropped this one…

So Pigeon Forge, Tennessee (US), is a HUGE tourist trap. We’re talking zip lines, roller coasters, Ripley’s Believe it or Not museum, Ferris wheels, life sized King Kong, etc. Anywhoo, I was driving the family through this insanity when my wife pointed out a building to the kids and said β€œlook at that one with all the giraffes on top! I wonder what that is!” Without missing a beat I said, β€œWelcome, to Giraffic Park!” And hummed the theme song while navigating through a left hand turn. I was proud and laughed out loud at my own joke. My 7 year old loved it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeresil
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2022
🚨︎ report
This was good
πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brownstonks17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell a joke about this website…..

But I bet ya’ll have already Reddit.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2022
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I told my wife I was taking her somewhere expensive this weekend.

She wasn’t happy when I drove her to the gas station.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-B-Zzz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
🚨︎ report
Why was the letter "h" banned from this sub?

Because people were complaining that a lot of jokes here weren't really H appropriate

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubendepuben2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I was worried that my maple tree died this winter, but its starting to grow new buds.

What a re-leaf!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlmostSane67
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2022
🚨︎ report
This was on r/memes but i had to repost it here (not originally mine)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyAltOnReddit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
🚨︎ report
It was a white Christmas kind of day and our fenced backyard was blanketed with crystalline beauty. We let our two little puppies out the back door. Amazingly, in a short period of time the yard was peppered with small holes over the entire surface. The cause of this was…..

snow little feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bardbelle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2022
🚨︎ report
I was told a joke about soil this morning...

... And it was a pretty dirty move to make.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AverageStudent_05
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
🚨︎ report
I heard it was raining on the radio this morning.

Good thing it's waterproof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2022
🚨︎ report
(I was told to post this here!) What do you call a missing lycanthrope?

A where-wolf.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kxlsin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2022
🚨︎ report
This morning when I was sleeping at 10, my wife phoned me and complained about my laziness

It was a wake-up call for me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vietlinh12hoa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2022
🚨︎ report
My brother told me this joke- thought it was amazing

What do we want? Race car noises! When do we want them? NEOWWWWWWWW

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtsyPineapple7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2021
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I heard there was a rule against spam in this subreddit...

https://preview.redd.it/9x3iobfdk4781.jpg?width=480&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b11c197d66e11443ffba45dd5d79e9cef75f451a

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeteyonMars
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2021
🚨︎ report
There was this crazy bank teller

She didn't make any cents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gameboy90
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2022
🚨︎ report
I was going to do reverse lunges this year for my fitness

But I feel that would just be a big step backwards..

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeaEnDoubleYou
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2022
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, the radio was playing Roxanne… this morning it was playing Don’t Stand So Close to Me.

Guess I found The Police Station.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saulfineman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2022
🚨︎ report
I got a box of dad jokes for Christmas, this was the first joke it shows:

Thanks for explaining the word β€œmany” to me

It means a lot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeeBoolean
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2021
🚨︎ report
The CEO of Ikea was elected President of Sweden this week.

He's still assembling his cabinet.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/no_compearison
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2021
🚨︎ report
^(idk if this counts or not.. This was told to me by a customer) "For 50 years of being married, me and the lady only had ONE fight...

...that I won"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prof1Kreates
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
🚨︎ report
I created this one while i was taking a dump. Why does the military loves computers ?

Because they love giving commands.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/senju_bandit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I thought I was in this sub when I first saw this. /r/CasualUK/comments/s30v…
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oohmegaslick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2022
🚨︎ report
Saw this when I was walking home from school. This tragic loss put me in eggcruciating pain.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alluxing
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I was looking for something to eat the other day & I found this Kentucky brand jelly my wife bought.

I tell you it don't matter, even if you put peanut butter on the bread too, you just can't make a decent sandwich with it. Got no taste.

I told her, "Woman, don't buy that KY jelly anymore!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
🚨︎ report
I was up super early this morning and I started wondering what time the sun would rise

Then it dawned on me

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dobraf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I had to post this somewhere. Was doing a report and accidentally wrote a pun
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2021
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This astromech was trying to convince me it's not a robot,

I told it, are too, D2!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kxlsin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
🚨︎ report
I heard this book was banned for its fowl language
πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSonsofAtreus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My son was playing with monster trucks and made a ramp out of a toy wedge of cheese. He said Hey dad, look at this!

I said, well thats what I call Swiss engineering.....

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AfterEffectserror
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2022
🚨︎ report

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