(Lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion.)"
God dammit, dad.
He decided to quit by handing in his too weak notice
"What percent?"
"I'm about 80% sure."
...don't use shallot."
It’s clearly been working out
It's my sheer Will power.
They hit the books
My daughter read one book on comedy and wanted to try stand up , knowing the quality of her material I of course said yes!
I guess you could say that the "Joker" without an R is just a joke.
It is 2020, after all.
My wife: Daddy and I are tired from looking for a car today.
Son: Would you say you are Exhaust-ed!
I’m a frayed knot.
I replied that what it lacks in strength, it makes up for in training.
You can tell because he doesn't Bruce easily.
Doing the French press.
Me: So you think he might be born by midnight?
Her: I dunno...we might get in there and the triage nurse says I'm only 1cm
Me: Hmmm...I think you're more like 5'2"
It went down as well as you might expect.
Son: We’re in Walgreens so Mal can get eye drops and some girl goes, “Are you finding everything okay?” So I pull a dad and go, “You guys have ‘everything’? Where’s your Meaning Of Life?”
She calmly responded, “You won’t find that in Vegas.”
Dad: It's "I wasnt looking for everything". But your quip was fair. You need more practice. Keep trying.
Son: No kids yet, so I can’t channel the arcane magic
Dad: You will always carry your inner dad. The dad is strong with you my young dadawan.
... because of the fake tannin.
I grin, she groans and drinks more wine.
I have a four year old daughter and a two year old son. My daughter often complains (usually not too long after eating dinner) that she's hungry so lately I've been getting her with the staple "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad" line. Just today on our way back from the gym she complains that she's hungry again to which my son replies "Hi Hungwee!"
Visiting my dad for the weekend, watching an old movie when a scene with nuns comes on, I ask him "Why are they called nuns?" Without missing a beat, his reply: "If you try to get with them, you'll get "nun".
Is it because they skip leg day?
My wife is a wine drinker; while putting away dishes, I held one up and told my wife, "Your wine glasses are a pain in the ass".
Our youngest son promptly chimed in with "You mean a pain in the glass?!"
Moments like this make a dad proud. :)
Dad in Darth Vader voice: I am your father! Son replies:"I know dad, you're not funny..." Dad:"Just kidding."
He drove semi for UPS for 32 years until he retired. He used to tell people he was a "semi professional driver"
eye roll
