I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
It was breathtaking
They have to yell “Donald, Duck!”
Edit: whoever gave me the gold award, thank you so much. I would repay you in a way, but I don’t know who you are.
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
There was a Bee on it
... his dad calls angrily after him: "YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!"
MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Ibuprofanities!
DONALD DUCK!!!
"Get out of the whey!!!"
"A TOE TRUCK!!??"
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
Luckily, I was up practicing my drums at the time..
Because they are in panes.
"Honey, I got you a bouquet."
SUPPLIES!
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
She had a glass of water on her head and said “I’m underwater”
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas
I think I strained my voice.
“What are you doing doing doing ...”
When it's half way up, scream at the people in the front seats, "SHIT DUDE, THESE JUST CAME OFF FROM YOUR SEATS. "
He was arrested for attempting to make an obscene clone fall.
I responded, "It's none of your bee's knees."
It bumped into another cell and screamed "Jesus Christ!!" God was not happy, he said "You should never use the Lords name in vein."
...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.
My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"
She's going to be a great dad one day.
Edit: skipped a word
Not screaming and yelling like everyone else in the car was when he drove over the cliff
He was in pane
He says, “I’m applying the turn-a-cut!”
When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked “Why did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said “I was trying to say Donald Duck!”
SHE WAS LIVID AND SCREAMED WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH TWO DEAD DOGS !
Current status.. single
“It’s actually not a very civil way to communicate, yelling that is. I would quite appreciate you being more respectful for us to continue our interaction, thank you. Sir.”
He's in eggs-aisle.
“No. They all left!”
They called me a madman
In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother" Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother" The other man is still in silent... The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother" The second man finally answer with calm voice "Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"
There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.
The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
There was a Bee on it
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Not like the people screaming in his car
