The other day, I tried to get a water feeling reptile that smoked weed back to its home, but it attacked me.

I'm not good with crock pots.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Grett_Britters
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Back in medieval times, they used to make computer mice out of the poop of giant flame breathing reptiles...

...surely you've heard of the "dragon drop" interface.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
One day my daughter and I were on a walk together and were surprised to see a shelled reptile a little ways down the road. Guess which direction it was heading?

Tortoise

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The local reptile show had to delay on account of misbehaving lizards.

They had a severe case of a reptile dysfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drjohnson89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What reptile spends the most time in the bathroom?

A Commode-o dragon.

Crosspost from r/jokes

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joshandthewolf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2017
🚨︎ report
Someone told me as a kid that huge reptiles reside in the sewers...

What a croc of shit that turned out to be.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mikaosol
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2015
🚨︎ report
When talking about people who like to start fights I asked my friend what the fastest reptile was

The instagator

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
🚨︎ report
At the zoo i said a mildly innapropriate Dad Joke to my wife and 12 year old son.

The zoo tour guide told us that one of the snakes was sick. I blurted out "he must have a reptile dysfunction".

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aceoftrachs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad and Peter the Python

context: My dad and I have a baby python named peter, and he's been striking at the glass of the cage when you walk near him.  

  me: Peter is such an asshole, just went to check on him and he went to bite me.  

  dad: Well, I called the vet today about him being mean, turns out he has a reptile-dysfunction.  

  me: GROANS

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImTomRS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2015
🚨︎ report
I dad joked my manager. .

I work at a pet store and our order of reptiles came in...

Me: I soaked the new guys and put em in there habitats.

Manager: how are they looking?

Me: Good but there's something about the new chameleon.. he might be a problem

Manager: Whats wrong with him?

Me: I don't trust him, he's got shifty eyes

Manager: Oh god, go get ready for the cricket shipment please.

Edit: wall of text

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joeymuerte
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad texts me from work

My dad supplies the swords and weaponry to medieval times.

Dad:This day is just like a very large, magical and mythical reptile.

Me: How so

Dad: It's a dragon

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielj32
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Waiting on line for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

A bit of a reverse-dad joke, my brother and dad were talking about the actors in the movie. My dad was lamenting Megan Fox being April, and said "I don't see how anyone could like that lizard face of hers."

My brother shrugged and calmly responded, "It gives some guys a boners, others get e-reptile dysfunction."

The guy on line behind us started laughing uncontrollably.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_depression
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked a stranger at the Zoo

We couldn't find the reptile in the aquarium. I'm pretty sure the exhibit was empty.

So I said to my son: "Oh look! He's right under there!"

My boy has heard that one a million times already and wasn't taking the bait.

But! - The stranger standing next to us says: "Under where?"

"LOL! - I made you say Underwear"

Dude smiled and groaned. My kid laughed his ass off.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AirBacon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
🚨︎ report
At the Zoo

I was at the Zoo yesterday and walking around with a large group of people being guided around. We came up to the reptile area and happened to stop outside the "Lace monitor" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lace_monitor) exhibit.

A few moments later the guide asked if anyone knew anything about the Lace monitor, to which I replied "They wait for little kids to run past and shout HEY YOU! DO UP YOUR LACES!!".

Not a single laugh. The SO stepped away from me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xenzor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
🚨︎ report
At the zoo

We were at the zoo today and passed by the reptile display. Unfortunately, it was closed... because of reptile dysfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/extratoasty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.