"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
Bear says “oh these? I was born with em.”
Bear: holds up paws "cuz I'm a bear"
”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A very skilled attorney interviews for a job at a prestigious firm. The managing partner looks over his resume and exclaims with glee, “Oh my goodness! You’re so experienced! You’re hired, and you can name your salary!”
The interviewee paused for a moment and said “Thank you. I’d like to call mine Dennis.”
Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.
"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."
"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."
The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
So there were 6 of us...
With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)
There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".
Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"
The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.
Best day of my comedic life
The bartender asked "why the big pause"
The bear replies "I was born with them"
“A rum and...................... coke please." He asked.
"Certainly", replied the bar man, "but why the big pause?"
"I was born with them", answered the bear.
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."
He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"
The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."
"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".
"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
Conversation between bf and his cousin:
Bf: So, what's new with you?
Cousin: I wish I had something cool to say to that, like, I built an aircraft with my bear hands! I never have anything cool like that...
Bf: Understandable! How could you have built an aircraft without opposable thumbs?
Moment of silence. Moment of laughter. Queue interesting conversation.
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
Barkeep: "What'll it be?"
Bear: "I'll have a scotch and....... ..... a soda."
Barkeep: "Coming right up, but curious, why the big pause, there?"
Bear: holds up arms and looks at them "I don't know. I've had them my whole life."
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
He says to the waiter, “I want a grilled... cheese.” The waiter says “what’s with the pause?” “What do you mean?” the bear inquires, “I’m a bear!”
The magician pulls a quarter from the fisherman's ear. The fisherman looks at the magician annoyed. The magician says can you do any better? The fisherman says sure and then pauses. The magician says annoyed "How are you going to start the trick. The fisherman just says... Pick a cod, any cod!
The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."
A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."
A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.
The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"
Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.
"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"
"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."
"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."
"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"
The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"
The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.
Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
Is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?"
Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet"
There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad."
My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
Got my teen son with this one today.
Son: Dad, you shaved your hair.
Me: Yep, we’re Opposites.
Son: (puzzled look)
Me: I’m bald...You have long hair
I’m old... You’re young
I’m big...You’re small
I’m incredibly handsome...(son eye roll);
short pause...You’re incredibly footsome.
Son: (stomps out of the room)
A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.
He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.
He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.
To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.
Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".
The policeman put a device in my mouth. After a pause he said, "Blow?"
"If you've got some, yes please," I replied.
The Ewok says to the bartender, “I’ll have a whiskey and......soda.”
The bartender says, “Sure thing—but why the little pause?”
“Dunno,” says the Ewok. “I’ve had them all my life.”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them"
He orders a large coke......... and a rum. The Bartender says, “hey, why the big pause”. The bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them”
One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of its clause!
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
"Why the big pause?" - says the bartender.
"I don't know. I was born with them" - says the bear.
One has claws at the end of the paws... The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a...................beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
He says: I’ll have two pints of beer and... A whiskey please. The bartender asks: “Why the big pause?” To which the bear replies: “I was just born with them.”
One has claws at the end of its paws, one is a pause at the end of a clause
He sits down at the bar and says “Bartender i’d like a whiskey........................and coke”
“Sure thing” says the bartender “but, why the big pause”?
The bear puts his paws in the air and says “oh, I’ve had these all my life”.
