I really need a thesaurus, but all the shops have sold out.
I can't describe how angry I am.
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
To understand this pun you need to know that the book in the first photo is called Apolodor
If the air conditioning in your car dies, you just need some WD-40.
Which superhero do the Avengers call when they need their costumes pressed
What do you need if you’re cold, while on the moon?
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw some blood
I really need to stop looking at the internet today. Everything seems to be an April Fool's gag.
If you need to find the longest side of a moose
"I need a bar built in my garden," I told my friend in the pub. "But I don't know who to ask."
"Well," he replied, "I'll do it if you pay me £400."
So I gave him £400, and he said, "Right, I'll start asking around."
Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
Corona didn’t need an ad in the Super Bowl for their beer.
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
What’s the one thing an undercover cop doesn’t need?
Dad, I need help writing a sentence using the word "irony."
Try this :
I licked a golf club and it tasted irony.
A doctor is giving medical treatment when a nurse comes in saying that they need the doctor in another room. The nurse told the guy getting medical treatment to wait.
I need to speak with the chair
“Can you help me with the curtains? I need to make sure the carpet matches the drapes.”
And THAT is a sexual in-your-window!
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating
But I’m not about to quit cold turkey
How do you keep water in a hole in the ground until you need it?
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Did you hear that they're replacing two letters of the alphabet? Instead of T, you have to say "Clowns". Instead of V, you need to say "Jokers". I refuse to use them, but I was singing the alphabet when they changed them, so I have a problem...
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with U.
How many beans do you need to make the perfect bean soup?
239.
Because one more would be too farty.
Which of Santa's reindeer needs to mind his manners the most ?
A photon checks into a hotel. "Need any help with your luggage sir?" asks the porter.
"No thanks " replies the photon. "I am travelling light."
A ‘divine’ healer in his ‘miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."
With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"
John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"
John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."
[need for help] Pun experts, share the best pun you know about academia/professors/education/writing for grants. Any help deeply appreciated!
EDIT: We plan to place it on the mug as a gift, so it should be relatively short
I told my bowmen that I would pay anytime they need to get some practice in at the course.
They’re free range archers now.
Why did the ice cream machine need money?
What does the bee's need to do in school?
the truth is what we need
Need some good puns when I whip this bad boy out on the course today. Help me out you geniuses!
Why did the farmer need such a long AUX cable for?
To tie his ox
Joke by my 9 year old brother
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
Which kind of pension do I need for the road ahead?
My kids said I need to stop with the egg jokes, because they’re not funny.
Yolk’s on them, I crack myself up!
If you're a flapjack and you need to go pee you maple the 3rd handle
Some students needed help calculating the number of food and drinks they'd need for a party. Their teacher responds...
"What's the equation? (occasion)"
People need to stop saying the Navy is part of the military.
The password is “you need to buy a drink first” for people who don’t get it
My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.
You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
The U.S. needs to stop selling pre-packaged shredded cheese!
Make America Grate Again!
The doctor insisted I take a milk bath, so I asked her if it need to be pasteurized...
She said no, just above the knees.
It's amazing..to use the fridge at my work, you don't even need an appointment!
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