My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me
Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
I need to speak with the chair
My girlfriend said I need to stop taking things too literally
I asked her, "Who's Literally?"
Need to ask somebody to support you?
My deaf girlfriend just told me “We need to talk.”
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.
If you don’t, they’ll just go in one year and right out the other.
“Can you help me with the curtains? I need to make sure the carpet matches the drapes.”
And THAT is a sexual in-your-window!
For when you need to camp in a hurry
What does a virus need to do in order to reach more people?
It needs to strain itself.
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating
But I’m not about to quit cold turkey
Did you know that newborns have weak necks and need to have their heads supported?
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
My Wife told our kids they need to get their acts together.
I asked if it would be ok if they gathered their swords instead. She was not amused.
We need to crack down on Marijuana usage
Did you hear that they're replacing two letters of the alphabet? Instead of T, you have to say "Clowns". Instead of V, you need to say "Jokers". I refuse to use them, but I was singing the alphabet when they changed them, so I have a problem...
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with U.
My daughter was practicing her flute today, she said at bar 45 she needs to add in a breath mark.
I teared up, after all these years she still doesn't know my name is David.
What do you call a dog you need to retrain?
My wife told me today that when I got her food order, that I need to remember to ask for cheese or they wouldn’t add it.
I told her if they forgot the cheese again, it wouldn’t end very Gouda for them!
I need to call my doctor
Because my election isn’t supposed to last this long
American Airlines Magazine Cover: Unsung Heroes - Sandwiches you’ve never heard of but need to try
I hope you haven't seen this before, but it needs to be reposted.
A ‘divine’ healer in his ‘miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."
With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"
John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"
John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."
Which of Santa's reindeer needs to mind his manners the most ?
What does James Bond need to go on vacation?
If Senate is a place where every bill needs to be pass through
It should be called Bill Gates.
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said ‘if you need anything, I’m Jill.’
I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
I don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There needs to a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis if you will.
My wife said I need to get a better truck...
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
How many beans do you need to make the perfect bean soup?
239.
Because one more would be too farty.
What does the bee's need to do in school?
I told my bowmen that I would pay anytime they need to get some practice in at the course.
They’re free range archers now.
This ones hard to explain but you kind of need an image.
So if a tardis is a police booth. Then a porta potty is a turdis.
Girl, when a guy swears he doesn't need to wear a condom, don't fall for it...
I need to start wearing a diaper when I go to Vegas...
It’s always just a matter of time until craps ruin my day
Why do Chinese people not need to eat using knives?
Because they use chop sticks
What kind of equipment do you need to study birds?
Batman gets word that somebody is in trouble and needs to be rescued quick...
Batman: Robin! Quick! Go get the Batmobile!
Robin: Sure thing, Batman!
A few minutes later...
Robin: The Batmobile won't start. In fact, it won't even turn over!
Batman: Check the battery.
Robin: What's a tery?
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
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