What did the russian commander say to his troops?

"We're late, stop Stalin, Putin some effort."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAdamStorm
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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I had the pleasure of serving under one of the calmest commanders in the US Army

General Anesthesia always helped put internal disputes to bed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDewinYourMom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?

A kernel.

Sorry guys, a bit corny that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Queef_Snortah
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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What did the German commander say to the ticking clock?

Ve haf vays and means of making you tock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Harkonan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?

He couldn’t get any up-boats

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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What did commander broccoli say to Sargent potato when he discovered that he was leaking information to the enemy?

You TAITOR!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yup_Pup
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
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What do you call the pocket change of a ship's commander?

The captain's quarters

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oktayey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?

Tanks for that.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Teacher : β€œCan you list the 10 Commandments in any order”

Johnny: β€œ3, 5, 6, 1, 8, 9, 2, 4, 10 and 7”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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Did you know you can change the breed of your poodle by teaching it to giggle on command?

It will change the breed of your dog into a snicker-doodle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Youtuatoot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Why was the captain of the USS Roosevelt relieved of command?

The Navy hates leaks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amart612
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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We got a new dog at the weekend, he only obeys commands in Spanish....

He is Espanyol

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clarknova77
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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[OC] The Final, Most Essential Command
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADAlverde
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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Did you hear about the Native American cook who rose up to become second in command at Bobby Flay's restaurants?

He was a Sioux chef.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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Which day of the year commands you to do something?

March Fourth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/necramencer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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It's true! The Clinton Administration's second in command DID invent the internet!

Look at any web page's source and you will see an Al Gore-ithm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
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Proof that priests break the eighth commandment all the time imgur.com/I2ny6zu
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JewInator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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Son: dad, what does it mean to be a man? Dad: It means to be the one that command! To be the one that take all the decisions at home.

One day I want to be a man like mom :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yubimarcano
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
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How did the Jewish people learn the Ten Commandments?

Through OsMoses

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceberger3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2017
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My daughter came home from school and asked me, dad, what are the ten commandments?

I said, salt vinegar pepper mustard....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2017
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i need dad jokes for my discord bot

well i made a discord bot and i added a dadjoke command. welp nobody was enjoying the lack of dad jokes. any one got some good dad jokes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/L0nkie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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In the future...

In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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An Admiral looks up all the ships under his command in awe...

It's a fleeting moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mike91444
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2016
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Warlord assassination attempt gone terribly wrong.

A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.

However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/possferatu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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I was on the table with my son pretending to be shooting guns around our living room.

My wife came storming in angrily, looked at us and shouted, 'Get down!'

I said, 'Follow the commander's orders, son. There might be an ambush.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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Why was Moses the first computer user?

He used the command "Control Sea"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kubrick_Fan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
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A nervous soldier had jumped from a helicopter. He Radioed to his commander: "Are you sure these parachutes are safe?"

The commander chuckled, reassuring the solider. "We've had no complaints about them."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Vinushka-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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A dad joke from when I was younger

When I was younger, I had a Playstation 2 and a game called SOCOM: US Navy Seals that let you order your virtual team around with different voice commands. I'd be doing a mission and give the command to go weapons free by saying (basically yelling) "Fire at will." Every time I'd do that, my dad's voice would shout back "Who's Will and what'd he do to get shot at?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captainsuperdawg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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Condiment Speeds

So this happened at my convoy briefing at my unit this morning:

Commander: 'Convoy speed will be 50, catch up speed will be 55'

Someone else: 'What's the mustard speed going to be?'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oneoneoneoneone
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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A man goes to buy a horse (long)

So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.

 

"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if you say 'Hallelujah.' "

 

Feeling annoyed, the buyer says "That's fine," and he gets up on the horse. After the seller returns to the house, the buyer, mounted on the horse, whips the reins and says, "Hiyah!!" The horse doesn't move. "Yah," he said, spurring the horse. Still no movement. Feeling a little embarrassed and stupid, he complied to the owner's instruction. "Praise the Lord," he mumbled, and the horse began quickly trotting away from the stable.

 

Wow, the buyer thought, excited. I wonder how fast this horse can go. "Praise the Lord," he said, this time at normal volume. The horse sped up considerably.

 

Amazing! I must have this horse! the buyer thought. "Praise the Lord!" he shouted. "Praise the Lord!" And the horse kept speeding up. The stable behind them was no longer visible.

But the horse and the buyer were speedily approaching a huge canyon. Seeing this ahead, the buyer commanded, "St- stop! Whoaaa, horse!" But the horse kept the charge forward. "Hallelujah!" the buyer shouted. And the horse stopped at the edge of the vast canyon, with only inches of ground to spare.

Looking up to the sky, the buyer sighed in relief. "Praise the Lord."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlekuribandit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2017
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My American Cultures teacher is the perfect dad

We were watching a movie about the Battle at Wounded Knee, and it went something like this- "Fire at will!" (Commander) -scene changes to a man being hit by a cannon shot- "Oh no, they hit Will!!!" I think I was the only one who laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madmike34455
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
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My Dad's, Dad joke.

(We are from Montana.)

Montana and North Dakota are in the middle of a war. The NDs have amassed a huge army and are about to march over a hill to invade MT. The commander of the ND army decides to send out a couple of scouts to see if the way is clear. Almost immediately after the two scouts disappear over the top of the hill, loud crashing and rumbling sounds come from the direction they went. After waiting until they are overdue for return, the commander decides to send a squad over to check out what happened. As they pass out of sight, a loud raucous was again heard from the other side of the hill. The commander becomes concerned and decides not to wait for them to return. He sends an entire platoon over the hill, telling them to take out any resistance they meet and return with any survivors. Once again, as the men disappear over the hill, the terrible sounds of war rush over the entire army and then slowly die down until nothing could be heard but the beating of the commanders heart. A proud man, never before defeated in battle, he decides to lead the entire army over the hill himself to destroy the opposition once and for all, but as they begin to march they see a single, mangled, ND soldier pulling himself up over the top of the hill by the only functioning limb of his body. Beaten, bloody and near death, he manages, with help, to make it to the commander and says; "Sir... (cough) Don't go... (spit, cough) It's a trap..."

And in the surprise induced silence he says;

"There's TWO of 'em."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/error-div_by_zero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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Street names

I'll never forget when I was riding shotgun while my dad drove, and we were taking my friend Joe home. We had driven these streets hundreds of times, but at this moment, my dad released all these heretofore unheard-of puns.

We took a right on Cambridge Ave.

Dad looks over and stoically says in a gravelly voice with an -- American Indian?? -- accent, "First came iron horse… then came bridge."

Groans.

As we approach Minot Ln., he asks "do I turn here?" and Joe says "yes," to which dad replies "I don't know, Joe, I might, but I minot!"

Groans.

Finally, we make our last turn onto Cheyenne. Dad says with a deliberate, measured cadence, "You know, growing up, all the girls I met were so forward. It was weird. But then I met Shy Anne."

He finished his sentence right as we pulled into Joe's driveway. He put his right hand on the back of my headrest and turned to face us with a wide smile and the glittering, eyes of a puppy that just fetched on command.

Joe said "Thanks, Mr. Smith," and he got out and ran into his house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doc_ids
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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Annual Dad Joke Day

I propose that today, March 4, should be Annual Dad Joke Day. This is dedicated to my father, who has asked me, once a year, "What day of the year is a command?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruberik
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
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Today's the day before my dad's birthday, he makes the same joke about it every year.

[Having breakfast with my folks]

Dad: "This is my favorite day of the year."

Me: "Oh yeah 'cause it's your birthday tomorrow right?"

Dad: "No, because today is the one day out of the year where the date is a command!"

Me: "Oh god, not this agai-"

Dad: [cutting me off with a booming impression of a Roman centurion] "MARCH FORTH OR THOU SHALT BE FIFTH! And that's me I'm March 5th."

Me: "Walked right into that one again.."

Dad: "Same time next year?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeonDoucette
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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Brady Haran is gonna be a great dad

Keith: The weights and measures of Great Britain go right back to medieval times and all of these weights and measures were stored by command in the Palace of Westminster. Of course, in the 19th century the whole lot burned down, so Britain lost its weights and measures effectively.

Brady: Would that be an example of… mass destruction?

 

Sauce: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T26Cw77Bco0&t=2m59s

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlastFX2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
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My kids think they can control the Apple TV with their mind

You can get an app on your iPhone/iPad that acts as a remote control to Apple TV. Using this, I have convinced my kids that you can control the Apple TV by thought alone. They practice by yelling out commands to the TV which I then do from another room.

In addition to that, I sometimes pause shows, fast forward, rewind, skip tracks, etc., at random times. I have the kids convinced that the other one must have accidentally thought something a bit too loudly. They fight over it while I sit the other room, silently laughing myself to death.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2013
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My dad on Xbox one's voice command

My dad walked into the tv room as I was trying out the voice command (mind you, this was my christmas present).

I said "Dad check it out, this thing has pretty good voice command. It's can do just about anything"

Dad: "Anything? Xbox go shovel the driveway"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/threeballer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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My coworker just got dad joked...

The context here is a discussion on encryption on a data storage medium. The kid here is a new guy who is fresh from grad school. The dad here is a senior engineer who looks like middle aged Gordon Freeman with graying hair. The kid was asking questions on how to erase data securely using a particular protocol command. He wanted more information on the random number keys necessary to encrypt/decrypt the data with. It went some thing like this.

Kid: " So you have A key, right ?"

Dad with a sly smile on his face immediately checks his pocket and whips out his car keys and says " No, I have many keys "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamfromshire
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
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My dad and war movies

Anytime there's a battle in a movie and one of the characters yells the command "Fire at will!" my dad, without fail, will smarmily say "How do they know which one's Will?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/katethecatlady
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
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Today is the most commanding day of the year....

MARCH Fourth!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zarkan80
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2016
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