Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called “One Two Three”, the other “Un Deux Trois”. Which cat won?
“One Two Three” because “Un Deux Trois” cat sank.
What do you call a big cat that doesn't play by the rules?
I accidentally swallowed the cat’s pill.
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat.
She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not.
What did the cat say when it got hurt?
My cat kept trying to climb my Christmas tree so I put aluminum around the base of the tree.
Her plans have been foiled.
My female cat just got fixed, but the vet insisted on referring to it as "feline ovarian removal".
Look, sometimes you have to call a spayed a spayed.
What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool?
What did the ship’s cat use instead of a litter box?
I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. “Ouch!” I yelled
“YOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief.
“ME-ow”
What is the difference between a cat and a compound statement?
One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of its clause!
Did you hear about the woman who refused to get her female cat spayed?
She was arrested for littering.
I spent the past few minutes throwing chickpeas at my cat's feet...
I used the beans to bean the beans.
What did the alien say to the cat?
I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.
I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.
Why are cats the best salesmen?
They’re very purr-suasive
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Realized my boys will someday be dads after the cat tried to sneak outside tonight
Me, to my two boys: "Hazel tried to escape, but I rescued her!...Or....should I say captured her?"
Boy 1: (pronunciation) "cap- CHURR!"
Boy 2: "Or... You CAT-tured her!"
Boy 1: "No, you CAT cat-ture Hazel!"
I guess you could say cats was the cat-alyst
What can you use to prevent stepping on your cat all the time?
What did the cat say when he arrived in China?
My boyfriend’s cat, Jack, recently discovered the Amazon box lying on the floor. He jumped in and started playing in it. I guess you can say....
Who does the Cat in the Hat call when his back hurts?
My cat just cut the grass.
Did you hear about the cat that ran away from the tree?
What do Christmas and a cat in the desert have in common?
They both have Sandy Claws.
Why do cats like computers the best?
You know, if a cat or dog plays among us, they will wanna be the...
What's a cat's favorite day of the week?
Caturday. Furiday is a close second.
My wife asked me to give the cat a bath today while she was at work
My tongue is soo sore right now.
An American cat named ‘One-Two-Three’ and a French cat named ‘Une-Deux-Troi’ are in a swimming race. Why did the American cat win?
Because Une-Deux-Troi quatre cinq.
I dropped my jar of herbs. After I picked them all up, my cat knocked the jar over again
Picking them up yet again was such a waste of thyme
My wife and 2yo were just watching Paw Patrol. There is a cow mooing into a cell phone to video chat with the team to ask for help for a cat stuck on the roof.
I told my wife "That cat would have way more grip on roof shingles and I expect more I realism from talking cartoon cows. This is "UDDERLY" ridiculous."
She may have buried her head and avoided eye contact for a bit. I was proud.
Did you hear about the cat who ate a ball of yarn?
She had a litter of mittens.
[True story of Dad] The cat
I used to have a black cat named Big Guy. When I left for college, he stayed with my parents. One day I got a call from my mom and she mentioned he was missing. They hadn't seen him in a week. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and would occasionally disappear for a few days, but a whole week was unusual.
Anyway, I was bummed. I was set to visit the next week and was looking forward to seeing my cat.
I flew home and... it was weird. Now they had two cats! Both black. And Big Guy was back! But... why two cats now?
So here's the dad part. My mom started to really miss him. My dad saw this and went to the local shelters to see if anyone turned him in. He said, "After the 3rd one, I pretty much gave up."
So then my mom said, "So your father got another cat he thought looked "close enough" and tried to convince me it was Big Guy. I said, 'Have you lost it? This cat is a GIRL!'"
Then Big Guy came home.
I was in a punk band in the '80s called 'Missing Cat'
You might remember our flyers
The Cat is Innocent!
I got very annoyed when I found one of our cats, Steve, perched on a manyberry berry pie I had just baked. I was ready to yell at him when my son - 12 at the time - exclaimed "Stop Mom! Don't yell... he's just an innocent Pie Stander!"
Steve was not yelled at.
Some people love cats, other people hate them. The pope is obsessed with them....
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
Heard the story about the cat which got Covid-19?
All day long my cat lazes around the house, saying he is hurt. I told him to quit being a hypochondriac
but he just keeps saying "me ow"
What's the word for tying two cats together?
Did you hear about the cat with 16 lives?
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling
How do the French send photos of cats to each other?
I had a cat that loved to eat string off the floor when he found any.
It must have been good for his diet. It's high in fibers.
(Made from a true story)
What’s a cats favourite button on the tv remote?
The towels are so scratchy, the cats love them...
I thought only dogs knew "rough"
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