What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
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︎ Dec 18 2020
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
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︎ Dec 06 2020
I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...
I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
Once the home intruder entered our bedroom, my wife grabbed a bottle of perfume and hit him on the head.
She thought that might knock some scents into him.
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︎ Oct 27 2020
Why do the British leave out the βtβ in βbottleβ?
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︎ Oct 26 2020
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...
...and then the coffin stopped.
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︎ Sep 15 2020
Why do they condition all of the I.V. bottles at the hospital?
Everyone loves smooth saline!
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︎ Sep 04 2020
I saw a guy drink a bottle of brandy, then fill it to the top with water and screw the lid back on.
He approached a wild ox. The ox looked at him.
The guy said, "Hello, there, wild ox. Would you like to buy this bottle of brandy from me? Β£50, that is all."
The wild ox mulled it over, before pulling out the money and handing it over to the man.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have jumped up and yelled, "It's a con, yak!"
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︎ Jul 25 2020
When I want to experience intense ecstatic happiness, I reach for the bottle of dish washing liquid...
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︎ Aug 03 2020
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator
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︎ Jun 24 2020
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
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︎ Mar 07 2020
I'm so bored, i was about to run around the house naked. But then i drank a bottle of windex...
It stopped me from streaking.
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︎ May 12 2020
Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?
He was done for possession of coke.
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︎ Jan 20 2020
What did Dad say to the bottle of water?
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︎ Apr 07 2020
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didnβt have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
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︎ Feb 16 2020
What did one bottle of wine say to the other?
When we work together, we are a grape team!
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︎ Apr 25 2020
I accidentally broke my most expensive bottle of booze in the house!
Luckily, I was able to fix it with my scotch tape!
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︎ Mar 12 2020
I just squeezed the shampoo bottle a little too hard
Head and Shoulders on my knees and toes, knees and toes
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︎ Mar 12 2020
To the water in my spray bottle:
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︎ Jan 22 2020
Family group chat asking my Dad about the giant bottle of Mustard he bought
A pump? No, I just refill a smaller squeeze bottle to fit in the fridge.. but I relish all the comments you guys made. - Bryan (59)
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︎ Mar 18 2020
Did you hear about the guy that mistook the whiteout bottle for the viagra bottle?
He wound up with a massive correction and his wife was heavily censored
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︎ Mar 20 2020
A kid hit me with a bottle of wine, what a champagne in the ass
And then I hit him back and he kept on WINEing
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︎ Sep 30 2019
I invented a revolutionary new kind of beer. The bursting of the CO2 bubbles once the bottle is open can actually filter the air around you as you drink.
I call it the HEPA-weizen.
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︎ Dec 24 2019
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
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︎ Nov 26 2019
Ya hear about the girl who dated a bottle of ginger ale?
She was Schwepped off her feet!
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︎ Nov 03 2019
When I went to get my prescription, I gave the tech an empty bottle to recycle or whatever. She said, some people like to keep the bottles to put nails and screws in...
I said I don't have too many loose screws.
She smiled.
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︎ Dec 04 2019
Why did the milk bottle get a promotion?
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︎ Nov 22 2019
My bottle of Chardonnay just spoke to my steak! It said, "you smell great!" The steak responded, saying "you're a great vintage yourself!" The meal was delicious!
I guess the secret to a good meal is pairing food and wine that compliment each other!
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︎ Oct 12 2019
A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot.
Iβm so glad it was a soft drink
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︎ Jul 15 2019
I spilled the bottle of dish soap...
Couldn't figure out how to clean up.
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︎ Sep 21 2019
Why did the blonde go through a whole bottle of shampoo?
Because the directions said lather rinse repeat.
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︎ Oct 07 2019
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
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︎ Apr 02 2019
Just bought a new bottle of the official aftershave of r/dadjokes
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︎ Aug 03 2019
Do you know why some people bang on the side of the ketchup bottle while others bang on the bottom of the ketchup bottle?
Me: No. Why?
Him: To get the ketchup out.
Told to me by my grandfather-in-law as I was banging on the side of the ketchup bottle.
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︎ Dec 13 2015
A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.
I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.
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︎ Jul 27 2018
I ran out of my Omega 3 supplement so I went to the store. The attendant was rude and threw the bottle at me as hard as he could
Fortunately, my injuries were super fish oil
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︎ Jun 13 2019
My wife was wanting to throw a shirt into the dryer to get the wrinkles out but she wanted to spray it with water first. She couldnβt find a spray bottle close by so she instead grabbed the iron to spray it... talk about the ultimate irony.
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︎ Apr 07 2019
What do you call a drink so good you have to lick the bottle?
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︎ Jul 12 2019
I've just spent all my savings on the world's largest bottle of Tipp-Ex
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︎ Jul 15 2019
My wife is annoyed that the small bottle of milk hasn't arrived with the milkman, but I don't see the problem
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︎ May 08 2019
Why does a blonde have an empty bottle in the fridge?
In case someone comes and doesn't want a drink.
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︎ Apr 02 2019
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
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︎ Dec 06 2020
I went to the bottle shop the other day on my bicycle...
bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off my bike, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the whiskey and then rode home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home!
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︎ Aug 20 2020
Every time I wash the dishes at night after dinner, I use a whole bottle of dishwashing liquid.
Another day, another Dawn.
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︎ Apr 23 2020
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