I just cant put it down
So he could try to get a foot in the door
All it does is spreadsheet.
“Oh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.
The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.
At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!
“You’re hired!!” He exclaimed.
The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.
The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.
A bystander asked “who is he?”
The priest responded “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”
They told me, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
When they found out, I was dismembered.
The same is true for clocks.
(PSA: Remember to correct yours tonight, as applicable.)
He was trying to get 30.48 cm in the door.
And they interviewed an applicant named Stan. Stan had no arms due to an accident so the hiring manager asked how he would ever be able to do the job.
"I'll show you",said Stan.
They walked up flight after flight of stairs to the Bell tower all the while the manager wondered how Stan would ever be able to do the job. His questions were soon answered when after reaching the Bell tower, Stan took off running striking the bell face first. Gooong goes the bell. Stan picks himself up, takes off running face first at the bell, Gooong.
"Hold, on. You'll hurt yourself."
"I'm tough," said Stan, " "and I really needed this job"
"Ok," said the manager, leaving Stan to do the job.
All day the bell rang on the hour correctly and the manager thought too soon that he had misjudged Stan. Finally, at six in the evening there were only three gongs, then a commotion. Going out to see what was going on he found Stan dead on the street below. Apparently he had become disoriented from head trauma and missed the bell entirely falling to the street below.
"Who was this man, Who was he?" asked the crowd.
Not wanting to admit liability for the accident, the manager said "I don't know."
"But his face sure rings a bell"
My application reads: Why did the German archer refuse to adopt the Euro?
...
Because he missed his mark.
Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)
-
Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,
Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.
Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.
So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.
Answer these 3 questions in your reply:
- How would you describe a dad joke?
- Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
- You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?
Only apply if:
- You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
- You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
- You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
- You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
- You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)
We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:
- You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
- You've got some automod experience
- You've got some sub-customisation experience
Don't apply if:
- You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
- You're more concerned about Internet points than real people
We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.
Credit to the original submitters where applicable. Thanks, dads. Credit to my daughter for being amazing.
A pun is the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications, or the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning; a play on words
but I found the whole application process a bit tiring.
EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.
( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )
Hey everybody,
The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.
Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.
You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.
That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.
So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.
Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:
- You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
- You have a good sense of humour
- You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
- You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
- You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
- You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
- You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
- Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required
Here's what I am not looking for:
- Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
- An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
- A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say
If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int
... keep reading on reddit ➡Bank manager rejected my application for a business loan. I told him that their was a great future in it if he would just look, but I guess he just could not see it in the camouflage business.
Two NASA engineers were arguing over the feasibility of building a high tech satellite that could see everything, anywhere in the galaxy, by orbiting a spherical lens around a mirrored device at various ranges of orbit. An application controlling the length of the O-Range (range of orbit) would pull the lens in, then release it, and centripetal force would pull it out again. The length of the "app pull", the distance the application would pull the lens back from orbit, had to be precise to ensure proper visibility at all times.
One of the scientists argued that the math to ensure total visibility at all times did not work. Eventually, they brought in another scientist to settle the argument. After several moments reviewing the math the two scientists had done on the board, their colleague spoke out.
"It's so obvious why you two cannot come to a conclusion," he said, "you're comparing app pulls to o-ranges!"
Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.
A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.
A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.
Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.
Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...
What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)
People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.
His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.
Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!
Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)
There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)
Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.
When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.
Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)
If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.
There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.
Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.
There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.
Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)
Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.
It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.
In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.
In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.
Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?
Doc: There's something not q
... keep reading on reddit ➡A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."
I would like to combine a Bowie song lyric/title and a business involving cakes and flowers but I am really bad at puns. If I could get some help that would be awesome. I mostly would like the pun to revolve around cake, but if it could include that and flowers that would be amazing.
Also awesome: David Bowie song titles/lyrics that are already applicable (i.e. "Sweet Thing")
I'm super awful at puns so any and all attempts are much appreciated!
At the job interview, the manager of the company greeted the applicant and upon noticing his facial hair, promptly asked the man how attached he was to the beard.
The man, tugging on his facial hair, replied “very.”
This is just in the middle of a chapter and isn't even acknowledged by the surrounding passages. It's pretty baaad if you ask me. But really, thanks to this picture I will never forget what a shear transformation does.
Textbook is Linear Algebra and Its Applications by David C. Lay, since for some reason I feel like I should probably cite it.
Today I was home, helping my sister out with her application while she was at school. I come to the strengths and weaknesses part. He looks at me with a straight face and says, "Michael, do not put odor under strengths". cracks big smile nostrils flare..... oh, dad.
>Me: Dad, I just got a new job and the only applicants were me, myself, and I.
>Dad: So you were the best candidate.
>Me: Well no, Me and Myself declined the job, so of course I took it.
I am to young to be a dad.
"Hey, Dad I need to run out to the store. Would you like to come with?" "Yeah I could use some things" "Okay does 4:30 work?" "No but it's polishing its applications at least"
Let me start off by saying that we live in the US. The reason why I'm mentioning that will make more sense. Because it might not be applicable to other countries. I had some recent hospital tests done for kidney stones (no fun). While visiting my parents I was talking about all the tests they had to do, and my mother said something about a test she had to do in the past.
"I didn't even talk to them but to interpret the scan they sent me a $30 bill"
My dad, "I don't think they've ever made a $30 bill"
So i know the joke is old, but the application was classic...
I was with my dad buying some glass cutting supplies and the guy in the store was really dry and seemed to take his job pretty seriously. We wrapped up our purchase and the shop worker asked if we wanted a quick tour of the production facility. We said 'yes' and walked into the back. Shop worker guy showed us some bullet proof glass, and a new self obscuring glass... then he mentions that most of what they do is provide mirrors for elevators and he turns to walk us over to the last section of the facility where they do wood grain backed mirrors. My dad stops walking and says "elevators hey"? The shop worker turns and looks at him... "I hear that industry has it's ups and downs"... Shop worker guy makes eye contact with me and turns and continues his tour. While no noise escaped his lips i could feel an internal groan that shook the walls.
My team's supervisor sent out an email to our group asking if anyone was getting a "beg" message from a particular application. So I replied all, "The program has not chosen to give me that message. So I guess beggars can be choosers."
Friend: "Have you heard the study that says that when you take a female or African American's job application and replace only the name with 'Steve', that subject is 86% more likely to get the job he or she is applying for?
Me: "Well of course. No one can resist giving Steve Jobs!"
Dad's on the computer in my room stating out things on an application, gets to the Race section. He say's "Race? No, I hate running." turns to me and laughs for a solid 20 minutes.
