So I told the barista “I think my coffee is over-Sweden’d.”
So I went to the grocery store and bought her better bitter butter batter.
Anne frankly most people would nazi it funny.
The odd acidity.
Vinaigrette
Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.
But it turns out I didn’t make it in thyme.
But believe me, it grows on you.
Unbeerable!
https://preview.redd.it/4qvuttmtw8041.png?width=2259&format=png&auto=webp&s=902dd08bf2137da3ec65220627d1339fe83d8501
Depends...
Craft beverages are really taking off, I guess.
Try lil' bite
He only needs a bit more s for an awesome dessert.
I said "yeah its pretty ironic"
He said "dew outta trees ain't bad!"
Fresh laundry. Stole this gem from r/AskReddit
My 8 year old son asked me if I wanted to hear a joke.
Me: Is it tasteful?
Him: Well, its about salt and pepper, so yes!
He didn't even have to say the joke and everyone in the car was already laughing!
Not everyone gets it.
Just learned this one from my 12 year old...
The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
A Starbuck.
It becomes a laughing stock.
I thought it was humerus.
Dahm and Dahmer.... People are really going to eat this up!
You could say I had the best thyme of my life.
The resemblance was uncanny!
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡It should be fal-awesome!
When I went to the counter with some birdseed and asked how long do the birds take to grow....
Suffice to say I'm not welcome back in that petshop anymore....
It is a choir taste
I had in-cider information.
Toucans
Well...it was more like this...
Me: "Can one of y'all bring me some chips?"
Eli: "Here's some Tostitos..."
Me: "Not those...they require additions to make them taste, so...unless you wanna get me salsa or queso..."
Eli disappears and comes back giggling: "How 'bout NOT-tostitos?" (Holding a bag of generic Tostitos.")
Me, laughing: "No thanks."
Leah showing up: "How 'bout MEGA-tostitos?" Holding out taco shells..."
Me laughing openly: "No thanks...smart ass."
Eli showing back up, still giggling: "How bought RAW-tostitos?" (Holding out tortillas)
Me, laughing harder: "Uh...no"
Eli: "Maybe the Asian version?" (Whipping out rice paper wraps from behind his back)
Me, laughing even more: "Go away."
Eli, appearing again: "How about make-it-yourself-chips?" (Plopping a bag of potatoes in my lap)
I have raised my kids well. My poor wife gets no break.
I called it my butter from another udder.
Can’t wait to see how it’ll churn out!
I guess the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it...
It's getting so close I can almost taste it.
