My wife and I went out for dinner and ended up with food poisoning. She ate some bad chicken and got salmonella

while I ate some bad salmon and got chickenella.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beezneez86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Something tells me I ate some bad food for lunch today.

I have a gut feeling about it.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bay-to-the-apple
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Now I consider myself a pretty bad person, But the guy who stole food from that birthday party over there

He takes the cake.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spunkards97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Is food coloring bad for you?

Every time I eat it I feel like my insides are dying.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mksnicks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a bad experience at the new Mediterranean food place. Needless to say, I falafel about my decision.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
The Trader Joe's Marketing Dept is setting the bar high. They really are top shelf, and the food's not bad either. imgur.com/iZqfimZ
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/athei-nerd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What did Trump say when he tasted some bad Korean food ?

Kim jung eww

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dessy_DiBiase
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I keep dreaming about bad Indian food.

It's a recurrying nightmare.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2016
🚨︎ report
My daughter has been frightened lately, because I've been waking up nightly, screaming from a bad dream. (It's a dream in which I'm forced to eat Indian food for every meal...)

I told her it's just a recurrying nightmare.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourbrotherrex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
🚨︎ report
I think I had some bad food at the Middle Eastern restaurant last night.

I woke up and I falafel.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheG-What
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend has a bad habit of bashing the food items I buy at the grocery store...

Spent two hours at the grocery store getting a ton of food so she didn't have to make the trip. What do I get in return?

Text from GF: "This bread sticks to my teeth a lot"

My response: "DOUGH!"

GF: "Ha...... Ha...."

me: "I was hoping you'd LOAF that"

GF: "Where's the cheese emoticon?"

me: "WHEAT a second, I'll try & find one"

GF: "I'm rolling my eyes and shaking my head"

me: "No cheese emoticon... CHIBATTA call Apple & tell em to get on that".

me: "Will butter do instead? Cuz I'm on a ROLL"

No further response... will update if saga continues.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Damn, now he won't find out his fortune.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mtchllyng
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
My Toddler's Favourite Food

Me: so what's your favourite food? Carrots? Chocolate? Custard?

2 year old: nose

Me: out of all the food you'd pick your nose?

Toddler: grins

Me: groans

It was so bad I knew I had to post it here.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnificate
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Am I the asshole in this situation?

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about that new restaurant on the Moon?

Good food, bad atmosphere

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrystalScale
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The bread factory caught fire

When asked about how bad the damage was, the CEO said, β€œPut it this way, all our food is toast.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skiftonoid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
The Laughing Hoagie

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluffigt
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
What makes a new years party so boring?

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's the food, or the bad music. But something about them feels like a whole year went by...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soundsofmind
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
John the Baptist

John the Baptist of Biblical fame used to walk through the desert in his bare feet. This left his feet tough, which is understandable- the hot sand and rough terrain would leave anyone's feet tough. He was known to receive signs from God and occasionally perform mystical feats. He subsisted on a diet of locusts and honey. Without access to dental hygiene at the time, this left him with somewhat bad breath. It also left him frail, as the diet wasn't varied and would have required an immense intake of food to be remotely sustained.

I guess that you could say that he was a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edpeters1
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my dad

A bit of back story is need: My dad has got a big need to put inedible things in our food for taste (not actually inedible, just taste awful) which is bad for me as I don't really want to pick through my food to find all of the inedible parts to ensure I don't have an awful taste in my mouth.

Anyway, my dad was cooking an oriental dish and called from the kitchen, "UpsideDownie, no cloves!" I called back "I'm not eating naked, that's weird."
I chuckled, he chuckled. And then later in the meal I had a mouthful of lime peel... He wins.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/upsidedownie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
🚨︎ report
I mean, he did kill a lot of ants.

So I get back home from college this weekend and my mom was explaining to me how we had a pretty bad ant infestation coming in through our kitchen wall.

My dad proceeds to tell me that he's gone through two bags of ant bait (they pick the food up and bring it back to the hive) already.

I say, oh wow you must be getting pretty good at killing ants then, and he says "I guess you can just call me the master-baiter". I had to stop and literally applaud him. My mom just rolled her eyes as usual, but I have to give it to the old man this time.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Need_A_Blumpkin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked Girlfriend Over 'The Walking Dead'

GF: "Why do the zombies want to eat people so badly?"

Me: "Because they have fast food addictions."

She was not pleased.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrThuglove
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2014
🚨︎ report
I was in Istanbul for a vacation...

And it's common to find dΓΆner and kebap as street food. After walking around a whole day with my friends, we found a 3 seat bench and squeezed all 4 of us on it. After we settled, I turned to my friends and said "Hehehe. 'Squish' kebap." Head shakes, groans, and "so bad, it's good" laughter followed.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CronoZero15
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
🚨︎ report
[Help]. I get Dad joked every day and I can't do anything about it! What's a good comeback?

As part of my job (I'm a cashier) I'm required to ask people how everything was. Almost every Dad says the exact same thing: "terrible". They then stare at me to see my reaction. When I laugh it off, they say "but what if I Had been serious?" In a very condescending way and make me feel bad for laughing. What I usually do is say "You're not being serious are you?" They say no with a little laugh and an awkward silence follows.

My friends suggested I take my acting to the next level and act genuinely concerned, turning the situation around. But I think there's a funnier solution. Any help?

Another thing: Our food rocks. There's no way they're being serious.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fenderguy314
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my fiancee while eating leftovers

I was eating some left over casserole from earlier in the week.

>Me: "You want me to warm you up some?"

>Her: "No, I dont trust it. I'm waiting to see if you get sick before I eat it." (she got food poisoning from some bad chicken a few weeks ago)

>Me: "Fair choice, I don't work till monday so I have some time to work through it if it's bad."

>Her: "Yeah, I thought eating it might be a little hairy."

>Me: "There wasnt any hair growing yet, I checked"

>Her: "..."

"The look" she gave me was more satisfying than I expected.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/albinobluesheep
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Working as an EMT...

We responded code 3 (lights and sirens) to a local McDonalds for a patient who had been burned. We get the patient in to the back of the ambulance for privacy and provide some more care. As I move up to the front so we can transport to the hospital, a vehicle pulls up right next to us. An older gentleman rolls down the window and without even a smirk asks, "So is the food really that bad?"

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/911gopher
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad trying to be clever in the Kitchen

My Dad and I were getting dinner ready when I quizzed him on how he seasoned the chicken and gravy mixture he was fawning over.

"Uh I haven't put anything in but the chicken, and the gravy."

"Were you going to season it?"

"Wasn't planning on it." he finished, apparently done with the conversation as his full attention was now on whatever football game was on. I decided if he wasn't going to take the initiative and make our food taste like something other than bland than I would.

"Here Dad put in some garlic," I said as i started grabbing spices from the cabinet.

"Some basil, salt, pepper, thyme... " I didn't see any thyme in here which was too bad because it would be just the thing for this.

"Hey DAD do we have any thyme left?" I asked him a little louder than I had been talking before.

"Time for what?" he asked, finally breaking his attention from the flat screen, a severely confused and almost worrried look cemented on his brow. And then, as quick as a camera lens closing to capture a shot, he winked.

.

.

.

TL;DR I'm pretty sure you have enough thyme to read it.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/erydayimredditing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
🚨︎ report
My grandpa's favorite joke

Grandpa: Do you want (insert amazing food/desert/snack here)?

Grandkids: YEAAAAAAHHHHH

Grandpa: Too bad, don't have any.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMojoRisin9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
🚨︎ report
More of a prank than a joke

I was sitting in a local Mexican food place with my wife having a late lunch and spot my 19yo daughter in the parking lot driving in her car with my 16yo daughter in the passenger seat. They were just returning from Vidcon.

They drove in front of the restaurant not noticing my wife's parked truck. I bolted out of the door of the restaurant and ran full tilt 500 yards across the parking lot following them all while ducking and weaving around cars so as not to be spotted. They pulled into a gas station on the other side of the parking lot from the restaurant just as I was able to sneak between the pumps and slam myself against her windshield and fall to the ground as if I had been hit. Then I flopped around on the ground like a fish.

It scared my 19yo daughter so bad she actually pee'd a little and couldn't stop crying. My 16yo was laughing so hard she couldn't breath.

I'm a bad Dad.

TL;DR: Bad father scared teenage daughter so bad she pee'd then cried.

Edit: Words

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/imdickie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about that new restaurant they built on the moon?

It has great food, but a bad atmosphere.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scorchedgoat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2017
🚨︎ report

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