My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 870
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked me "where does poo come from?" I was a little flustered, but did my best to explain about food, stomach, intestines, digestion, etc.

He looked confused, then stared at me in stunned silence. After a few seconds he asked "And Tigger?"

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ez-pz-lemon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Dr. Frankestein had a hard time creating his monster's stomach.

It was gut-wrenching.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Griphonium
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I was on the bathroom scales, sucking my stomach in.

Thinking I was trying to weigh less with this manouver, my wife commented, "I don't think that's going to help !!"

"Sure it does " I retorted "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Stained my shirt by spilling tequila on my stomach.

Something is telling me to ab-stain

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stebswahili
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I'll always refer to my stomach as Budapest

Because it is the capital of Hungary.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Team_Pineapple
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I ate a female cow for dinner and it upset my stomach...

It was a Miss Steak

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HateGettingGold
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A surgeon told me a story about how he dropped a tool into a patients stomach once.

It was gut wrenching.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourlife602
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you do when you have a stomach ache?

You rectify it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrestigeZyra
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Always wanted to be a rodeo clown, but couldn’t because I have stomach problems

No guts

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grit1963
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Had a dream yesterday. It was year 2021, There was a new pandemic of stomach flu...

We all had to wear diapers and we quickly recognised that masks in 2020 were not that bad.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
When in a new relationship, does your stomach hurt because of the butterflies...

Or the farts you hold in.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you hear a disembodied stomach grumble?

Gastral Projection

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holocaustarriver
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone should know that cows have four stomach compartments.

It's ruminantary knowledge!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twowheeledfun
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m not the mouth, the stomach, the small or large intestines

AITA?

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logoman4
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Bill Duke say when he has an upset stomach?

Gonna have me some Tums. Gonna have me some Tums.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallSignSabre13
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I did Yoga today morning and my stomach really hurt after that. Why?

Because I had Yoghurt before.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaibhageria
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A hungry man is more satisfied eating food than a man with full stomach.

Except if he is a cannibal.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kitianoxx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.

Frankly, it's not her bismuth.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a film about a spanner made of a human stomach.

It was gut-wrenching.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My dog ate an entire box of crayons by himself and got a horrible stomach ache.

It was pretty shitty.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Commment
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cowβ€˜s stomach ached?

Because there was no more rumen it

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FernandoLH95
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My stomach is acting up

I have a bad case of dire rear

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubfurSir
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Sir, you have an upset stomach

Me: So that’s where all that crying is coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm sick
πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
i went to the doctor's woth my parents, and found out i have tapeworms in my stomach. the doctor showed us some pictures of tapeworms. and both my parents fainted.

i guess ive got a stomach for it

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeeturking
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do spiders take when they get stomach aches?

Webto-Bismol

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mqge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My stomach is FLAT.

The L is just silent.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach,

which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ubadishnard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Some Campy Humor

Three men go camping in the wilderness; a German, an Italian and a Czechoslovakian. While asleep, their campsite is attacked by a couple of bears and all 3 men are presumed killed. Forest Rangers get deployed to find the missing campers. After inspecting the campsite, the Rangers discover the bear tracks and follow them to the den. Inside are the 2 bears, a male and a female, which the Rangers quickly kill. First, they opened the stomach of the female and inside were the remains of the German and Italian men.

"Looks like our work here is done," the lead Ranger says to his partner.

"But we only found 2 bodies!" The partner cries back.

The Ranger removes his sunglasses and looks vacantly into the distance before finally telling his partner:

"Clearly the Czech is in the male."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Today in veterinary class we learned that cows have 4 stomachs to digest the grasses they consume...

It's graze anatomy.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Just found out I have a cold and the stomach flu.

I’ve got the Friday Night Blights

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phransisco
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
🚨︎ report
I recently made a fluffy, delicious European breakfast entree, but when I finished eating it I had a stomach ache.

It was a Belchin Waffle

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawall12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I had some Greek food that upset my stomach.

Now I falafel.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dameski
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Just ate this, now i get butterflies in my stomach (is it how you use it idk im bad at English)
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EqualZero
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, β€œHa! That’s not going to help!”

β€œSure, it does.” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.

Ha! That’s not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. Its the only way I can see the numbers.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBigReeeeee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach...

β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach...

β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
🚨︎ report

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