Spot (fish) Puns

It was a red herring.

I wish the First National would stop sending their packages to my pond's address...

So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.

Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"

"What was that?"

"It sounded like the voice of God!"

"Well let's try somewhere else."

They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:

"There are no fish here!"

So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:

"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"

Is that water brackish?

Yeah it's sorta brownish blackish guess you could call it brackish

Researchers have discovered that when mixed with spices found in popular Hispanic dishes, ground peanuts make a great meat substitute!

It's also been found that an offshoot of the banana family, when fried, makes an awesome faux-fish sandwich!

Craving a frozen treat, but can't handle dairy? Some have found that chilled grapes and prunes can hit that sweet spot in a healthy way!

Keep experimenting with cruelty-free ideas!

TL/DR:

If you like peanut-chiladas, and getting cod from plantains, if you're not into yogurt 'cause you have lactose pains, you could make a lovely delight with some prunes and some grapes. Here's the grub that you've looked for, get that meat off your plate!

I recently joined a CSF - a community supported fishery. Once a week, I'll pick up a filet of freshly-caught salmon, a bag of shellfish, or other such delights from the Pacific Ocean and bring it home to my darling wife and children to much joy (or anguish, depending on who you're asking.)

You get to choose your pick-up spot, and I chose a location close to my office, so I could swing by on the way home; it's a nautical-themed bar, appropriate for such a business transaction. "Go to the bartender and ask for the fish", say the instructions; so I did, and he handed me the catch of the day. Gleaming white filets, glorious they were. Then I met a friend of mine, and after chatting for a little while, I went home.

"Jack," says my wife, "what took you so long? You should have been home an hour ago!"

"Sorry," I said. "I stopped by the bar, just for the halibut."

I'm chatting with my girlfriend's dad about his recent ice fishing trip when he pulls out his phone and shows me a picture of his ice fishing spot.

It is just a picture of the lake-ice with a black X spray painted onto it.

I look at him, confused at first but then I realized he was kidding with me.

I tell him that he is going to have a hard time finding it next year.

He responds "I know the ice is going to melt, that's why I took a picture"

Bloody Mary, Bulgogi

Fish Tacos

Corned beef, Crab Salad, Clams, Creamcicle

Fruit Roll-Ups

Jerked Beef

Kumquat

NutterButter

Red Hots

Pigs in Blanket, Pot Stickers, Pulled Pork

Spotted dick, Stuffed Peppers

Tuna Melt, Twizzlers

Virgin Margarita

I took my fiancée to the sea life centre this afternoon. In the walk-through tunnel under the aquarium, she spotted a fish which had a large wound on its side which looked quite nasty.

"I wonder what happened to it" she asked.

"Maybe it fell off its motor-pike" I replied.

Eye rolling commenced.

Me and my dad were at the aquarium and spotted a sturgeon (a fish).

Dad: I wonder where he got his PHD? Me: I don't know, but he probably does brain sturgery.

My dad nods his head and we continue through the exhibit.

I was sitting in a local Mexican food place with my wife having a late lunch and spot my 19yo daughter in the parking lot driving in her car with my 16yo daughter in the passenger seat. They were just returning from Vidcon.

They drove in front of the restaurant not noticing my wife's parked truck. I bolted out of the door of the restaurant and ran full tilt 500 yards across the parking lot following them all while ducking and weaving around cars so as not to be spotted. They pulled into a gas station on the other side of the parking lot from the restaurant just as I was able to sneak between the pumps and slam myself against her windshield and fall to the ground as if I had been hit. Then I flopped around on the ground like a fish.

It scared my 19yo daughter so bad she actually pee'd a little and couldn't stop crying. My 16yo was laughing so hard she couldn't breath.

I'm a bad Dad.

TL;DR: Bad father scared teenage daughter so bad she pee'd then cried.

Edit: Words

An ice fisherman hauls his gear across the ice to his fishing spot. He puts his gear down and begins to cut his hole into the ice. A few seconds after he begins, he is startled by a booming, ominous voice;

"DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE."

He shrugs it off and decides he is clearly hearing things, so he resumes cutting his hole into the ice. A few seconds later, again;

"DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE."

Clearly he isn't hearing things and begins to feel a bit scared. He still needs to feed his family however, and so resumes his cutting. A third time he hears the voice;

"DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE."

This time he puts down his saw, looks to the sky and asks, "God? Is that you?"

"THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER. DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE!"