Spaghetto
It gets mugged every single morning.
A diamond.
They have pawsitraction!
...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.
Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.
Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.
The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.
The cashier said nevermind
The spaghetto.
Strangely enough, they mostly only read the daddy issues.
Boing
He was cap-sized.
The Times are rough.
h
It was a hard drive.
They send electricity through your nerves to see the response time. I was shocked to find out I have carpel tunnel syndrome.
A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, “there is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, “No no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, “Ruff!” The man carries on the bit, “See bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, “Now boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” “Well here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” “Ruff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, “I won’t ask again sir.” “I have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” “Ruff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, “sorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, “maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”
You’d think it’d be meow.
"Of coarse I do," I replied.
He really whiffed hard.
If they flew over the bay they would be baygulls.
A little constipation here and there, but the hard part is over.
Now there's a diamond in the ruff (rough)
You’d think they’d be meow
I only wanted to rough him up a bit.
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
But in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.
But I think it's OK
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
Four... roughly speaking.
Just as a matter of interest will Electricians be "self isolating" under the "current" situation and staying at "Ohm" ?
crying his eyes out. I said to my mum "what's up with him?"
She said "he's just going through a rough patch".
And I'm not a mourning person.
It was rough.
You could call it a rough neighborhood
Because it's a little rough
You can tell they're really going through it.
I took it for granite.
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
So my girlfriend and I are both in college and I'm at her dorm waiting for her to get ready for class. She takes off her glasses and starts looking through her drawer when she says "Aw why did I do this to myself? I ran out of contacts"
I go "Babe, if it's more friends that you need, we can go out tonight and meet new people"
After the usual eye roll she goes "No I wanna see"
To which I reply, "Why would you want a C? I'm shooting for at least a B or an A in all of my classes"
That was probably the heaviest sigh I've ever heard from her
Peepee
(Rough one but I just used it on my kids and they laughed)
