Damn he must be very far away by now
A kid was manning the pump and I asked if they take cards He replies with a straight face : No we give it back after swiping
It wasn't all bad though, I love grilled fish.
They say he's still on the lamb
We had a wheely good time.
Only if he’s a good conductor.
Step 1.
For a moment, I thought he was gone with the Schwinn.
The cop arrested me for driving under the influencer
This is no Bacon Tree, this is a Ham Bush.
It's a vicious cycle.
My son is learning to ride his bike and when he falls off he looks up with tears in his eyes asking 'WHY?"
I just tell him its a vicious cycle.
He was the greatest Metro Gnome ever.
Be careful, I herd they were on the lamb.
Moo bitch, get outda way! 🤨
Wheeeeeeeee!
Khal Amari
He does it for safety porpoises
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
It was fun serfing the waves!
And bragging to all my friends that I am a Mail Escort.
It was a one-trek pony.
[and posted a picture of him and his bike on a rest day.] (https://i.imgur.com/IapqomG.png)
Edit: Whoa this is getting popular. I live on the other side of the world, and am about to go to bed, but I am just going to put his [donation page] (http://ccf.convio.net/site/TR?px=3433802&fr_id=1580&pg=personal) at the top of the post if anyone is interested. It is no big deal, but if someone is looking, I thought I'd put it at the top. Either way, you all are going to make his day when I show him how many people appreciated his joke. I just hope this doesn't mean that I have to laugh at all of them from now on...
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
A night owl.
It's a straightforward process.
I was wrong on many levels
when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
Until I got kicked out of the shop.
He was peddling his ass all over town.
So I just moped around the house all weekend...
Thought that was pretty sikh!
CHEW CHEW!
Son: "What? Yes, totally!"
Dad (turns to look at mother tenderly): "I think she's a lovely and beautiful woman, a good wife to me, and a good mother to you."
Son: sigh.
I asked the leader of our group:
“How much horse power this thing have?”
Leader: “Are you serious?”
Wife: “Oh my gosh...he does this all the time”
Step 1.
Wheeeeeeee-ls
I didn’t believe him until I saw the news. He really was on the lamb
"Well, time to retire my bike..."
I then proceeded to buy a new tire.
He was badly injured, and yelled to his friend, "Quick! Call me a doctor!"
Bill said, "I don't really see how that will help, but if you insist: 'You're a doctor!'"
Horse: That’s because you don’t have a thaddle, idiot.
And he went "Neigh! Neigh!"
Goose bumps
Sawed-off shotgun
This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.
One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.
One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.
One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. “Oh Junior,” she said, “you’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. “Well Grandma,” he replied. “It’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: “Jack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: “Ma, we’re happy, you can’t just-“ But she interrupted. “No excuses!” She snapped. “You need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”
It's a vicious cycle.
Apparently they were paying their employees under the stable.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Bonus dad points the longer you draw it out with your arms in the air and/or in a public place)
Because he was two tired
The judge told her she was going to hell in a hand basket.
My dad was giving me a ride home. We pulled out onto the main road behind a pickup truck with a bunch of other vehicles tires stacked up in the bed so that they were about even with the top of the cab. Without hesitation my dad said, "He looks tired." Then he looked over and just waited for me to get it.
http://madeofmistake.com/roller-coaster
That's the findings of the latest gallop poll
I guess you call a fair retail
Your handbrake. (I could almost see the irritating smoke coming from her nostrils.)
I said that can't be right because he still doesn't have any body with him.
We saw one of those circular open-sided fences around some hay. My son asked what it was. "I don't know", I said, "but it certainly rings a bale."
I wonder if he still said "weeee!", or if he said "meeee!" instead.
You are delusional.
They were always stalin'.
How pair-o-ducks-cycle.
It was a little huffy.
I said "It's a good job to stick with... Just making a point..."
Me: "No, you're in the left lane." Her: side eye
We pass a corvette that has veteran plates and my dad says, "Of course he is driving a corvette, he is a corps vet."
I just gave him the ol' grin and eye roll
My dad got me long ago when I was probably 3-4. For some reason a have remembered this one for decades. I was riding in the truck with him and was reading the street signs.
Me: "Stop Ahead." Dad: "Well, if I see a head I'll be sure to stop it."
I'm in the car with my dad and roll down the window saying "It's muggy in here!" He responds with, "Just like Central Park. It's also robby and stabby."
"You know they just outlawed those right?"
Why?
"Because the cows weren't getting square meals."
My sister was showing me some pictures of her prom-dress. I said it looked like something out of game of thrones, but she didn't agree.
Me: "Oh well, it's not like I know that much about dresses anyways."
Dad, from behind the wheel: "As long as you know how to UNZIP THEM!!"
I high fived him and my mother and sister looked disgusted.
His lips were chapped!
Step 1.
