I bought this dumb novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Where do you park a camel?
At the Camelot
(My Egyptian father’s fav joke)
I got banned from /r/DadJokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"
Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...
For my birthday my brother bought me an elephant for my room.
I said "Thanks." He said "Don't mention it."
I have a pun for you guys, it’s a one liner
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt
It’s because of the small arms
Today I learnt what Yoda was short for,
Because he's got little legs.
Not sure if OP was going for a pun
A friend of mine is quite well known for sweeping girls off their feet.
He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the street.
Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!
Who was the fattest knight in Camelot?
I saw male wigs on sale for $1
It’s a small price toupee
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
They renamed the charger for the iphone.
Now they just call it apple juice.
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?
Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..
Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
I went to an Indian restaurant last night for some garlic bread.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road...
Asked my contractor why he didn’t bill me for my new roof
He said “Don’t worry about it, it’s on the house!”
Pleasantly prepared punchline! The Argyle Sweater for 5/13/21
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
If Chewie is short for Chewbacca, and Ben is short for Obi Wan, what is Luke short for?
After being single for years, my best friend said, "Can I set you up?
I said "Go on then!!"
Now I'm doing 12 years for a crime I didn't commit.
It’s kind of sad that Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
Because he wanted space
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
My granddaugter today (she's 8) How did the man breath underwater for so long without help?
He put a glass of water on his head!
It's the first time I have been able to see and hug her in over a year, and she made me so proud!
*Edit: So many typos in my title.
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
A technique that has been used for decades
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
For some reason most of my friends didn't like it
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
The Argyle Sweater for 3/31/21
Started an OnlyFans account. Pretty excited for my early retirement
My mom thanked me for coming to visit for Mother’s Day.
I said “thanks for having me.”
I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?”
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
I laughed for a while at this
Request: going into business as a wedding celebrant, looking for business name suggestions that are punny and memorable
My daughter wants a pony for Xmas.
I think a traditional turkey would taste better, but it's her choice.
Puns like that are good for your :
My wife arrived for an appointment and texted me "There's no body here!"
"Well I hope you would call the cops if there were"
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
I finally quit drinking for good
I bought a wig for a dollar......
It was a small price toupee.
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