Pureness Puns

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Everything in Ordis, Operator? Is that a pun?! Hmm.... I will attempt to bypass this fault.

His name is Fidough

He's such a smoothie talker.

Guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.

https://preview.redd.it/u81x67ki5t041.png?width=549&format=png&auto=webp&s=4c3fca86192cd859260f584ca26b53bbb8911892

Their laughing stock

irrelephant ...,,,,That was the most stupidest joke ,sorry

I told him, 'that makes two of us'.

some would call it Legendairy.

Ah HA

He texts me "what's for dinner tonight?"

I reply "I'm making falafel from scratch".

He says: "I thought it was from chickpeas not scratch".

Son: His amp is on fire!

Dad: it’s an amplifire!

They lead such chased lives!

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread

We were in town yesterday and a guy was busking,playing the spoons.

I noticed that a few people were turning their heads and starting to pay attention.

Then she hit me with it.

'That man playing the spoons; he's causing quite the stir'

It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem.. I call it my Trail Mix.

He was always very in-a-cent.

They just pick things up as they go along.

http://imgur.com/aINHN38

Keurigslist

After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each."

The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?"

She says: "Adam and Eve!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?"

She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!"

She gets into Heaven.

The saint turns to the last nun - the mother superior - and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?"

Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one..."

The saint lets her right into Heaven.

The End.

“Thanks, it’s pure bread!”.

Because he wasn't born yesterday

She got a Golden Retreiver

And that look.....that's the look we all know and love. A truly well executed dad joke.

Bamboo-zled

I told her, "No, it's pure dog."

And a man with pure hatred in his eyes threw a baguette at me for no good reason. It was a throw with malice, and I considered retaliation, but as they say... Evil baguettes evil.

The kid kept screaming, screeching poorly-articulated profanities at the disinterested father. Over the screaming chaos, the father managed to order a water for himself, and an orange juice for his kid. The waitress came by with the drink, and within moments the kid smashed his cup onto the floor out of pure, unaimed toddler rage, spilling the drink all over the floor and the waitress.

The father apologized, but asked if the gremlin could still have a second orange juice, hoping the kid would miraculously calm down. The waitress conceded despite the terribly behaved toddler, and returned to the shrieking zone with a second orange juice. She had forgotten to clean up the puddle of orange juice however, and slipped. The cup of juice went straight into the kid's face, and like a fire extinguisher to a flame, the kid just went silent, as if a lesson had been learned. Everyone in the restaurant looked at the table in silence.

Juice twice had finally been served.

Mum: why would anyone buy their child a fortnite calendar? Dad: they come out every two weeks.

Friend 1: I love that song!

Friend 2: Yeah it’s a bop.

Me: Yeah i heard that it was number one at the BOPS office.

Both friends: glares of pure hatred

Pure bread.

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says “Just so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

“Is your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and “that was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

Because it was boring.

Milk

It's pasteurized before you see it!

They're making headlines everywhere!

A new tomb has been discovered in the valley of the kings, Egypt. The grave goods seem to consist purely of ancient chocolate and nuts. Apparently, the tomb belonged to the 'Pharaoh Rocher'.

Before today this guy had 22 subscribes. Since being posted on reddit, his subscriber count is much higher. Regardless, his Dad jokes are unparalleled.

"Do you know which president had the strongest stomach muscles? Abs Lincoln."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_owbX2VkcE

Edit: Au, thanks for the gold!

I tell them that's not the case. I'm just from Michigan, so I'm midweSTERN

I take my steak blue rare. My mom takes her stake well done. After cooking the steaks my dad puts them on our plates at the dinner table. Without fail, I end up with a well done steak on my plate and my mom ends up with a blue rare steak on hers.

When my mom and I switch steaks, my dad proudly proclaims, "It appears I have made a miss-steak".

This happens once a month.

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.

Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:

• You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
• You have a good sense of humour
• You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
• You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
• You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
• You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
• You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
• Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required

Here's what I am not looking for:

• Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
• An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
• A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say

If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int

My dad and I were leaving a Christian jewelry shop when the cashier lady told my dad "come back soon, and bring your wife or girlfriend!" My dad replied "Ok, thanks! I'll bring them both."

My father and I were in the supermarket and saw Benedict Cumberbatch on the cover of GQ. My sister was looking to collect copies so I thought I'd try and be clever, "Isn't Sheer-lock we found this?" Without skipping a beat, my dad turns around, pretends he hasn't heard what I said and replies, "Watson?"

Starting on the 1st of December and running until the 10th, /r/dadjokes will be self-post only. This 10 day trial is being conducted to measure the overall effect on post quality. We hope to see a reduction in posts that exist purely for karma-gaming, and an increase in posts that represent our favourite dad jokes and stories.

This is not a ban on images. You may still link to pictures within your self-post - but you will no longer receive karma for doing so. Also as a suggestion try and be witty about it, don't just post pictures as the only content in the post. If there is a story behind it (involving your dad or anyones dad) then give that more of a preference and use the picture as a supporting arm for the joke, remember to be nice and the punnier the better.

As always, we're open to hearing your thoughts on the matter - and this thread will be stickied for the 10 days so that you can pop in and let us know how you feel the trial is going.

I've seen a fish and chip shop called Fishcoteque and a kebab shop called Abrakebabra. But what would be a good name for a Nazi memorabilia/antique shop?

Suggestions gratefully received!

(Equiry purely out of interest, no plans on opening one!)

I worked at a restaurant years ago.

Me: Would you like some complementary bread while you look over our menu?

Husband: Is it well bread?

Me: It's pure bread.

The wife rolled her eyes. The husband and I smiled.

"It'll be about a man sitting in a chair doing nothing all day," he says. "I'll call it American Idle."

"Hey, that's alright with me. No harm, no fowl. Right?"

He then look around the table with this face of pure enjoyment and the proceeded to say:

"Get it? Like, fowl! F-o-w-l!"

He then laughed at his own joke for the next two mins while we all internally laughed with him but externally judged him.

A pure-bread animal.

It's pure poultry in motion

Japanese Hibatchi steakhouse, all the chefs in cheesy cowboy outfits.

Dad: I guess you're from Western Japan.
Chef: Oooo got me there.

Groans.

Are we not pure? “No sir!” Panama’s moody Noriega brags. “It is garbage!” Irony dooms a man; a prisoner up to new era.

My bf recently told me about this subreddit, purely because my dad is one of the dadjokiest dads we know. Today, I finally got to document a stellar example of his fatherly humor.

While making a sarcastic FB post regarding furniture I can't afford...

During dinner...

Dad (looking me square in the eye):You ever been shoulders deep in a pussy?

Me:Wha-...no.

Dad:WHAT WERE YA, SOME KINDA ASSHOLE-BABY?!

He proceeds to belly-laugh while my mum looks at him in pure disgust.

Dad: "Have you heard of the movie Constipation?"

Me: "No?"

Dad: "It never came out"

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog

I shouldn't have gotten a pure bread.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

I guess that's what I get for having a pure bred dog

When it's pure bread.

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

Guess that's what we get for buying a pure bread dog...

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

I guess that's what you get for having a pure bread dog.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bred

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog