I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.
My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 12 2020
What did John McEnroe say when he got to the smallest and westernmost of Canada's three federal territories?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 21 2017
Someone told me Yukon is the largest territory in Canada
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 16 2020
How much of Northern Canada is habitable?
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 14 2021
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
I just found out the country of Canada is a complete work of fiction.
π︎ 71
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
In which part of Canada are you not allowed to do anything?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
π︎ 333
π
︎ May 12 2021
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
π︎ 371
π
︎ May 14 2021
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10.β
I still donβt get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
Justin is the Prime Minister of Canada...
What, you don't believe me?
It's Trudeau.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Itβs kind of sad that Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
π︎ 500
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?
That's what I do when I'm Russian
π︎ 344
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! π
π︎ 174
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
What kind of batteries do they use in Canada?
π︎ 124
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
Nobody believes me when I say I can name the prime minister of Canada
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
I built a model of Mt.Everest and my son asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied "No."
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
A lot of people canβt tell the difference between entomology and etymology.
I canβt find the words for how much this bugs me.
π︎ 373
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
My wife called me at work and told me one of our envelopes is giving her an attitude
I told her I will address it when I get home
π︎ 64
π
︎ May 04 2021
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
π︎ 357
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
If a one L Lama is a holy man and a 2 L Llama is a beast of burden, what is a three L Llama?
π︎ 34
π
︎ May 07 2021
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 08 2021
Disney just announced a Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean crossover
I'm looking forward to seeing Arrgghh-2-D2.
π︎ 62
π
︎ May 10 2021
What do you call an alligator that shows up suddenly and out of nowhere?
π︎ 57
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
I was reading the history of the French Revolution, and just found out what happened to Louis XVI βs head.
π︎ 28
π
︎ May 14 2021
Iβm not sure if itβs true or false that he is the Prime Minister of Canada, but that his name is Justin
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Why was the US mad at Canada for remaining part of the commonwealth?
Because being stuck with the land of the Angles is obtuse
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
A coworker of mine spilled boiling hot coffee on my leg and had the nerve to ask where it hurts
π︎ 46
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
While talking about Tommy Hilfiger and the prices of Tommy Hilfiger. I randomly did this
π︎ 485
π
︎ Mar 17 2021
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
π︎ 112
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
We had a potato cannon once. We had some dumpster bread. We were shooting it full of grass, bread and leaves....
Technically our cannon "shoots eats and leaves".
(As in the oxford comma panda assassin... that "eats, shoots, and leaves")
Anyway I've waited years for someone to appreciate this .... and it has never happened so far. I hope you are slightly amused....
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 07 2021
does anyone know if a doctor can take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn't a relative?
π︎ 35
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
How is the British child of an Australian bear and a Antarctic sea animal like a Tupperware?
They're both koala-tea-seals!
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 04 2021
The first letter of the sign of a derelict hotel fell off and killed a man.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 15 2021
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
βYou wouldnβt get it, itβs Norse codeβ
π︎ 373
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
Iβve only got my shelf to blame.
π︎ 42
π
︎ May 06 2021
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
π︎ 62
π
︎ May 03 2021
A group of geese is a gaggle, agroup of rats: a mischief, a murder of crows, bats a colony and men a crowd. What's a group of batmen?
π︎ 145
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
Canadian PM Justin Trudeau considers changing the name of a province
But the voters are having Nunavut
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
After Orville and Wilburβs first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:
βAre you all Wright?!β
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
I'm filming a new documentary about the governor of the Roman province of Judaea, serving under Emperor Tiberius...
We're currently filming the Pilate.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
The two men stared intensely at each other over the chessboard, neither one making a move. Suddenly, one of the men gasped in horror and shouted, "How is this possible? You must be taught by the Soviets!"
The other smirked and replied, "Czech, mate."
π︎ 42
π
︎ May 12 2021
My herd of cows got loose and wandered into a field of Marijuana
The stakes have never been so high
π︎ 38
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
What kind of gun is common in Canada?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
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