I want to make a procedural music generator with a custom scripting language.

Think I could tailor Swift?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KelvinShadewing
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
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What do you say to the person getting breast reduction procedure?

I hope it takes the weight off your chest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/srkash
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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What do doctors call the procedure to turn a female to male?

Sir-gery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiceNiqqa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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The very first sex change procedures were perfected in ancient Egypt...

...they became quite skilled at making daddy's into mummy's.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Have you heard about the new pissing pandemic and its safety procedures ?

If not, well then I guess urine danger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinnlo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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After a procedure... Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks

Me: Can I play piano?

Doctor: Yes you can.

Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/swatttt007
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IMightNotBeKevin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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What repeatable, documented procedure do artists use when formulating the perfect shade of blue?

The Cyantific Method!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EyeTack
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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What is the name for the medical procedure in which caviar is harvested?

Sturgery!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zombywoolf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?

Transcend dental medication.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InfidelCastrato
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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Doctor used some light sedation for my procedure the other day.

Not sure if it was working though because I didn’t feel a thing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PleaseBeSerious
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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My black father had a race and a sex change procedure.

Now she's TRANSPARENT!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drexvil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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During a recent painful procedure at my dentist's office...

It was suggested by his assistant that I keep my thoughts focused on my "happy place". I said, "No problem, I practice transcen-dental meditation" Not even a snicker from the two of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aceoftrachs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2015
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I'm getting Lasik and I keep hearing that it might smell burnt cornea during the procedure, and my coworker says ...

"it'll smell like pop-cornea."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikiverse
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2017
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My Dad had a procedure done a few weeks ago and told me he was in the hospital for a follow up cat scan.

I interrupted and asked if he remembered what type of cat.

[Yes, I used a dad joke on my dad. He taught me well.]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dances_w_vowels
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
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Dr, will I be able to play the piano after the procedure?

Sitting with my father in the pre op room before he gets stints put into his arteries. Dr is talking to him about what they will do and various risks etc. Dad: Dr, will I be able to play the piano after the procedure? Dr: Yes, I see no reason why this procedure would stop you from doing that. Dad: Great! I've never knew how to play before! Then he continues to giggle and laugh as the dr continues to go over his procedure, and they didn't even give him the Valium yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisJustin77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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procedure is now known as an addadictomy salon.com/2015/03/13/firs…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rudeboyx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2015
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I frequently dad joke my lab, I hid this one in a procedure room for my next unfortunate victim. (X-post from r/labrats)

Sorry, this one only works as a picture: http://imgur.com/a/JwNOc

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neuropean
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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I was thinking about opening a new doctors surgery...

But then I realised that I don't have the patients for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattgibbo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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What happened to this sub?

http://m.imgur.com/ImM3RWz

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dpenton
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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My new job has me moving boxes upon boxes of pickles.

I find the whole procedure rather cumbersome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFillywonk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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Laser eye surgery is a scam and should be avoided at all costs.

I had the procedure done 10 years ago, and I STILL can’t shoot laser beams from my eyes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plmcalli
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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I just had Lasik corrective surgery.

During the consultation on Saturday, my nervous wife accompanied me to learn more about the procedure. She got me pretty good when she said it was an "eye-opening experience."

Rest assured I didn't leave her the last word. After the procedure yesterday, I exited the operating room to find her waiting in a crowded lobby. She looked up at me, and I got her back with "Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisFRKNRogers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
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Dad joked my interviewer today.

So i went in for an interview at my local State college. It used to be a community college a few years ago. The job was for evaluating transcripts and archiving them. Anyway, I get offered the job, and of course a I accept. We were going over some procedural paperwork, I-9, W-4 you know that stuff.

He asks me my birthday, and I say June 24.

"What year?" "Every year."

He just stares at me with a bit of a disgruntled expression.

Yeah new boss, I'm going to be that guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smubii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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Was told the ultimate dad joke today.. (I may be over exaggerating a little)

I work a cancer hospital and schedule patients for surgery and procedures and stuff. I had this one couple who I knew I would like as soon as they sat down. The first thing the man says to me β€œyou wanna hear a joke?” Me β€œah, of course!” ....a few moments of silence go by... dad β€œdid you hear about that actress? I think she played in miss congeniality? It was Reese something? She committed suicide.” Totally buying the story I go, β€œare you serious!? Reese Witherspoon!?” And with out a beat he says β€œNo, with a knife.” And I looked at him for a few seconds to comprehend the joke and then lost it! I know this is probably old but it’s a classic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brooklynne33
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
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My dad, type 2 diabetic, after 11 months of suffering chemo/radiation treatment for pancreatic cancer, 5 months after he was told the surgery failed and it was terminal. Brother reads off the back of a Sweet'N Low packet "...been determined to cause cancer to laboratory animals" Dad snaps back

"Bullshit! I've been using that stuff for years and...(looks at 13" scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh... shit..."

Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general. Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dude0311
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
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Got a vasectomy earlier this week. Can't masturbate for a while so I have lots of free time for dad jokes.

Seems like a vas improvement so far.

The urologist told me that I need to use an athletic supporter for 3 to 7 days following the procedure but he also said not to ejaculate for at least a week so what exactly am I supposed to do with this cheerleader in my basement?

Speaking of birth control, what's the difference between permanent female sterilization and a Russian bakery? Well, one's a tubal ligation, the other's a Ruble pie station.

My greatest regret in all this is that I can no longer dress up for Halloween as a pirate and carrying around a sign that says, "Ask me what I use to convey sperm from my testicle to my urethra," for the sake of replying, "A vas, matey!"

Look, these are hard to come up with and my nads are sore. Give me something to make the wife groan that sexy, "why did I marry you" groan that we all love.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neverthesame2x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
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I was separated from my mother at birth...

Don't worry, it's a standard medical procedure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seananiganzx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
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The greatest prank call I ever pulled off

I was an ER tech in a fairly busy inner city hospital for a few years. On one unusually slow night, around 3am, I called up to labor and delivery from an outside line. The conversation went like this:

"Labor and Delivery Nancy speaking"

"Hi I have an unusual problem and I am hoping you can help me."

"OK what can I do for you?"

"Well a couple weeks ago my wife and I had a baby boy who was born with an extremely rare condition. You see, he was born without eyelids."

"Oh my goodness!"

"Yes. Well at your hospital there they tried a new experimental treatment. They used the foreskin from his circumcision to create eyelids for him. Have you heard about this procedure?"

"OH MY GOD! No! I haven't!"

"Well everything was going great and he seemed to be healing well but when he woke up this morning, he looked a little cockeyed..."

"..........."

"COCKEYED!"

<click>

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurnTheTVOff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2015
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My boss asked me to skim through a document

So today at work, my boss asked us to skim through a document regarding a new/old procedure. When she finished I ask if I could almond milk it since I don't drink dairy.

They actually laughed.

I don't know if I should feel proud or embarrassed for them that they thought it was actually funny.

Maybe a bit of a and b.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prockles
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2017
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Advances in medical science has made vasectomies painless and easy

Compared to what the procedure used to consist of, there's a vas deferens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pi-Guy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2015
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My grandfather said this to his proctologist after a colonoscopy

"Doctor, since you put me to sleep during the procedure, you weren't at all a pain in my ass."

He says the proctologist started laughing, but I have my doubts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evthehustler
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
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Theater

When I was 12 I broke my arm and the doctor needed to put me under to re-align it. After the nurse explained the procedure she asked if we had any questions before she took me into the theater; Dad had one. "What movie's playing?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meatbricks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2013
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Co-worker got me today

So my co-worker comes up to me & asks if I'd heard about the baby born with no eyelids. I responded no, & had no idea where he was going with this (he's told stories like this before & seems to just mess around with people). He tells me 'yeah, the doctor decided to fix it, so they took the skin from the foreskin of his penis.' Okay... really random story or I was just clueless. 'But there was a problem with the procedure, and the baby ended up coming out of the surgery cock-eyed.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sharpfangs11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2015
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I think I Nailed this

I'm on my mobile, so I apologize for any typos.


Today I had a simple surgical procedure at my local podiatrist.

At the end of the procedure the doctor was applying an acid to the surgical site, and I asked what he was using.

Doc: "...this is called Phenol, and it discourages the regrowth of the ingrown nail."

Me: "That sounds phenolmenal!"

He stopped what he was doing for a moment, and we had a good laugh, turns out he had never heard that all to obvious pun.

Also, I'm pretty sure khakis are going to sprout from my legs pretty soon.

I'll keep you all in the loop on that front

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agr8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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Dadjoking Shorty (part 1)

A bit of backstory. I'm notorious among my circle of friends for telling "terrible puns/jokes" I think it's amazing, but I'd been rolling them out all day, patience for puns must've gotten shortened.

I'm talking with Shorty (named because she had short hair) and she was telling me about a book she had started.

Shorty "So the book's called 'Cutting for Stone' and it's like a doctor drama kinda thing, the only issue is that that it's super heavy on the medical terminology, so many bloody surgeries and procedures are listed, and I don't really know anything about that kids stuff. Like it's got an interesting plot but I don't know if I can't finish it, I'm not to sure I'm cut out for it"

At that last line I began laughing (her pun was unintentional) and compliment her on it "ha that was good. You're not 'cut out' for it"

Shorty "Oh god that was terrible just stop"

Me "You want me to 'cut' it out?"

Shorty "I'm going to kill you if you keep this up woman"

Me "You're gonna 'cut' me up?"

Shorty "Your jokes are terrible and it's proven that puns make people angry"

At this point I was just rolling in my chair laughing I really couldn't keep it together, possibly the best reply rolls through my head after this comment, I crack up, there I am choking out as tears come to my eyes. "Well it's a good thing it's not a PUNishable offense"

The girl next to me starts laughing as shorty yells at me how I can't just start crying at my own jokes.

TLDR; A witty banter of sharper than usual humor, as I walk a razor thin line of pissing off my friend and pissing myself with laughter.

I have many other stories so I titled this part one,if anybody likes my writing and jokes I'll share the rest!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bingo4913
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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Colonoscopies are just as painful as a dad joke punch line

My parents and I were eating dinner and talking about how Joan Rivers died after being put under anesthesia for a procedure that could have been forgone. My mom, a doctor, compared it to a colonoscopy in the sense that it is a routine procedure you get put under anesthesia for but you don't expect to die from.

Dad: Can't they perform colonoscopies now by having the patient swallow a pill with a camera?

Mom/Dr: They can but they won't be able to see the whole colon.

Dad: So, semicolon?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FollowillFan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
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