My eggs went to the playground without my permission today.

But omelette it slide

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leon_Waffles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Cross-posted with permission from U/WoodchuckRailroad
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Told to me by my father this morning. Did you hear about the pun that murdered ten people and then died in the standoff?

The headline was β€œpun and ten dead” (meant to sound like pun intended.)

Definitely not the best but it was kinda funny. He was definitely pleased with it

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DragonRider7710
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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All ways ask for permission
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shjahaha
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry

He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"

I said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"

The wedding is next month

πŸ‘︎ 366
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πŸ‘€︎ u/selector96
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission.

That makes me sick.....

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snooprs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.

I was beside myself.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/million_monkeys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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My kid got tattoos of a heart, club, diamond and spadeβ€”all without my permission.

I might have to deal with him later.

πŸ‘︎ 202
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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My friend Lara always borrows my hair brush without my permission.

She's a comb raider.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wakanda4eva4eva
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
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If you move someone's dildo without their permission, then that's a dick move.
πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DisRuptive1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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My teenage son got a tattoo of a deck of cards without our permission.

I might have to deal with him later.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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Fired an employee for going on vacation to Hawaii without permission

We don't take kindly to beach of contract

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NLdave
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Why do melons always ask for their parents' permission to get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pku31
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2017
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My son brought me a permission slip to join the safety committee at school.

I signed it, but I still can't figure out why the tea isn't safe.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sric2838
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Fill it with spring water.

πŸ‘︎ 317
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MnkySpnk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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My friend owns a greenhouse...

My friend owns a greenhouse and was trying to drum up sales for valentine's day. She put out a bunch of posters all over town - in the park, outside city hall, and even in a few convenience stores and restaurants. Just about everyone was incredibly helpful and gave her permission. However, the animal sanctuary owner refused outright and asked her to leave. She was very sad, but in the end, she came to understand that...

>!Only zoo can prevent florist fliers.!<

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatchRacall
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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Daughter: dad, can I ask you a question?

Dad: ... Did you just ask me a question without my permission?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zerio13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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I emailed my professor asking for a permission number for his class. He must be a dad

Professor:"MannuhT, here is your hairdo number: 212525. yay!"

MannuhT:"Haha, Thanks!"

Professor:"you understood, right? perm number."

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MannuhT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
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My Father asked permission to discipline us kids...

My Mom authorized him to use Dadly Force.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Necrotel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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NOT A JOKE - I Need Help with Dad Joke Research

Hello, I'm a student and I’m building something related to sharing jokes. As part of my project, I need to survey potential users of the product.

Can I have permission to ask for help with my homework here? (I wasn't sure if this would be breaking the rules)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thats2easy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I was a dad for less than 24 hours when I came up with this one

We had a little girl at 34 weeks. She was very fussy and the nurse called her a little diva.

I responded with, β€œMore like a preemie-Donna”

The wife groaned and rolled her eyes.

The nurse asked for permission to use that since we were in the NICU.

I made it, fellas.

Oh, and mom and baby are doing well!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked...

"Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"

Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am."

She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2016
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A vegan said to me: people who eat meat are disgusting

I replied: people who sell fruit and veg are grocer

(Borrowed indefinitely without permission from @pakalupapito)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RacismIsForBlacks
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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Text exchange with my 70-yo father. He’s still got it.

Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today πŸ˜‰πŸŽ„

Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲

Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.

Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son πŸ€“

Me: Oooof

Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there

Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?

Him: I wooden know about that

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idkflycasual
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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What do you get when you cross a Snowman with a Vampire

Frostbite

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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My wife tells me I can be an idiot sometimes.

I think it is nice of her to give me permission like that.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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My dad and I walked into Barnes and Noble today...

On the display there was a book called "The Smartest Guy in the Room." My dad turned to me and said "I should sue, I didn't give them permission to do a biography of me. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thunder_Cats_Hoe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
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Too soon, bad taste, couldn't help myself (4th of July Dad Joke)

We're talking about that poor guy who passed on after accidentally lighting fireworks attached to his head on the 4th.

My wife: "I mean, what do you even say that guy's funeral?"

Me: "Well, at least he went out with a bang."

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/camram07
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
🚨︎ report
100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • That’s all => Cat’s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Just got an eye roll from the 8-year-old neighbor kid with this one

NK: [as he stands up and starts walking out of the room] I'll be right back.

Me: I'll be left front.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roonerspize
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
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If you make your bed, you might as well sleep in it.

I was asking my parents' permission to go on vacation with my friends at our condo on the coast.

Mom says, "Sure that's fine! That means you get to sleep in the master bedroom for the first time!"

I respond, "Yeah, I probably won't though... I mean that's your bed so I don't think I'd really be... comfortable."

Dad says, "Well then you better not sleep on the kitchen table either!"

πŸ‘︎ 254
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ooklah_the_Punk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2013
🚨︎ report
At the gym on a date with a lawyer

We had finished squats and were moving on to the next exercise. I told her:

Your Honor, I request permission to approach the bench.

She didn't find it as funny as I did.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ogionthesilent
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
🚨︎ report
At a hotel for a wedding

I was at a hotel for my best friend's wedding. After the rehearsal dinner we were in the lounge drinking (with permission from the hotel staff) and I went to the bathroom.

The bathrooms on the lobby level were right next to the ice machine, and we'd heard from another guest they were really fancy. I get back and my friend asks me how they were.

I showed him this picture and said "they were pretty cool"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingcarpet23
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2015
🚨︎ report
First Impressions

So this was a few years back for me and I best give a bit of background info: I was in the beginning of a new relationship with a girl, in my late teens . We were both at the same bording school, so I had to ask permission from her parents and my parents if she'd be allowed to come visit for weekend and all that. Got all the permissions sorted out, and planned a dinner at a chinese place. My dad and step mum came along for the ride, along with my sister.

Now, my dad has a weakish bladder and went to the toilet upon entering the restaurant. Upon emptying his bladder, he announced to us "There was a penny in the toilet. Now there is Two Pee."

I groaned, my sister rolled her eyes and my step mum nearly killed him. My then girlfriend was just mortified (first time she'd met my dad).

At the end of the meal, my dad went to the toilet again. This time he came out with a 2p coin in a tissue, drying it. My then girlfriend was just looked at me as if to say "you're father is mental how are you sane."

I pointed out to my dad the flaw in his trick, stating he'd said it was a penny, not a 2p coin. I think my step mum hit him shortly after he dropped me off at my mum's...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Liquidbambam93
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2014
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I hate that microorganisms just enter my body without permission

It makes me sick

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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I cannot believe that bacteria would just come into my body without my permission. It makes me sick
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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I hate the way viruses just enter my body without permission

It makes me sick

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokeBorkLensar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
🚨︎ report

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