The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘︎ 384
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call state-sponsored cereal brands from Algeria?

Algerios

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y5K77G
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I filmed and screened an entire documentary series on terrorism.

But it bombed.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
It has recently been discovered that William Tell and his son belonged to a bowling league. But Swiss historians have not been able to determine the name of the league's sponsors.

We may never know for whom the Tells bowled.

πŸ‘︎ 442
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The clandestine copying and distribution of literature banned by the state can be proven simply by comparing copies side by side.

Because that bit there is samizdat bit there

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrob225
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
🚨︎ report
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...

Solid, liquid and gas

πŸ‘︎ 410
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brundonius
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
We need to add PR, DC, and Guam, as states.

53 is a prime number. Then we can truly be one nation, indivisible.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DubNationAssemble
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My buddy Ian is a strong proponent of state surveillance of citizens. I disagree and think it's a bad idea, so I said...

"Or, well, Ian..."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I heard that Marvel is now sponsoring Uncle Ben's rice and changing the picture to Peter Parker's uncle.

The new slogan is "With great power comes great rice possibilities."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jurassicbond
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
what kind of nap is illegal in 50 states and the district of columbia

kidnap

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twitchard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to the grocery store and asked for 3 pounds of potatoes. "We don't have pounds", the grocer stated, "only kilos".

Annoyed, I went, "fine. I'll take 3 pounds of kilos then".

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arr_jay816
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
If DC, Puerto Rico, and Guam became states, the US would be truly indivisible

Since 53 states is a prime number

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QualityProof
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Who has eight guns and terrorizes the ocean?

Billy the squid

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pandacoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a high-end clothing outlet sponsored by a Norwegian band, the undead, and a magical woman?

ABBA Zombie and Witch.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dgrubbnasty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
You would think that the state that is most popular for Casino's and lucrative businesses...

...would be better at counting

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantr1x
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m such a state! What will Della wear to the picnic? And who else will be there? What will we do?

I think Texas coming. What will Delaware? I don’t know, Alaska! Iowa thanks to you for bringing this up! Maybe we can play some Tennessee? Indiana just don’t think we’ll know what to expect. Like last time, we don’t know Michigan.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leehawkins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

πŸ‘︎ 823
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftHandedToe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I live in genuine terror of boiling an egg and cracking it open to find a dead, boiled chick inside

No yolk

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnoyingChef
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
If you are sad and angry, what American state are you from?

Illinois.

Edit: I meant sick, not sad. Whoops

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roksforbrains
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My son walked in and matter of factly stated, β€œDad, I’m thirsty”

Me(instantly): Is that a statement of fact or a request for something to drink?

(Oh how the sour look that he had been duped by a dad joke)

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aph603
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between the United States and United Kingdom

One word

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Had a yen to be creative this weekend...

so I crafted a large numeral in the back garden. I chopped, sawed, planed, sanded, and painted that number till it looked amazing. My neighbour looked over the fence and enviously stated β€œNice one!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnolife
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. β€œBartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, β€œthere is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, β€œNo no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, β€œRuff!” The man carries on the bit, β€œSee bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, β€œNow boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” β€œWell here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” β€œRuff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, β€œI won’t ask again sir.” β€œI have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” β€œRuff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, β€œsorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, β€œmaybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DorkeyTree
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
[Pun request] Need a List of Cat Puns For US Cities and States

So far for States I have: Catifornia North and South Catolina Oklahomeow Oregato Furorida Mew York, Jersey, Hampshire, Mexico Connectikitty ​

For cities I have: Mew York Kitty Felinedelphia San Digato Mewmphis Chigato San Furanciso Indianapawlis Clawmbus​

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/namtag24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/christianleft
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report
I once hiked to a lake with the states of Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New York on its western, southern, and eastern shores. Not a bird was singing and the lake was still...

It was Erie.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A geography teaches picks two students, one an exchange student from Japan and the other a native, to answer a question about state capitals. β€œWhat is the capital of Ohio?”, the teacher asks.

The native student answers β€œCleveland”, much to the teacher’s chagrin. The Exchange student on the other hand, answers β€œIt’s a bit late, but Gozaimasu!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmingVisionary
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.

I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Today is PI day, which always makes me hungry for pie

Now a slice of pie in the United States will set you back $5

But in the Bahamas and Aruba you can buy that same slice of pie for just $1

Yep. Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Clown and state capitals

A clown was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly said, β€œGo ahead, ask me, I know all of them.”

A friend said, β€œOK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?”

The clown replied, β€œOh, that’s easy: W.”

(source: http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/clown-and-state-capitals/)

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?

Black Friday

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justainsel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
If the United States annexed all of Canada and multiplied it’s area by two, what would you get?

WSA

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shortordercook
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Got talking to a very cool old man. After finding out he was from England, a World War Two vet and has spent the last thirty two years in the states I had to ask..

Me: so what brought you to the states?

Him: An airplane.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skip_Ransom
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
🚨︎ report
We were driving across state over the holidays and my 4 year old tells us she has to pee. We just happened to be almost to an exit with several gas stations to take her. I proudly proclaimed β€˜Urine luck! There are plenty of places to go at this exit!’ Sadly, I only got an eye roll from my wife.
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Beergelden
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blurose262
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
We Need to Add PR, DC, and Guam as states.

53 is a Prime Number.

We then would truly be one nation, indivisible

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report

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