Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.

But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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(From one of my 1st grade students): What did the pineapples say after they kissed?

Ow.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AReallyCleverMonkey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2021
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One of the seven dwarves kissed a giraffe yesterday.

Apparently the other six put him up to it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/labink
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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A nefarious scam is going on

Over the last couple of month I have become a victim to cleaver thieves while out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car and offer you help unloading your bag. They both start bouncing around, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another store. If you agree, they both want to get in the back seat.

On the way to the next store, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. When you pull over to safely correct their actions, one of them climbs into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on February 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th, March 1st and twice yesterday. Please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 5:30 in the evening. If you happen to get caught in this scam, be aware that you can get replacement wallets at the Dollar Store, but both west side Walmarts are completely out.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GrilledSpamSteaks
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2022
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him โ€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.โ€ He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining โ€œjingle bellsโ€ in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. โ€œRudolphโ€ โ€œFrosty the Snowmanโ€ โ€œDrummer Boyโ€ even โ€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clausโ€ in the best impersonations heโ€™s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. โ€œ No no honey this works watchโ€ he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. โ€œNO honey it really works watch!โ€ โ€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmasโ€ says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. โ€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!โ€ He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out โ€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIREโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hipphazy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didnโ€™t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didnโ€™t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "Iโ€™m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said โ€œMike, come over, nobody's home.โ€ So I went to her house and she was right, there wasnโ€™t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CCisme5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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My Girlfriend is the best...

She has beautiful long black hair, flowing half way down her back...

Not on her head but half way down her back.

Her teeth are so even!

1, 3, 5, and 7 are missing.

At night I would take her into the corn field and kiss her between the ears...

One night it was extremely foggy outside and I mist.

Basically, you could tell she was a farmers daughter because it was hard to "a tractor"

Sometimes I call her (knob) because she is one to adore.

Even wrote her a song entitled "How can I love you if you never go away"

The best...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Wicked-Spade
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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Asteroid puns?

I'm a teacher with a group of students doing a science challenge about designing a launcher on an asteroid. A lot of them want to enter the competition with asteroid puns. One group has the name "Kiss my Asteroid." Am open to other suggestions! Thanks!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/puck_u
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2013
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My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites.
  • What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

  • If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

  • Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

  • I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

  • Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

  • I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

  • Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

  • I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

  • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

  • I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

  • Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

  • Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

  • Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

  • When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

  • I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

  • Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

  • Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

  • I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

  • Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

  • Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

  • Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

  • Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

  • I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

  • So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

  • When you get an infection, urine trouble.

  • "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

  • How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

  • Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

  • Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

  • What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 268
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WhenIm6TFour
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnโ€™t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? โ€œMy Fare, Ladyโ€.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physicianโ€™s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


โ€œWhatโ€™s purple and 5000 miles long?โ€ โ€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!โ€


Every calendarโ€™s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. โ€œFour bucks,โ€ says the bartender. โ€œPut it on my bill.โ€


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heโ€™s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle canโ€™t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Two men on a bus back from Disney World

Two men on a bus back from Disney World saw signs for the nearby town of Kissimmee. They debated whether it is pronounced KISSimmee or kissIMMee. Things got heated so they agreed to ask the cashier when they stopped for lunch.

After approaching the cashier, one man asks, โ€œCould you please very slowly and clearly tell us where we are?โ€

The cashier looks at him and says โ€œBuuurrrgggerr Kiiiinggghh.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thegeneral400
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 41
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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A lifting experience

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said โ€œLetโ€™s take this upstairsโ€

โ€œOkโ€ I said โ€œ You grab one end and Iโ€™ll grab the otherโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hughdman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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My GF got intestine infection..

GF: "You forgot I am ill."

Me: "Oh I thought your stomach pain is gone, or else you would have mentioned it."

GF: "Yeah so I thought, but I went to see the doctor anyway."

Me: "What did the he say?"

GF: "He said I have intestine infection."

Me: "Ohhh so your gut feeling is all messed up now, isn't it?"..

After a moment of silence, she burst out laughing. And said goodnight with a kiss.

I am going to marry this one.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/grrrwoofwoof
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 01 2014
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I swear she's attracted to arachnids

I spider kissing one

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FaTb0i8u
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
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My 3-year-old got me good this morning.

He was going in to give his baby sister a kiss, but they've both been sick lately, so I said "Just on the forehead, buddy," to which he responded, "No, one head."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pretzelzetzel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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There, you're fucked!

So my dad told this joke around the campfire to my friends and I one night in high school when he was very belligerent:

So there's this girl with no arms and no legs sitting on the beach, crying her eyes out. A man walks up to her and asks, "Ma'am, why are you crying?"

The women replies, "I've never been kissed before."

The man decides to give her a kiss to stop her from crying and sure enough, she cheers up and stops crying.

The next day, the same woman with no arms and no legs is crying once again on the beach all by herself. The same man goes up to her and asks again, "Ma'am, why are you crying?"

The woman replies, "I've never been fucked before."

The man picks her up, throws her into the water and says, "There, you're fucked!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stowsta
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
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Up until last year I fell for this EVERY TIME. (Im 24)

This might not be a good one but.. (Over the phone) Dad- hey,what did you what did you do with that chair? Me - what chair.. Dad - the chair you stood on to kiss that donkey's ass.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BloodyWanka
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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