On the Ride Puns

It was an emotional rollercoaster.

Ok bomber.

But, why was I the only one wearing a dress?

Ki-whee!

It started out well but then things went downhill pretty fast.

Pretty sure it's carpool tunnel syndrome

After all, fare is fowl.

Ooh brr.

(I literally made this joke up tonight and I'm a Dad)

Just so you know, he’s Carlos.

It was a rollercoaster of emoticons.

So that's a releif.

He said “I haven’t seen you get out of the saddle once in the last 30 miles, are you hatching an egg down there or something?” And I said “You know, if you keep giving me crap about this, I won’t stand for it!”

The guy was just coming out of the garage (which has three doors) And says, "No it's a three door".

I replied, you won't get very far in the garage

Her - We just left Salisbury. Me - How was the steak? H - You're funny. M - I know.

Whee!

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

It was a good buy yellow Brick rode.

Curse the day I taught my dog how to ride a bike!

She calls it her Minstrel Cycle.

I said, "No, but that explains why the screen stinks."

Goes up to the bar and says “gimme a bucket of martinis!”
Barkeep says “whoa partner how about we start you on one and see how we do?” Cowboy says “oh it ain’t fer me. It’s for my horse. We’ve had a long ride and he’s a good horse and my friend and he likes a good martini now and then” Barkeep says “ok, but I gotta see this!” He gets a 5 gallon bucket and fills it with ice and gin and dozens of olives.
They go out to the horse and set it down. Sure he puts his head down and sure does enjoy it! Barkeep says “well I’ll be damned!!! Come on inside cowboy and I will get you one on the house!”

Cowboy says “oh! Not for me thanks, I’m driving!”

He did it on porpoise.

A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."

The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive you to Chicago. I'll take you to LaGuardia, you can get on a plane."

The man says, "No, I can't do that, I've got a debilitating fear of heights, I can't fly. Can you drive me to the Palmer House?"

The cabbie says, "No, you can get out, walk a few blocks west, get on a train at Penn Station."

The man says, "That won't work, either. I got a conference at the Palmer House I got to get to by tomorrow morning. I need a cab."

The cabbie says, "Look, do you know how expensive a cab ride from New York to Chicago's gonna be?"

The man opens his wallet, offers the cabbie ten $100 bills, and says, "I'll give you the rest when you get me there."

The cabbie considers it, takes the money, and begins the trip.

He drives out of Manhattan, west down 33rd St. until he merges onto the Lincoln Tunnel ramp, then through the Lincoln Tunnel and into New Jersey, then through New Jersey until he merges onto the Pennsylvania Turnpike, then through Pennsylvania until he merges onto the Ohio Turnpike, then through Ohio until he merges onto the Indiana Turnpike, then through Indiana until, finally, he merges onto the Chicago Skyway Bridge.

(He stopped for gas a couple of times.)

But from the Skyway in Chicago it's a short trip to the Palmer House: he exits the interstate at Stony Island Ave. and takes it north to 57th St., where he turns right to merge onto Jean Baptiste Point du Sable Lake Shore Dr. He drives north up to Roosevelt Rd., then cuts over to Michigan Ave., takes it up to Ida B. Wells Dr., and then cuts over to Wabash Ave. He starts to take a right so he can drive north up Wabash to the Palmer House, then stops, realizes Wabash is a southbound one-way street, curses, and continues straight onto Dearborn St.

He turns right on Dearborn and takes it up to Monroe St., then cuts over once more to Wabash Ave., takes a right onto Wabash and drives one block south until, finally, he arrives at the Palmer House Hilton Hotel in Chicago.

The man pays the cabbie the rest of the fare (about $1950, but the man rounds it up to $2.5 grand with tip), thanks him, and sprints into the hotel just in time for his conference.

And, wouldn't you know it, as soon as the man is out of the cab, a woman sees the New York c

... they said just this once, they would let it slide

"Mow money, mow money, mow money."

What did the snail say as he was riding on the turtle’s back? Wheeeee!

He was sailing on the seven C’s

Attire

I'm training for this ahead of time.

Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.

Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.

Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.

Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

Edit #5: I'm about to start training.

It's our hey-ride.

He had multiple tractors on his farm, tractor posters on his walls, watched documentaries about tractors, in short, his house was full of tractor paraphernalia.

One day, the Bob's wife, Mary was taking a stroll out in the fields, just where he happened to be riding one of his tractors. Bob was gunning it up and down the fields, having a blast. But then he started driving in the direction of his wife. Despite her screams, Bob couldnt hear Mary over the loud engine of his tractor, and ended up unfortunately running her over.

After this, Bob felt guilty about killing his wife. He sold all of his tractors, he took down all of his posters, and threw away all of his tractor merch. He sold his farm and bought a new house in the suburbs to further distance himself from tractors.

After a few years, Bob felt it was time to start dating again, so he started going to his local coffee shop, hoping to find a new girlfriend. Bob was pleased to find the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, so he introduced himself, and they really hit it off. They started going on dates and got to know each other better.

After a few years of dating, Bob felt it was time to propose, so he prepared a beautiful date in the fanciest restaurant in the city. They had a lovely dinner and before they ordered dessert, he decided it was time to propose. But as Bob got the ring box out of his pocket he dropped it, and bending over to pick it up, he knocked his head on the table, knocking a candle over. The candle set fire to the tablecloth and quickly spread to the carpet.

A waiter quickly came up and poured a big jug of water onto the fire in order to put it out, but this caused a plume of smoke to come up, filling the restaurant. Everyone was choking and coughing, so Bob takes a deep breath, sucking in all of the smoke, and runs out of the restaurant. He pokes his head out the door and breathes out, all of the smoke flying away outside. His date is amazed and asked "Wow! how did you do that?"

Bob laughed and said "It's quite simple, I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan"

I went on a car ride with my family not that long ago and my 8 year old sister saw a fridge in the woods next to us. She said, 'whats that fridge doing there?' and I went, without thinking, 'it's bear chills.'

Needless to say, I'm the favourite child.

1. If you're out in the desert on a horse with no name, you probably have the time to come up with a name for it.

2. Maybe it's the rider who has no name (and a poor sense of where to locate a subordinate clause): "I, with no name, have been through the desert on a horse."

3. Or maybe it was the desert that had no name?

4. What if "No-Name" was some friend who was riding with him?

5. It's also possible that what he means is that maybe the horse has a name (say, Charley the Horse) but that the horse isn't FAMOUS. He's just ol' Charley the horse, not Secretariat or Trigger or one of those A-list horses with a NAME. This possibility is the saddest, though. Imagine you're the horse, out there in the frickin' DESERT, and some schmoe is making you carry his ass around--and not even for any good reason, right, he's not actually going anywhere, he's totally just taking advantage of your good nature--and all he can do is go on and on about what a nobody of a horse you are.

6. Even if his name really was Charley, if that were to happen now, everyone on the Internet would start calling that poor horse "Horsey McHorseface."

...to keep toys in for her kids to play with on long car rides.

I said, "Is it a big bin or a small one?"

"It's small, just fits between the middle row of seats. Turn around, you can see it's right there--"

"So you're saying you have a very small car bin footprint?"

Fortunately, she didn't make me walk the rest of the way.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Bonus dad points the longer you draw it out with your arms in the air and/or in a public place)

As recent post mentioned Sir Cumference of the Round Table. Here are a few more:

Sir Pentine - twisty

Sir Cumnavigate - sailed around world

Sir Cumcised - Jewish

Sir Cuit - electrician - not tall - also known (behind his back) as "short Sir Cuit"

Sir Face - the top of

Sir Ly - rude

Sir Osis - heavy drinker

Sir Loin - steak

Sire En - rides on emergency vehicles

Sir Up - pancakes

Sir Prise - unexpected

Sir Render - quitter

Sir Pent - snake

Sir Cus - clown

Sir Cumvent - finds ways around

Sir Cumscribed - hung about around the outside

Sir Plus - the extra one

Townsfolk see this and comment how horrible it is that the old man with mobility issues walks while the younger boy rides it.

Hearing this the two switch places but other townsfolk say how terrible it is to see the young boy having to walk.

The two thus decide to both ride on the donkey and other townsfolk say how cruel it is to put such a burden on the donkey by having both ride it.

So the two decide to carry the donkey. As they cross a bridge, however, they lose their grip on the donkey and it falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story: If you're goal is to please everyone, you can kiss your ass goodbye.

A metro-gnome.

Wheeeeeeeee!

WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!