Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
Remember when air was free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. You know why?
After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, “now my package isn’t coming for another 5 days!”
I replied, now you know how I feel.
You may not like Minecraft now...
But when the movie comes out, I assure you, it’s gonna be a blockbuster.
Credit: u/Iziahzay
Compressed air at gas stations used to be FREE, but now you have to pay $2!
So I had this conversation with a friend just now
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
I shall see myself out now
I poured root beer in a square glass, now I have only beer
Mom, now you're putting words into my mouth
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but it’s ok now.
It's cloudy all over just now.
I would h8-2 be a Barcelona fan right now
Now is definitely not the right time to start surrounding yourself with positive people.
We may not be able to seat you inside just now but we can supply some terrible puns.
Then I saw her face, now I'm
Now that's what I'm talkin bout
Since this is a “Nana” tree (common name for Juniperus Procumens Green Mountain Juniper bonsai), it was suggested I have a “ba”. Therefore, since the stock ticker for Boeing is BA, I bought a toy 787. That means there is now a “banana” on the counter.
Hey guys, my name’s Chad. I’ve been sober for 47 days now.
Not in a row or anything. Just... total.
A little punny poem about love. We all need more love right now :)
The school made the use of "bullet points" illegal because it incited violence in the classroom, and I must admit I couldn't have cared less. That's all changed now, though.
The bus driver isn't allowed to drive my kids anymore because we live on a dead end street.
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
You can now watch the World Origami Championship on tv since all these other sports are being cancelled.
I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting really annoyed
It keeps asking me, ‘Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says ‘Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.
My phone battery is 69% right now
Am I accepted into med school now?
I was going to a fencing tournament with my teammates. In our hotel the night before, while unpacking, one of my teammates hit her head on a lamp. Rushing over I asked her if she was ok, or if she was feeling light-headed.
(Don't worry, she was perfectly ok)
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."
The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.
"There's no way you're bilingual."
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
I've been Internet hacking for almost thirty years, and now I want to give it up.
Can someone point me to an Anonymous Anonymous group?
Jeez, I went to Sweden because my wife wanted to but I didn't want to but now they closed their boarders and now that we went around the place and, I kinda like it
I guess I have Stockholm syndrome.
A baby born now, in 2033, will be a...
Quaran-teen
Source: My local mechanic, bless his heart
http://imgur.com/gallery/XYWedTN
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
Back in the old days only the rich could afford automobiles while the common people had horses. Now only the richest have horses while almost everyone has an automobile.
My how the stables have turned.
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....
The communists have been talking about their revolution for over a hundred years now...
I’m starting to think they’re Stalin
I’ll tell you a corona virus joke now...
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
Students can now enroll in weed-growing classes.
I kicked my lad out because he told me he now identifies as a cow
My wife and I are having movie nights at home now, and making our own popcorn and drinks.
It's not easy, but these days we all have to make concessions.
What do you call a former FBI agent who now works delivering packages?
Did you get it? How about now?
Now to find the right book store
My best friend growing up is a famous author of marine life books now.
He's mostly known for his polyp fiction.
I’m really into stitching food puns now! 😝🍕☺️
Now is the best time to buy a pet bird.
I hear they are going cheep.
With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.
He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."
Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."
Niagara sounds like the antonym of viagra. Now you know why it falls.
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
I was bald and hated having hair, but now that I have it, that's ok.
I haven't heard from my italian friend for a while now
I'm starting to think he pasta away
In addition to Taiwan, the US has also sold torpedoes to Vietnam. Rather than pay money, they traded with a huge bulk of food. The weapons are now called ...
Pho Ton Torpedoes.
(A consequence of reading a front page post about the sale to Taiwan while watching ST:TNG.)
Did you hear what they are going to call the generation of kids born 9 months from now?
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
Now where do I go from here?
I made a cabbage, carrot and corn stir-fry tonight! The recipe called for tilipia, but I put in pork. I realize now that I should have put in chicken, though...
...it's supposed to be a C-food stir-fry.
Apparently 'Viagra' is now available in powder form specially for tea. Well, it's not for enhancing your sexual libido................
.............. But it won't let your dipped biscuit 'Go Soft'
I made a small house with a cardboard box for the group of 10 ants running around in my room. Technically, I am now their landlord and they are my...
Plant-based meats are very popular now, but this didn't go well for vampires.
Thousands have died from a wooden steak.
Ya know everyone seems to hate the U.S right now, but I honestly think it’s pretty
We went to the pet store, and now my son wants a porcupine with no quills.
I said, “That’s .....completely pointless.”
Now they call me broker!
Earlier i only used to be broke...
We were watching the movie Gladiator and then saw picctures of the hero now...
Now he is a "glad he ate"er..
[Request] Right now we're all drinking Quarantinis. What will we drink when we get back together?
But that’s not important right now
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Well we are closed now but the boards still come.
A photo of a young Walken, cooler? Some would say he’s cooler now.
My first username was Footloose. Then I changed it to Im_Alright, and now it's Danger_Zone
But enough about my Kenny Logins.
At first glance, you may say this is a cantaloupe. I’m here to tell you right now that it’s a......”water” melon
Thanks to Corona this store is now ...
What do you call potatoes you can’t eat right now?
I had a joke about grocery stores but now is not the right time to tell it
I think aisle tell it later
Bird flew into the window today. No fowl play suspected as of now.
My friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. Now we call him Dr Awkward.
Skidaddle skidoodle your pear has now...
I heard that Marvel is now sponsoring Uncle Ben's rice and changing the picture to Peter Parker's uncle.
The new slogan is "With great power comes great rice possibilities."
Of course, you can't visit it just now.
McDonald's now has outdoor seating again
Just wanted to give you that little nugget
I was wrestling with my 7 yr old just now and introduced him to "stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself."
I feel that i have passed the tradition down yet another generation. Im going to live forever!
Cut the potatoes into penis shapes and fill your boat with them. Now you are the captain of a ...
I used to hate the lockdown in the beginning, but now that I have a full fridge, I am ok with it.
Scientists are calling it the Stock Home syndrome.
I try to take my mermaid friends out of Atlantis every now and then to explore the coral reefs, wreckages and collect some shells, but they hesitate to do so...
I think they're a bit shellf conchess
People are batshit crazy right now.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
I listened to Queen albums for 12 hours in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. Now it's syncing.
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