When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What did the mother melon say to her daughter when she wanted to run away to get married?
I apologise if this isn't allowed.
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
The cannibal said to his mother, "I don't like my vegetables."
Mother says, "well, just eat your wife."
Dear Mother in law,
Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My mother's zodiac was Cancer, which is ironic
because she died from a giant crab.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is
What did the British guy tell his Indian mother when he was going to leave?
What does your mother's sister eat when she's mad?
What did the psychic say to her mother at the shady auto dealership?
What do you call a father or a mother who's kid looks a lot like them ?
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
What did the Indian say to his mother after leaving Bombay?
My children got their good looks from their mother.
How do one-armed mothers raise their kids?
What do you call a midgets mother?
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
The show "How I Met Your Mother" was just
How does a nurse greet a mother about to give birth?
Labor & delivery at your cervix!
A mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he could behave..
“Why do I always have to pay you to be good”
Why can’t you be a good for nothing like your dad
My mother will not stop complaining about her stairlift.
She tells me the thing is driving her up the wall.
A little girl turns to her mother and asks, "What is that rasta man cooking behind us?"
The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"
I met my wife at a singles bar...
Which was really strange, since I'd thought that I had left her at home looking after the kids.
Nate's mother asked him to delay the marriage by an year...
she wanted his fiance to mari_nate.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says we don't serve food here
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
When people ask about my heritage, I tell them there is an unfortunate side effect of my mother being Italian and my father being Polish ....
I’ll make you an offer I can’t understand.
My mother is a gangster
She doesn't say "I'm going to mend your trousers", she says "britches get stitches".
What is a baby deer’s favorite cheese dip to make with his mother?
A friend of mine decided to become a surrogate mother.
She said she had womb to spare.
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
The wife's mother was taken ill...
So I swiftly rushed off to find a pen and paper to write for an ambulance.
My mother called the cops on me because she heard I was dealing coke in the neighborhood
I tried to tell her multiple times that I was working for Pepsi, but she just wouldn't listen.
Why is it my mother tongue and not my father tongue?
Because my mom doesn't allow my dad to say anything
A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, I’ll be right there, let me just...
What are you if you smoke marijuana and masturbate at the same time?
My wife's mother is a lawyer.
Your mother couldn’t believe that an actual skunk could predict the future.
But it was a real fortune smeller.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problems with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about eating the mother of two.
But upon further consideration he was gladiator.
Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece
I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.
My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."
Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
My mother’s leg was amputated 2 years ago. I wrote this punderful post to make her smile. It was more than successful and also impressed her doctor.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
It turns out that identity theft is a crime.
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