What did the French monarchy do to bad pens?

They decapitated them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit_test_team
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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Mary Queen of Scots. My favorite one, but She was found guilty of high treason and the Head of the Monarchy was then..

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,

β€œthank you for your cervix.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rusto_Dusto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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Found one of our own
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIronPumpkin
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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I saw a pack of gummy worms that said β€œNo artificial flavor.”

Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pllarsen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Telusion
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hawkeye45_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GetNaeNaed06
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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The cast of β€œFriends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.

Because Lisa Kudrow.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_patataa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?

A hummingbird.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koNekterr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray

The man asks "is this good for wasps?"

The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonDoorknob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BowelMovementator
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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My girlfriend is a square root of -100

Perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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A friend of mine is quite well known for sweeping girls off their feet.

He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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Hard to keep Track of stuff
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman...

But I won’t letter!

πŸ‘︎ 384
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?

Mentos

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

πŸ‘︎ 336
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A fizzician

πŸ‘︎ 316
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrusaderTbone
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...

It's night.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aptom_4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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What kind of people never get angry?

Nomads

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleroksr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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What did the farmer say when all of his haystacks were stolen?

This is the last straw.

πŸ‘︎ 644
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jillyjoyohoho
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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Never thought of it like that haha
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nis_sama
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
saw a girl with a tattoo of a tree on her breast, seems like it would be painful...

wooden tit?

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaaaasowenyaaa
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
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From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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I got assaulted by a group of mimes.

It was horrific. They did unspeakable things.

πŸ‘︎ 492
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
3 unwritten rules of life
πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marinmarge
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Only works when spoken instead of typed out
πŸ‘︎ 817
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mathucub
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Friend of mine asked why I took a side job at the bakery

I told him I don’t knead the dough, but I do get a rise out of it

πŸ‘︎ 667
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πŸ‘€︎ u/troutslayer12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the smelliest kind of ox?

A buttocks.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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It’s kind of sad that Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

πŸ‘︎ 498
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?

That's what I do when I'm Russian

πŸ‘︎ 343
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rysefin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..

..do you just get exhausted ?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
BEE-ware of the WASP
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nis_sama
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.

It was the hardest dump I ever took

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is six afraid of seven?

7 was a well known 6 offender

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HisokaLaMagician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife always make a big deal out of her periods .

I'd say she is ovary-acting .

πŸ‘︎ 355
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supreme__shrek
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
In honor of former president Donald J. Trump

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 29k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Handleton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling β€œI stepped on a Bee!”

I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...

Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.

Apparently I had dropped one...

Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....

A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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Some people were arguing about the most important part of a kitchen.

"The sink is the most important! It's where you get water for cooking, wash your hands, clean fruits and vegetables, and clean the dishes up afterwards."

But another person said,

"The countertop is even more important. It's where the food is prepared. And if the counter weren't there, you wouldn't have a sink at all!"

The first person was shocked. They weren't expecting a counterargument.

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TabCompletion
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! πŸ‘Œ

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lady_emily_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jvlpdillon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Three unwritten rules of life.
πŸ‘︎ 295
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hi_fiv
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report

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