Shamelessly stolen from mock the week

Look said Harry: "Wittgenstein's having a spliff - the philosopher's stoned!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bootcamptim
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I decided not to buy a baguette after seeing a pathetic mock up of it in the bakery window.

It was a terrible roll model.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rc538
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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What's it called when a oinkkle of pigs mock each other?

Pork Roast

Edit : Drift, not Oinkkle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hentaisianbloke
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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"My dad asked me to mock up his new "rocking" chair idea." (x-post from /r/gifs)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnluckyLuke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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I always wanted to try mock duck,

but I am afraid of being teased.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tift
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2016
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My whole family mocked me when my French bakery went bankrupt

How dare they laugh at my pain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PygmeePony
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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I found it completely inappropriate that the priest was making fun of me during my confession...

...I should have known, since he was wearing Mock-a-sins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.

That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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A salutary lesson. Posted to r/jokes, probably more Dad-like

Certain related tribes in sub-Saharan Africa often raided each other's villages when most folk were herding animals. Sometimes they would take vegetables and water, but more often taking little things, to gently mock each other. It was all in good fun. After a successful raid, the "winning" tribe would celebrate by dancing under the stars, or in one of their large, grass-covered spirit houses.

One day, the Imaqi took their Satari shaman's sceptre. The following day, the Satari not only stole the sceptre back, but also the Imaqi chief's regalia.

It went back and forth, until, on a rare and daring escapade, three Imaqi warriors stole the Santari chief's throne. They put it on display, above their chief's throne in the spirit house.

The Imaqi thought that this was hilarious, and as it was beginning to rain, made merry and danced in the spirit house. Suddenly, the heavy throne on display fell down and killed a number of the dancing revelers.

The moral should be obvious: those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_jq
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.

I was in diss-gust.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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A Harper Lee novel on trial refused to open up about their case case, but was still judged by it's cover.

Moral of the story... Don't kill animals.

Edit: remove one case

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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Stock on
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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My wife to our son, "Go brush your teeth with your sister"

Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Soter_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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Mocking birds are terrible at social media...

All they ever do is retweet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pixel_juice
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2017
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For years people have mocked how easily I get cold.

Well, now the gloves are off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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What did the 1 say when the 0 was mocking him?

"Stop boolean me!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neb55555
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
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Case closed.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
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How do you make a Pirate angry?

Take the 'P' out of him…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2017
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my 7YO hit me with this one this morning

7YO: Knock knock!
Me: Who's there*?*
7YO: Europe
Me: Europe who?
7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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What book do Mexican students read in English class?

Tequila mocking bird

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperPen312
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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What is the most common exclamation in India?

Holy cow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Edward_Williams
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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Had to share this absolute bomb my husband dropped earlier.

Our 11 year old is attending a debate camp and at the dinner table she was telling us about her day. We decided she would have a mock debate against my husband the following day so she could show us a bit of what she's learned. We talk about possible topics and we land on "Should school officials or other adults be allowed to ban certain books from school." We talk a little more on the topic of banned books and my husband perks up and says "I think banned books should be allowed because without them, there would be no music." Then he gets this massive grin and my daughter and I are so confused.. it takes a moment for us to realize he's talking about BAND books .. there would be no music .. I had to give it to him, that was heavenly. Our daughters eyes rolled out of her head but we were all laughing. Great job, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jennyy1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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Went bobslaying the other day

Killed 200 bobs.

Credit to a commedian on mock the week, I think it was Gary Delane but I can't be sure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharliePlagueis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. β€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothingβ€”just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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"See you shortly"

"Stop calling me shortly!" he shouted back.

It was the mock anger that took me by surprise...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0lo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2015
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My brother kept annoying me and quoting things i said. He got faster and faster.

Soon he reached mock 3.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/century1goomba
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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What's a bartenders favorite book?

Tequila mocking bird

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2016
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Dad joked my wife after Medieval Times

The other night, my wife and I went to this corporate outing at Medieval Times with work. For those who don't know, it's a pretend jousting tournament with a bunch of food and no silverware unless you ask for it. The Knights also ride around on horseback and try to keep everyone involved and have a good time.

So one of the things they do, is give a 'favor' to to people in the audience. Typically, pretty ladies and little girls. My wife got such a favor (carnation). Gave her some mock jealousy, and our evening continued.

So on and our way home, I asked:

"So, how was your night? "

" It was pretty good. "

" Good. How about your evening? "

She's still glaring at me, three days later.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigbossodin
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2014
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Is Michael Giacchino the greatest Star Trek Dad Joker in the world?

He must have it in his Genes.

But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.

Star Trek

  1. Star Trek

  2. Nailin' The Kelvin

  3. Labor Of Love

  4. Hella Bar Talk

  5. Enterprising Young Men

  6. Nero Sighted

  7. Nice To Meld You

  8. Run And Shoot Offense

  9. Does It Still McFly?

  10. Nero Death Experience

  11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns

  12. Back From Black

  13. That New Car Smell

  14. To Boldly Go

  15. End Credits

Star Trek Into Darkness

  1. Logos / Pranking The Natives

  2. Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps

  3. Sub Prime Directive

  4. London Calling

  5. Meld-Merized

  6. The Kronos Wartet

  7. Brigadoom

  8. Ship To Ship

  9. Earthbound And Down

  10. Warp Core Values

  11. Buying The Space Farm

  12. The San Fran Hustle

  13. Kirk Enterprises

  14. Star Trek Main Theme

Star Trek Beyond

  1. Logo and Prosper

  2. Thank Your Lucky Star Date

  3. Night on the Yorktown

  4. The Dance of the Nebula

  5. A Swarm Reception

  6. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

  7. Jaylah Damage

  8. In Artifacts as in Life

  9. Franklin, My Dear

  10. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

  11. MotorCycles of Relief

  12. Mocking Jaylah

  13. Crash Decisions

  14. Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free

  15. Shutdown Happens

  16. Cater-Krall in Zero G

  17. Par-tay for the Course

  18. Star Trek Main Theme

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegeneral400
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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A short exchange at the liquor store

So, I'm at the counter in a liquor store, where I see that the cashier is wearing a mock Sons of Anarchy shirt that says, "Sloths of Anarchy" and has a sloth as the logo. As he's ringing me up, I'm trying to think of the perfect way to compliment his shirt. AHA! THIS WILL BE PERFECT

He hands me my receipt and I say, "Hey man, I like the shirt" falling for my trap he replies, "Oh thanks dude, do you watch the show?" My genius reply:

"Yeah I did, but it was kinda slow"

He doesn't even notice and continues to ask if I watched the whole thing. Maybe the world isn't ready for my dad jokes.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
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A groan-worthy man(i)

Context: I just painted my nails, and I wasn't pleased with the outcome.

Me: Well, I had already written off this mani anyway... Sigh, yes, I just said mani.

His response: Well, it would be pretty pedi of me to mock you for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lochnessie15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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Girlfriend got me with this one

We were having a mock argument and I said something about using the "wookie defense" to win.

She looked at me and said "Yeah, well it isn't wookie'n"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soulfly37
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2016
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Good one by my friend.

We were having breakfast yesterday and he was mindlessly eating this grape jelly packet. In a joking/mocking way I asked him how his jelly was, until he replied "its pretty grape".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linxmau09
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
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A dad joke of flooding proportions.

Me and my brother (looking after his son) having a conversation after I got back from a short holiday.

Me: I can't get into my house at the moment...

Brother: Why not?

Me: Turns out it flooded while I was away, hot water pipes burst...

Brother: That must have dampened the mood!

Brother proceeds to move his sons mouth into a mock laughing motion as he chuckles to himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TatManTat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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I'm not convinced that my programming professor is not a dad.

Student: Do you have a mock exam [to use for practice]?

Professor: No. but if it does show up, feel free to laugh at it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Will_Matt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
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My mom dropped this one on me as we were driving.

We were driving somewhere, and suddenly Mom says, mock seriously, "You know what you're supposed to do when you see a goose in the road?"

Me: "Slow down?"

Mom: "Honk."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Penultimately
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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My wife and I told my dad we watched the most recent Hunger Games

"Did Jay get mad?"

"What dad?"

"Most people don't like being mocked so I wonder if Jay got mad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnFoxpoint
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
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Whenever I wear leggings,

my dad mocks me by saying, "I loves my new stretch pants. But when I farts, I blows my tennis shoes off."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/netfilx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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The punchline is key

A few weeks ago I stayed at my dad's house. In the morning I found I had forgotten my keys and therefore had locked myself in. Because I didn't want to get told off/mocked by my dad, I phoned my brother's girlfriend to go to my brother at his work, retrieve the key from him and bring it back to dad's house to let me out. The following week my brother (the traitor) told my dad about this escapade and dad phoned me to mock me and tell me that not only was there a spare key in the house already, dad just happened to be driving past the house when I left anyway so could've let me out himself...

These are some of the key-related puns since then.

> me: dad, I didn't get the job in [city]

> dad: don't worry, it wasn't a key position.

Today in the restaurant we ate at: oh look! They do KEY lime pie!

Dude turns his head to look at me as dad and I walk down the road together: oooh! He looked keen. Geddit? Keen? KEY-n

> me: okay dad, you can stop with the key jokes now.

> dad makes the motion of sealing his lips and locking them with a key, immediately bursting into fits of giggles before he says: nah I think this joke has many more possibilities to unlock. more laughter

So many groans...

Ninja edit: something went funny with the submit page...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NejKidd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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My dad would be proud

I was out getting food with my mock trial team and we went to a place called Jones Bros which was a cupcake and coffeeshop. I got a coffee called the "Nirvana Carmel Latte". After I sat down, my friend asked me how it tasted. I said "It tastes like teen spirit".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alphafox823
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
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Just dad-joked my boss, and I'm pretty darned proud of myself.

We have the old-rock radio station playing in our office and I was mockingly humming along to the tunes of one of the songs.

Then my supervisor says, "Oh I know you are not making fun of Def Leppard."

"It's not like they would be able to hear me if I was." I replied.

No one laughed, but the manager walked out of his office to say, "Come on guys, you have to admit that one was good."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harasoluka
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
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