Missing 9 Puns

Apparently he was last seen applying a cream that made him 10 years younger

The local congregation held a pirate-themed fundraising dinner, my parents attended, this picture ensued. I missed the pun out of the gates - how long will it take /r/dadjokes?

(spacing for mobile users)

http://imgur.com/1UsHwvH

May the best dadjoker win! Groan-inducing hint to arrive in 1hr.

Edit: looks like I have a lot to learn... Goodnight reddit.

You don’t know what you’re missing

it has a bit of veneer missing.

So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:

At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit — the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.

Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me — I’ve never been one to split hares

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"

Proud dad moment!

I can tell because it's missing a little piece of veneer.

You don’t know what you’re missing.

I told my dad the school was having a makeup day to cover any missed work, and he, typical dad, goes “they’re teaching you to put on makeup?” (I’m a straight male)

I really missed the boat on that one

I received A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.

I'm missing the iron E.

I'm never missed

How I miss Rodney

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.

He was missing his monk-keys.

My wife, without missing a beat, says "Please, Mr. Fan is my father."

I pity the fool who missed their tea!!!

It doesn't hurt when the rock misses you.

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.

My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."

Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

Missed Erection

Cuz you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to go. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.

....really missed an opportunity to call them Substitooths.

It was a big missed steak

I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte".

I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window

Three men go camping in the wilderness; a German, an Italian and a Czechoslovakian. While asleep, their campsite is attacked by a couple of bears and all 3 men are presumed killed. Forest Rangers get deployed to find the missing campers. After inspecting the campsite, the Rangers discover the bear tracks and follow them to the den. Inside are the 2 bears, a male and a female, which the Rangers quickly kill. First, they opened the stomach of the female and inside were the remains of the German and Italian men.

"Looks like our work here is done," the lead Ranger says to his partner.

"But we only found 2 bodies!" The partner cries back.

The Ranger removes his sunglasses and looks vacantly into the distance before finally telling his partner:

"Clearly the Czech is in the male."

They never miss a beet

It was a missed steak

That's when your parrot ends up missing.

"No, sweetheart, you've been fat for years." I'll miss her.

“Oh, that’s awful. Who was that?”

“Miss Givings.”

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

Miss Lead!

..Y'know, because Lead is Pb on the periodic table..? All of my friends (okay fine, all one of my friends) just stared at me when I told him.. Thought you folks might appreciate it a little more...

The Joy of missing out

Miss 2 car payments.

It's a good thing she missed me.

and I completely missed

A bus full of housewifes going on a picnic, suddenly fell into a river... they all tragically died.

Each husband cried for a week straight, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.

When asked why he missed his wife so much, he replied miserably: “My wife missed the bus!!!”

We call her, Miss Steak.

When I glanced over the assignment , I noticed one of the problems was missing.

I waved down the teacher, and he came over and said, "Everything looking good?"

I said, "I don't see a problem here."

He looked at me and said, "Great!" and walked away.

You don't know what you're missing.