This guy told me he was Harry Potterβs godfather. I thought he was messing with me.
He told me he was Sirius.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
I was messing around with my wife while we were camping and accidentally lit her hair on fire...
Sheβs not going to divorce me, but she was fuming.
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 05 2020
If you're messing with Kobe Bryant.... Does that mean you've got some "kobe beef"
No offence to any fans...or followers.....it's in his tribute... I just wish someone else was on that chopper... Sorry if it offended you guys
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 27 2020
Back in the 90s, i spent time on the set of Baywatch messing with a character named Mitch Buchannon. I got pulled off the set and arrested the same night.
Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 20 2019
This one note keeps messing me up though
π︎ 66
π
︎ Mar 12 2019
My schizophrenia medicine is really messing with me...
and me and me and me and me.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 08 2019
My wife gets mad because I keep messing with her red wine....
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it and now she sangria than ever
π︎ 30
π
︎ Oct 05 2019
TIFU by messing up a customer's sandwich order at Subway
π︎ 415
π
︎ Jan 04 2016
Messing with the new messenger features.
π︎ 144
π
︎ Dec 22 2015
Do not want to be messing with 2's
Or you'll be in deep deux deux
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 11 2018
After messing up my tax return forms yet again, my accountant said to me: "you're such a liability....."
"... you should be on a balance sheet"...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 13 2017
What did the horse say to the person messing with their hair?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 27 2017
My wife is pissed at me. I made hard boiled eggs for breakfast this morning and let our 2 year old help peel them and he made a mess
I have been walking on eggshells ever since.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
Mess with an archaeologist;
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
The butchers wife always messes up everyone's orders.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Why should you never mess with Santa?
Because he's got a Black Belt!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we donβt serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if heβs a rope!
Rope replies Iβm a frayed knot.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
Never mess with your wifeβs wine!
I just added fruit and lemonade to my wifeβs and now sheβs sangria than ever before!
π︎ 28
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
Don't mess with Cole's Law!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
Mess with the bat you get the gat
π︎ 33
π
︎ May 22 2020
What did the customer say when the stone carver messed up his tombstone?
You've made a grave mistake...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
What does the Mandalorian use to clean up Baby Yoda's messes?
He uses Bounty [a paper towel brand in the US]
I'm very proud--my teenage son just came up with this one, though I see a few variations when searching through past dad jokes.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
When the optician messed up my appointment...
I didn't look at her the same way again.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
Punch
What is a boxer's favourite drink?
Punch
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
What do astronauts do when they mess up?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
Mess with the deer...
π︎ 97
π
︎ Mar 07 2020
Restaurant messed up and gave me a garden salad instead of a Caesar salad. When I complained my little girl said,
βDad, any salad can be a Caesar salad. You just have to stab it enough timesβ.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
When quarantine messes up your plans...
π︎ 45
π
︎ May 07 2020
If someone messes up a taxidermy job
Is it still considered a stuff up?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
I messed up while making a pie
Donβt worry, it was never supposed to be a piece of cake.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
The smurf really messed up I guess you could say
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
Windshield was a mess!
I asked my wife what kind of bird she thought did this.. she said "a doo-doo bird"
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 25 2020
The ghost in my house is always honest when admitting to making a mess
You could say they are very transparent.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 05 2020
The man and the silver screw.
There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.
The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I switched the I and O keys on my brother's laptop to confuse him and mess his typing up.
I know, I know, I'm a horrible person, but my brother would say I'm a hirroble persin.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 11 2020
An amateur messed up making cheese. He had no whey to fix it.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 09 2020
When a baker messes up a recipe
He'll whisk everything to make it right again.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 13 2020
Dont mess with pediatricians.
They have little patients.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 08 2020
First last time I made a kichen counter it was too small
Sinds then I have started to take countermeasures to avoid that
Edit: ignore the "last" I messed it up...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
Do you make a mess when you poop your pants?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 19 2020
Today I messed up and bought an entire cupboard of beef stock.
But hey, at least Iβm now a boullionnaire
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 25 2020
When you mess up on the first go but you have a good recovery
π︎ 115
π
︎ Feb 25 2019
What do you call an organized alligator?
I don't know, but you better not mess with it!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
I told my local garbage man how much I appreciate him.
I said I would be a mess without him.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
What do you call it when the grocer fails to clean up a mess in the store?
A wrecked aisle dysfunction.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Feb 23 2020
Don't mess with angry bunnies.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 03 2020
This aged well
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Sep 26 2019
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
π︎ 55
π
︎ May 12 2020
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
Recently I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever.
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 06 2020
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juiceβnow sheβs sangria than ever.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Nov 01 2018
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
π︎ 431
π
︎ Jun 28 2019
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