He said, โWrong. It starts with a โYesโ.โ
Because they're all not 'C's.
I told him they were the letters of recommendation.
Happy No L!
Fucking attention horns.
Me: F-O-R T-H-E L-I-F-E O-F M-E
Daughter: confused look
... E deer, F deer, G deer, H deer, I deer, J deer, K deer, L deer, M deer, N deer, P deer, Q deer, R deer, S deer, T deer, U deer, V deer, W deer, X deer, Y deer and Z deer.
Wait.. did I miss one out? O deer
"t-h-e-m o-u-t"
O I C U R M T
โyes but just to prove youโve been paying attention Iโd like you to recite the alphabet firstโ
So with his best effort the boy replies โA B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Zโ
The teacher says โvery good but what happened to the P?โ
โWell this took so long itโs running down my legโ
S โ O โ M โ E โ v โ i โ e โ w s are r โ e โ f โ r โ a โ C โ T โ E โ D, but I'm fully transparent.
>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<
I met a stranger oโโn tโโhe tโโube tโโhe oโโther dโโay. He didn't say 'hello', as a normal person might. Instead, he sโโaid, "โโRemember Matt Damon".
That seems a little bit weird... but it gets weirder. The next day, I passed the same fellow on the street, while I was out walking my dog. He called out to me once again, "Remember Matt Damon".
But I finally cracked it and called the cops after the SAME guy tโโapped oโโn mโโy bedroom wโโindow, aโโt 1โโ1.30 pm last nโโight. He called to me, loud enough for me to clearly hear him through the glass, "โโRemember Matt Damon."
My conversation with the police then went like this:
Me: Officer, I think I have a stalker.
Policeman: can you tell me anything about this person?
Me: Well... uhhh... he reminds me of Matt Damon...
The Medium started a seance and said, in a sing-song voice, "John, if you are with us, please say something".
The Ouija board immediately started spelling out: S-O-M-E-T-H-...
Wife: THAT'S HIM!!!
Why couldnโt the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
For Halloween Iโm going to write โLifeโ on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween, the only Candy Iโm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
โHalloweenโ = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Iโll be your trick if youโll be my treat.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Whatโs a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A โhollow-weenie!โ
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).
How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.
Iโm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always doโฆ by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, โA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?โ The other monster replied, โBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something youโre not will lead to a sweet reward.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, itโs Election night.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Iโm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.
What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!
What do Italianโs eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)
Why canโt the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when theyโre hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope itโs Halloween!!
What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.
A great bundle of Internet puns; enjoy!
You despise Microsoft FrontPage as a web editing tool and as extensions to your webserver.
You can answer the question โis the internet brokenโ without laughing.
You can spot the theme behind the following list: RedHat, SuSE, Debian, Caldera, Slackware.
You can feel the load a server is under without actually checking statistics. It โjust isnโt running rightโ actually makes sense.
You maintain more than four websites and do not have time for a personal web page.
You know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what theyโve done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linus Torvalds, Eric Allman, Sanford Wallace.
You know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP, OSPF, and DUN. You like acronyms.
I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it โBangโ. I mean, think about it.. โI BANGED Emma Watson last night.โ
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBIโฆ
On the Internet you can be anything you want. Itโs so strange that many people choose to be stupid.
Girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smileโฆ
Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter. When Chuck Norris plays hide and seek, even google canโt find him.
A press release: โYesterday, for the first time a hacker was convicted of network penetration and went to jail to serve a 12 years sentence. According to the data of the central computer of the police, the hacker goes to liberty the day after tomorrow because of expiration of the sentence.โ
Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting โLive life fullโ. Thatโs just 3 random words. Iโm going to try now. Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.
Facebook: โMy kids are perfect.โ Instagram: โMy kids are beautiful.โ Twitter: โMy kids are why I drink.โ
The facts on this website are Chuck Norrisโ smallest acheivements. If you knew what he was really capable of, you would never sleep at night.
Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, youโll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? An URLologist.
I'd like to share a poem that my own dad wrote for his mom once upon a time:
M is for the many things she gave me.
O is for the other things she gave me.
T is for the things she gave me.
H is for her things she gave me.
E is for everything she gave me.
R is for the rest of the things she gave me.
Happy Mother's Day to all mothers!
The son goes into the kitchen. โHey mom, whatโs the new password?โ โI donโt know. Go ask your dad.โ The son comes back in the living room. โDad, mom says to ask you.โ He repeats, โGo ask your mother.โ This is repeated three more times until the son is totally pissed off and the mom is irritated as well.
Finally, before the son loses it, I take him aside. โDude, the password is g-o-@-s-k-y-o-u-r-m-0-t-h-e-r.โ โOhhhhhh!โ
Back when I was younger I needed to write an essay.
Me: Dad what is the computer password?
Dad: The password is in my control
Me: Okay cool but I need to write an essay
Dad: I told you it is my control
Me: Can you just come here and type it in then?
This went on for a few weeks until I watched him type in m-y-c-o-n-t-r-o-l
The password is still the same to this day.
My wife, 2 year old son, and I were traveling this past week and went through a drive thru for lunch. After finishing his meal, my son was trying to figure out what the bag said. Not being able to turn around and see what he is seeing, the following exchange took place.
Wife "Do you know what the letters are on the bag?"
Son "Yes!"
Wife " Tell me what the letters are"
Son "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!"
Me "Was that his first dad joke?"
Wife "He is definitely your son" and rolled her eyes.
3yr - What is that?
Dad - Mail
3yr - No, those are letters
Dad - (Look to my wife in approval) Yes those are letters.
3yr - He starts reading each letter on the envelope. L-I-M-I-T-E-D O-F-F-E-R
I feel like I donโt have enough for mermaids, unicorns other creatures etc. Here are the ones I already have...
Basic witch
Spell the tea
Demons are a ghouls best friend
Little black magic dress
The ghoul next door
Squad ghouls
Witch and famous
Resting witch face
Be careful what you witch for
Witch me luck
Witchful thinking
Make love not warlock
Be afraid, be fairy afraid
A good shaman/talisman is hard to find
Do you really wand to hurt me
Black cat got your tongue
But of curse
Safe hex
Group hex
Big girls donโt scry
Itโs my party and Iโll scry if I want to
Trickbait
Fright club
You used to call me on my shell phone
New shellpone, who dis?
Hey, I'm a mermaid and this is crazy, but here's my conch shell, so call me maybe
Yeah the buoys
Donโt krill my vibe
This is boo sheet
Give em pumkin to talk about
Howl you doinโ
Donโt be a jerk-o-lantern
Witch, please
Witch better have my candy
Boo Felicia
Romeo and Ghouliet
Cereal killer
Bun in the coven
Summer covenโ
Boo-ty sleep
How do you boo?
Creep calm and carry on
What ghost around, comes around
No rest for the wiccaโd
Iโll have what bansheeโs having
Zombodie that I used to know
Sugar dead-y
Wiccaโd stepmother
Smells like teen spirits
The only hexception
Neck-romancer
Abracadaver
Thatโs whatโs banshee said
Dead Flanders
Matt Demon
Icy dead people
Purranormal activity
Straight outta coffin
Congrats to the bride and broom
Letโs get sheet faced
Letโs talk about hex, baby
Hex on the beach
Netflix and kill
Silk Satan sheets
Iโm literally dying
Ghost Malone
Broom hair, donโt care
Happy Hallowine
Look what you made me brew
Deja boo
Practice safe hex
Boo berry muffins
There will be hell toupee
Boo lagoon
Coffin up blood
Salty witch
Over the moonicorn
All bayou self
Bad neck-romance
Boy necks door
Allergic to fairy
Youโre so vein
Bats and bobs
All you can eat Buffy
Owl put a spell on you
Faboolous
Zombae
Oh my goth!
Ghoulboss
Bone appetit
Love you to the tomb and back
Dead & breakfast
Sรฉayoncรฉ
I Ouija love
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
No-el no-L
A B C
D E F G
H I J K M N
O P Q R S T U V
W X Y Z
No L, no L
No L, no L
I forgot where I heard this but I use it every year lol
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all my fellow redditors!
Why did A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y and Z all get sent to the principal's office?
Because they were naughty! (Not "E")
Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.
Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?
Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.
I received A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.
I'm missing the iron E.
Home A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z
No home o
