A list of puns related to "Look and Learn"
"It turns out out that they're typically lyres".
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyβre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. βIβd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,β it says. βSorry, but I canβt serve you,β the bartender replies. βYouβre out of your head.β
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. βWe donβt serve your kind here,β the bartender says. βWhy not?β one yogurt asks. βWeβre cultured.β
A friend of mine didnβt pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heβs an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereβs a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, βWhat are you staring at? Havenβt you ever seen a horse tending bar before?β The guy says, βItβs not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.β
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, βWhatβs with the paper towel?β The pirate says, βArrr! Iβve got a Bounty on me head!β
A turtle is crossing the road when heβs mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, βI donβt know. It all happened so fast.β
Armed robbersβsome say theyβre a drain on society, but youβve got to give it to them.
Barbersβ¦you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donβt forget the pickle. Itβs kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereβs Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisβ¦ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit β‘"I didnβt get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early."
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit β‘It's true
Like all beings, the cow was brought into being by the universe.
The cow was very curious about its existence and asked a lot of questions of the universe.
"what am I?" it asked.
"a cow" the universe relied.
"why am I here?" it asked
"to be a cow" the universe relied, and nudged a pile of hay nearby, trying to distract her from digging deeper into that question.
The universe has a lot on its plate, existentially speaking, and in the past its gotten a bit fed up with some of its creatures.
But after what happened to Adam and Eve, the universe learned to be more patient with inquisitive beings.
The success of cats is largely because they take responsibility for their own curiosity.
But the cow was a bit needier, seeking answers rather than exploration.
The universe hoped the smell from the hay would entice it to act rather than ask.
"What's that?" the cow asked.
"Hay" the universe sighed..."for eating," it added, hoping to keep the cow quiet for a while so the universe could focus on other things.
It worked for a while but as soon as the cow's 4 stomachs were full it started asking questions again.
And that's when the universe created a bull.
"And what is that?" she asked
"That's a bull" the universe replied and wiggled its existential eyebrows suggestively.
The cow headed over to the bull and chatted him up, leaving the universe in peace for a while.
The cow was content in until she started started noticing some changes in her body.
"what's this?" she asked, pointing to her swelling body.
"You're pregnant" it replied.
She got really curious about what that meant and became very hyper asking question after question about pregnancy and birth.
She remained excited throughout the gestation, asking questions to prepare for her for the birth.
But when the day came she relaxed, and stayed focused on the task at hand. And after she gave birth, she was exhausted!
Nevertheless, she pulled herself together, looked at the baby that she brought in to the world and, predictably, asked the universe:
"What's that?"
"A calf" the universe sighed, trying to accept the relentless inquisitiveness of the cow.
"Ohhhh!" she sighed, "that explains it!"
The universe blinked. It couldn't help itself.
"Explains what?" it asked.
"Why I'm so tired!"
The universe paused.
"it's because," the cow said, "I'm decalfinated".
And the universe took the power of speech away from the cow for eternity.
... ...
Edited
... keep reading on reddit β‘After four days of nothing to eat I was delirious from starvation. In my desperation I went hunting for the first thing that looked remotely appetizing. Soon I stumbled upon an indigenous macaque, and with a focused throw of my spear I skewered it in one hit.
Only half the battle was over, though. I had no idea what to do with this corpse. I've cooked easy things like beef, poultry, and pork but never a monkey. Fortunately, a wandering traveler came by, so I asked him how I should prepare it. He said, "That's easy. Just boil the monkey. Nice and fast." Then he left.
While it did sound easy, boiled meat usually doesn't taste good. However, another wandering traveler soon meandered by, so I asked him what to do. He said, "If you're patient and want good flavor, slowly spit roast the monkey over a fire." He then walked away.
That sounded much better, but I was too hungry to wait that long. As fate would have it, a third wandering traveler sauntered by, so I asked for his advice. He said, "If you're pressed for time but still want something delicious, then skin the monkey, render its fat, and deep fry the meat in its own fat." He went on his way.
I had three unique options to pick from, and while I hadn't immediately chosen one I definitely learned something new:
There's no wrong way to eat a rhesus.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘Her: "You're a pretty strong swimmer"
Me: "Yeah but I never learned butterfly stroke"
Her: "Butterfly? You just...wing it"
We both looked at each other and snickered like children.
Title Edit: "My wife and I were talking"*
https://i.imgur.com/GlXV2kE.gifv
Reddit admins have recently granted ownership of /r/BlackFathers to myself and a group of other Black/POC mods, and it is our intention to make this a positive and supportive community. This is a place where Black/POC fathers and their family, friends, and colleagues can find helpful resources, welcoming content, and a safe space to learn from each other and share our experience.
Content of all types are welcome so long as the subject/focus of the content is supportive of Black/POC fathers. We look forward to seeing you there.
I work part time in the produce department at a grocery store. Last night while I was at work a customer came up to me and asked, "do you have any more thyme?" So of course I replied with, "well I hope so, I'm only 19" and then laughed to myself for a while. I looked back up and she was just staring at me kind of angrily, so I told her we were all out and she left. Some people need to learn to appreciate comedy
Today I have outdone myself. When asking my sister how her day went, she said that she learned how to cook an omelet today and she said she did really well on it. I then said "next time, omelet you cook breakfast." I swear the look of disgust on her face could turn milk sour, and I couldn't be any prouder of myself.
That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.
You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.
Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..
And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, sheβd say to Little Hop, βIf you keep on keepinβ on hoppin around all aimless, Iβm gonna turn you into a toad!β
Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.
Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frogβs patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.
And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!
And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..
βI toad you so.β
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the strangerβs hand and immediately he asked:
Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasnβt in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didnβt even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
Thank you
If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit β‘So this is a true story.
I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.
Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a few customers) proceeded to mercilessly roast him on the showroom floor.
Looking to me to defend him, he asked, "why don't you back me up?"
I said: "Back up seems to be the last thing you need, I'd just learn to roll with it, you might say I'm pretty neutral..."
So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasnβt much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this ladβs eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the familyβs prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasnβt enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the βAmerican dreamβ and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch
... keep reading on reddit β‘The kid kept screaming, screeching poorly-articulated profanities at the disinterested father. Over the screaming chaos, the father managed to order a water for himself, and an orange juice for his kid. The waitress came by with the drink, and within moments the kid smashed his cup onto the floor out of pure, unaimed toddler rage, spilling the drink all over the floor and the waitress.
The father apologized, but asked if the gremlin could still have a second orange juice, hoping the kid would miraculously calm down. The waitress conceded despite the terribly behaved toddler, and returned to the shrieking zone with a second orange juice. She had forgotten to clean up the puddle of orange juice however, and slipped. The cup of juice went straight into the kid's face, and like a fire extinguisher to a flame, the kid just went silent, as if a lesson had been learned. Everyone in the restaurant looked at the table in silence.
Juice twice had finally been served.
The funniest and cutest wedding puns by Puns Ville
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Letβs talk about rights and lefts. Youβre right so I left
Marriage is: Finding the one person to ANNOY for the rest of your life!
To some, marriage is a word. To others, a sentence.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
Honeymoon: The holiday a man takes before he begins to work for a new boss.
When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
What do you call a melon thatβs not allowed to get married? Cantelope.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
To many girls think the word βmarriageβ has a nice ring to it.
Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing.
Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.
When a psychic showed me the girl Iβll marry, it was love at second sight.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, βArenβt you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?β The other replied, βYes, I am, I married the wrong man.β
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, βYou know, I was a fool when I married you.β The husband replied, βYes, dear, but I was in love and didnβt notice.β
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
A man inserted an βadβ in the classifieds: βWife wantedβ.Β Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: βYou can have mine.β
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Whatβs the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?Β About 30 pounds.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.Β Second marriage is
... keep reading on reddit β‘When they arrived, a cab driver greeted them at the airport. "What should we do on our first day here," the father asked his son, excitedly. The driver interjected, "Well, if you're not natives, I'd suggest the roller coaster that teaches your or language." Confused, the father and son look at one another then back at their guide. "Trust me," he told them, "It's guaranteed or your money back." Having no plans and now both understandably intrigued, the pair agreed. When they arrived at the roller coaster, they were amazed to behold the giant steel skeleton of the most intricate ride they'd ever seen. It had loops, helixes, corkscrews and drops more terrifying than anything they'd ridden back home. The son quickly rescinded his consent and turned you guys father. "There's no way I'm getting on that thing. You go first," he said, "Then you can tell me if it's worth it." Not wanting to seem a coward, the father accepted. Stepping into the first car, he seated himself. As the attendant approached to check his shoulder restraint, her couldn't help but ask, "So how exactly am I supposed to learn an entire language from a roller coaster?" The attendant smiled and replied simply, "You'll see." Anticipation turned to unease as the cars lurched upward towards the first drop. The seconds felt like hours as the car climbed higher and higher, clicking steadily while the chain pulled it skyward. As the nose of the car tipped downward and he could see the enormous drop below, his inner fear turned verbal. Without thinking he screamed, "minΓ€ kuolen!" As he rounded the first turn and into an inverted twist, he debut another exclamation well inside and burst forth. "naida!" He screamed as the ride continued. A few minutes and many foreign-tongued exclamations later, he found himself back at the station trying to catch his breath with the smiling attendant removing his restraints. His ran up to his son and declared, "It really works! I'm not sure how, but it really works!" "How was it?" the son asked unimpressed. "It was a wild ride from start to Finnish." "The son smiled weakly. "Yeah , the cabbie stole our luggage."
During the consultation on Saturday, my nervous wife accompanied me to learn more about the procedure. She got me pretty good when she said it was an "eye-opening experience."
Rest assured I didn't leave her the last word. After the procedure yesterday, I exited the operating room to find her waiting in a crowded lobby. She looked up at me, and I got her back with "Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."
Not exactly a dadjoke, but she learned from the best.
So, it was last sunday and we did a family trip to the zoo with the whole family. Now our kids are 3 1/2 and 1/2 and we named them after strong animals, think "Leoni" (the Lioness) and "Falc" (the Falcon), not exactly those names, but you get the gist. We decided about our daughter's name about 4 years ago.
While we were standing at the entrance queue, my wife gently stroked our daughter's hair, lifted up our son, placing a kiss on his forehead, looked at me smiling and said:
"I have been waiting for this so long!"
"Uhm, to stand in line at the zoo?"
"No, honey, to .... take our zoo to the zoo!"
*groan*
We have a one year old son who is learning to use a cup. Tonight he was on the porch, "drinking" some water wearing a new and adorable little Nike outfit. The shirt got soaked so I took it off and let him continue to "drink" from his cup. Well of course he eventually dumped it on the floor.
So Dad is sitting there and he tells me to "just wipe it up with the shirt".
I say "NO WAY! I'm not using this brand new Nike shirt to clean the floor!"
Dad responds with "Just Do itβ’β¦"
...and looked at me with a face like it was the most clever hysterical thing that has ever been uttered in human history.
Me and this poor kid have a long road ahead of us...
The winner and the 9 runner ups: "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets"
This bike shop takes in old bicycles, repairs them, and sells them for an incredibly low price. I volunteer there pretty frequently mostly because I want to learn about bike maintenance.
Another volunteer and I were working on evaluating a bike to see if it was alright to sell. We were both trying to get the tires off the rims.
"Fuck, this tire is not coming off!"
"Yeah, it's being really tiresome."
He looked at me, shook his head, gave a slight groan, and started to laugh.
I am not a dad at the moment, but I've learned the art of pretty clever puns in college. Some are mine, some are spins on inspirations, others are more on the joke side of dad.
What does a radioactive cat have?
18 half-lives
Ventriloquists are like psychiatrists, they both talk through things.
What is my vision?
To make the world 10% better?
No, it's about 20/20...
The invention of the shovel was truly a groundbreaking discovery.
Dad: I invested in some uranium, but I lost money.
Friend: What happened?
Dad: The Profit decayed.
We have received a report of a hole being discovered in the ground, our investigative team is looking into it.
There was an explosion at a local film manufacturing company, the story is still developing as we speak.
A local theater put together an act about jokes.
It was a play on words
SΓΈ, I hΓͺΓ‘rd yΓΆΕ« lΓ¬kΓ« fΓΆrΓ©igΓ± aΓ§ΔΔΕtΕ‘
As an airline mechanic would say, the job has lots of ups and downs.
My New Years resolution will probably be 25 megapixels, or 4K, not sure yet...
There was a river in Egypt no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.
Dad-Epitaph:
I thought I'd never live to see this day come.
There are two things that are guaranteed to open doors in life.
Push and Pull!
(How to keep an idiot in suspense)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A man builds robotic snakes for a living, I guess you could say he was a... python programmer!
A researcher's obsession with mixing stone, sand, lime, and water has yielded concrete results.
A madman once attacked a rider on his horse.
The rider had to goto hospital, the horse remains in stable condition.
A man bought a paper shop, it blew away in the wind last night.
Science is all about learning the rules, setting off an absurd amount of explosives, and then writing down what happened.
It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.
Dad: Did you pick up your room?
Kid: No, I tried but it's too heavy.
When I was a wee lad, about 5 or 6 , my dad and I went to the beach on a vacation. I, having never seen the ocean, learned many new things, like how tides work, and how there's seemingly billions of white flying rats that the world calls Seagulls.
Fast forward a few weeks to us being back home in Kansas City, MO where no beaches or seagulls are to be found. My dad and I were running errands and found ourselves at the local Target, where in the parking lot I spotted dozens of white birds that looked eerily similar to the Seagulls I had learned about weeks before.
"Dad, what're those?" I inquired
"Oh, son those are called Parkinglotgulls. Yeah they're close cousins of the seagull!"
And that's how I came to call those white birds that flock around parking lots worldwide "Parkinglotgulls" even to this day.
So, let's start off with a fact about myself: I'm vegetarian. I've been one my whole life. Now, let's get to the story.
Basically, I was driving down to camp at a Battleship with my dad (for a Boy Scouts trip), and this was during my first 6 months of learning to drive. This was the most intense trip for me (so far), and I was already nervous about driving on the interstate, so I was doing my best to practice proper driver etiquette.
Now, here's where the story gets interesting. I'm cruising down the interstate, going approximately 70 mph in the middle lane, when all of a sudden, I see a deer emerge onto the road from the right. It's running to the left (aka, trying to cross this interstate). The car to the right of me slams on the brakes, so the deer kept running. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could, BARELY missing the deer. The car to the left of me was unlucky. The deer smashes its head into the left car's headlight and it flips over to the right (over my car). Clearly, it's dead, and as it flipped over my car, a lot of its blood gets onto my windshield.
I'm horrified. I kept driving forward. Trying to make sure I didn't veer off or anything. I look to my dad, and my hands are slightly shaking while I'm continuing this trip. My dad looks over to me, smiles, and says, "Don't worry, my 'deer'. Keep driving."
I looked back at him with the most disgusted face, and he just started giggling. Good god, this was NOT the time for a dad joke, but nevertheless, my dad didn't fail to deliver.
I thought I'd hate him forever after this and people would agree with me, but now this joke gets one of the largest laughs from people at parties. <_<
tl;dr My dad's sense of humor appalls me.
When my grampa learns that the couple next to them are on their honeymoon he leans over and goes "This is what you two are gonna look like in 50 years"
.... a bunch of nematodes.
This one was said by my father when we were visiting an aquarium with my wife and kids. We just finished looking at a tank with a few dozen clown fish. Unfortunately, I had no idea what a nematode was. My 8 year old son then proceeded to educate me what he learned from sponge bob.
My professor had taught us about these doohickeys called multiplexers, which we sometimes also call "data selectors," in a previous lecture.
At the next lecture we had a review: he would draw a symbol and we would shout out what it represented, and he was hamming it up, acting like a game show host.
He drew a multiplexer on the board and asked the class, "what's this?" "A multiplexer!" some students called out. "Right! Now," says the prof, "what is another word for 'multiplexer'?" "A data selector!" someone answers correctly. But he looks like the student just blew the million-dollar question. "Hmm... 'a data selector'... no, I'm afraid notβthat's three words!"
His two young kids have probably learned not to ask him about what he teaches.
Son: Good, we learned about dehydration, look at this chart they gave us!
Dad: That's nifty! Let me take it to the bathroom and see how hydrated I am.
A few minutes later...
Son: How'd it go dad?
Dad: Results were unclear.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit β‘6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9βs death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7βs house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9βs body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.
and my teacher starts counting wavelengths to help us learn a concept. "One lambda, two lambda, three lambda" suddenly I chime in "man, I thought I was the only one trying to fall asleep here". My teacher looked at me obviously ready to scold me but before he does I proudly explain myself "Get it? Like counting sheep!". Believe me, the groan my classmates gave me was one for the ages.
Then looked up at me immediately afterward and said βmy name isnβt cold so donβt call me cold, Iβm just feeling coldβ. They learn so fast!
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...
He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.
... keep reading on reddit β‘This is the exact interaction that took place:
Dad: I have a joke for you
Me: Aight.
Dad: When someone expresses an annoying opinion ask them...
Me: Go on. Im enthralled.
Dad: Deer eat grass, cows eat grass
Dad: Horses eat grass
Dad: Ask: why is deer poop like raisins but cow poop look like paddies and horse look like apple plop
Dad: He or she will say I do not know
Dad: R u ready for punchline?
Me: I was born ready.
Dad: Ok then...
Dad: U say, why do I care what u say when you don't know shit!
Me: I see you learned to text message.
Now they're adult knees.
I used this one in class the other day when learning about kidneys. My friends just looked at me and shook their heads.
She looks at my dads leftovers and asks "wanna box?"
My dad doesn't miss a beat and replies "No, but do you wanna wrestle?"
He learned from the best, and I am following in his footsteps.
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