I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;

β€œAre these knickers satin?" "No” she said, β€œThey’re brand new...”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Last month my doctor told me, "Bob, this is seriously urgent. You really have to start drinking less vodka."

I've been out to at least 40 different bars since then, but no one seems to carry that brand. Anyone know where to find it?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuhoBuhoGris
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Trucker's Breakfast

A trucker came intoΒ  a Truck Stop CafΓ© and placed his order with the waitress. He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said.Β  "'three flat tires' mean three pancakes; 'a pair of headlights' are two eggs sunny side up; and 'a pair of running boards' are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"

"Oh.. OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrBobShelton_74
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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What does the Mandalorian use to clean up Baby Yoda's messes?

He uses Bounty [a paper towel brand in the US]

I'm very proud--my teenage son just came up with this one, though I see a few variations when searching through past dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tampaillini
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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There once was a man who would buy tons of buckets of roofing sealant, change the label then resell them.

Sometimes he would simply rename the brand. Sometimes he would name it a different product entirely. In a few horrific instances he repackaged it as food products. Eventually he was found, arrested, and brought to court. And though he admitted to doing all those things, he insisted that he had done nothing illegal and that moreover, his actions were protected by the law and the Constitution. His reasoning?

"I have the right to rename sealant!!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/epicukulele
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand-new Rolex."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Did you hear that Bob Barker died?

He got hit by a brAND NEW CAAAAAR!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/millre01
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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I can't believe I'm already going bald! What the hell?

That's last time I buy off-brand tires...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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What do Instagram influencers eat for breakfast?

Raise-in-brand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heynow2468
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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My sister was moving her TV into her house, and i said,

”Careful, that tv is SHARP!” since it was a sharp branded TV

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.

I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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Very fishy

Reporter goes to a brand new fish farm. The owner is showing her around. "These are our salmon, our trout are over there..." As the owner is speaking, reporter trips & her billfold falls into the nearest tank. It floats away, carried by the artificial current.

Reporter asks if the owner has a pool skimmer or something. Owner proudly says "No need, just watch - these fish are smart!"

Reporter watches as her billfold pops above the surface on the nose of a fish. The wallet is then tossed up, and another catches it.

This goes on until the last fish tosses the lost leather case into the reporter's hands. "That's amazing," she says.

Owner grins & says "Yep! We're proud of our carp-to-carp walleting!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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Did you know the worlds oldet computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve?

The computer was branded by apple, but it had very limited memory. It only had 1 byte and then everything crashed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/masesarkidd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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If celebrities were types of wood

Spruce Willis (Bruce Willis)

Matthew Mahogany (Matthew Maconahay? Tell me how to spell it)

Mirk Russel (Kurt Russel)

Clint Oakwood (Clint Eastwood)

Benedict Lumberthatch (Benedict Cumberbatch)

Ashwood Kutcher (Ashton Kutcher)

Birch Reynolds (Bert Reynolds)

Russel Branch (Russel Brand)

Dwayne "The Log" Johnson (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeardyJunior2110
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...

They brand themselves as MOMzarella...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hackmark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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What is Halloween's favorite medicine?

Any brand of coffin cold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VenomousPrime2017
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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I need some bug spray.

A guy walks into a store and asks an employee where the bug spray is.

The employee, who just so happened to be currently stocking bug spray, tells the customer it's right here.

The guy then thanks the employee but then asks him to recommend one as he is not sure which one is better.

The employee smiles, then pulls a can of bug spray off the shelf and tells the guy that this is a good one and one of their best sellers.

The guy looks unsure, so the employee asks if something is wrong with it.

The guy replies that he's not sure but it feels like something is Off about this brand.

(Explanation: there is a bug spray brand called Off)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PurpsJL
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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I got a rooster on 2018's Valentine's day.

Lol, on last year's Valentine's day my best friend had got mad at me for not asking my crush out.

We'd planned on going to McDonald's together because he didn't have a date either. When I arrived at McDonald's this f*cker was holding a cardboard box with a terrified look and when he saw me he immediately gave me the box and told me he'd already bought the food and that we better take the bus to my place. I just thought he probably was joking or something because the box didn't even have any kind of decoration, it even had a chips brand printed on it, but as we got to the bus and sat I felt something moving inside, I thought maybe it was a puppy or something, but why did he look scared of it?

So, we get to my house, I go to my backyard, where my then 7yo beagle was and I open the box. I could only see a black blur flying out of it and then heard my best friend scream. It was a rooster. He's terrified of birds. And weirdest of all it was a fully grown rooster but he was super tiny, like 10 inches tall tiny.

I asked him wtf was going on and he just kinda hid behind the backyard door and said "I bought it so that you could get some cock tonight". I always make puns and he hates them, I was speechless. So long story short I now own 6 chickens and 4 roosters (my mom got super mad at him for buying the rooster, but then she got super attached and bought him a chicken, when she laid eggs she let them hatch, the rooster's name is Enrique btw, my mom even made him a birthday party and all last week, lol)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArbiterInqui
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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I couldn't find any name brand mosquito repellent at the store today.

They only had the Off brand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnchantedLuna
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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Getting a printer

For our anniversary my wife requested a printer/scanner. After doing some research I tell her that Brother would be a good brand to get.

"The one I'm looking at is black. That's a little bit racists, right?" Her face doesn't change, an indication that the joke failed and just to move on.

So she asks me if the printer has cables.

"Nope! It works through the wifi so you won't have to worry about wires! You can even print stuff from your phone!"

"Oh. So doesn't that mean I can't hook a Brother up?"

I was so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kupy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2016
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OJ Simpson joined Twitter...

...I think to promote a brand of orange juice.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alltime75
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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Got my wife this morning

I was in the bathroom and she called from down the hall, "What's the brand name on my hair mousse?"

Looking at the bottle, I see the label has been rubbed off, so I say "It doesn't say, it must be... Anony-mousse!"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TapThatSAS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2015
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My best work so far.

At work, there was a metal catering tray filled to the brim with cold water sittin' around for no reason so I asked the receptionist/coworker, who has said repeatedly that she just can't stand me, if I should dump it. She looked at me, smiled and said "If you can." I responded "without spilling it?" In a 'of course I'm not going to spill but dont rule it out' way. She said "Yes." Silently giving me good luck. Fortunately, I done did the deed and no brand new flooring was harmed. I then proceeded to google water jokes. After that, I walked up to her desk, glanced into her soul for the slightest moment while greeting, "Hey Sarah" , then I swiftly looked downwards as she asked, "Yeah?" I THEN told her this, "I don't know about you but unlike that cold water I just dumped". I pause, regain eye contact and finished with, "boiling water will be mist."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dafuq0_0
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Grandpa joke

My grandpa told me this joke; mind you, it was in the '90s, before all the computer tech became relevant.

Inventor runs to the patent office:

  • I have a brand new machine idea!
  • What does it do? - asked the official.
  • You know how every man is tired of shaving every single morning? My shaving machine would be placed all over the city, for scruffy lads to just put their heads in the device, and in exchange for a quarter, it would shave their face for them! - replied the inventor.
  • But Sir, every person's face has a different shape!
  • ...At first!
πŸ‘︎ 508
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DashcamWarriors
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2015
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I tried to talk to two strangers today and they both whisked their hands at me and told me to get lost.

I guess you could say I got a brand new pair of shoos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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Weird flex

The other day my wife went out to the store and bought something. When I got home she immediately started bragging about it to impress me.

Wife: Honey come to the kitchen

Me: ok, what for

Wife: I got something pretty cool (Goes into the kitchen) Me:So what am I looking at

Wife: I got a glass container collection, and its brand name too Plexiglass, isn’t it awesome?

Me: so you wanted to show that off to me?

Me: Weird plex but okay

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Robbie1945
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Clean kill

My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. My grandma and great grandma nearly died when, without batting an eye, grandpa pulled the Pheasant off the car, grabbed his Gerber knife, and stripped, cleaned, and threw the bird on the BBQ. I was in dying from laughter at this point. Grandma and my great grandma were dying from embarrassment. He offered them some and grandma angrily refused for the 3 of us, calling it road kill. Without skipping a beat, he calmly replied "This isn't road kill, it's Continental Wild Pheasant, Twice-Grilled."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierragirl78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
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Son, "You shouldn't use racial stereotypes"

Me "Oh? Which brand should I get then?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M00Milk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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Have you got a "smart shopper" loyalty card sir?

No, I'm not a smart shopper.

(I do this in front of the soon to be eyerolling wife. My boy still to young to "affect")

(This works where I live since the one grocery chain of stores branded their loyalty card scheme with the name "smart shopper")

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StoolZA
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2017
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Ravens and Crows

A good friend told me a story once. When she was a kid her family would often go to zoos and museums while on vacation. They were in the aviary on one of those visits looking at birds. My friend saw a crow asked the zookeeper a question. "What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" The zookeeper looked at her, smiled and started to answer. "Have you ever heard of a pinion feather?" he said. "Pinions are the the feathers at the tip of a bird's wing that allows it to fly. They are also the ones that people will trim to prevent birds from flying away. Crows have 5 pinion feathers while ravens have 6. So, if you think about it, it's really just a matter of a pinion."

To this day, my friend and her family don't know the real answer to "What's the difference between a crow and a raven?" They are wonderful and intelligent people, but they subscribe to a particular brand of ignorance where a good pun is better than actual knowledge. They call it punorance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JediPaxis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2017
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Not a dad, but I laughed at my own joke for at least 5 minutes.

Walking out of a hardware store with my friend he sees a new Coke brand refrigerator. He says,

"My dad tried to get one like that but he couldn't find one. They don't sell them to just anyone"

I immediately responded,

"Yeah you've gotta be a coke dealer"

Laughing ensued on my part all the way home while he just looked at me like I betrayed him. I'm assuming that means it was a perfect dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 321
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LUMPYromero
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2015
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Deja Moo

Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.

Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)


Now these are puns all about COWS

Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.

And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle

And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.


In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.

In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.

Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.

TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.


When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me

Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.

I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared

She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.


I whistled for a calf and when it came near

Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!

If anything I can say this STEAK is rare

But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!


I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8

More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.

So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,

Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.


Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrazyCasey412
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
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I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand new Rolex."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Did you hear that Bob Barker died?

He got hit by a BRAND NEW CAR!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/millre01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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In the lingerie store

I asked her "is any of this satin? " "No," She replied, "it's all brand new."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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The biggest name brand in mosquito repellent...

Is still an OFF brand.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerdEE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
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