I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Multi-level marketing
The worker responded “it’s our special tea”
Happy Father’s Day fellow dads!
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.
They put a cap on it.
A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...
They said the sky is the limit.
Me: "Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
Turns out he was a shit driver..
You look at your X and wonder Y.
I'm calling it Guac-a-Mole
He sure showed me what I was made of.
That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.
You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.
Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..
And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, “If you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”
Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.
Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.
And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!
And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..
“I toad you so.”
I'm an astronaut.
He broke the seed limit
I told her that I was more like a circle, squares are too edgy for me.
I said, "Thanks. You're a real trooper."
Me: "$4000?"
Her: "Higher."
Me: "$5000?"
Her: points up
Me: "$8000?"
Her: "No, the one above $5000."
Me: "$5001?!"
Me: My love for you is 0/0 Her: Aww, infinite? Me: Nahh,Undefined. Her: Why are you like this, is there no limit to your stupidity? Me: Umm, now that you say it, I should've applied a limit to it. Her: I want to break your bones, ugh. Me: So are you saying that I'll have to re-visit the l'hospital?
The first one ordered one beer, the second ordered 1/2 a beer, the third ordered 1/4 of a beer and so on.
The bartender poured two beers and said:
“I know my limits”
He orders a pint. Then half a pint. The a quarter pint. Then an eighth, and so on. Eventually the barman hands him 2 pints and says ,”You mathematicians. You just don’t know your limits.”
I guess the sky is my limit
This sub is off-limits to you according to your own sub.
So the joke's on you.
It was speeding down the interstate going 20 over the speed limit with a bunch of monkeys hanging off the side when suddenly it lost control and crashed, spilling the contents of it's trailer across all four lanes blocking traffic for hours.
It was bananas.
By which I mean safely and within the speed limit as not to draw the attention of the police.
the sky is the "limit"...
My parents told me the sky was the limit for my job opportunities. help me
That night somebody had broken into his shop and stolen a few very expensive suits, and he wanted the person responsible arrested.
He approached the counter, where the owner of the workshop stood.
"Hi!" she said. "I'm Emmy, how can I help you today?"
"Well, I have this problem, and I saw online that you could help me for cheap." he responded.
"My shop was robbed of some of my most expensive suits tonight, and I want your help catching the perpetrator."
"That's awful, but I am confused as to how I would be of assistance?" she said.
The tailor was silent for a second, noticeably confused.
Before he had a chance to respond she asked,
"What did you see on our website?"
"Well I didn't actually see it on your website, there was actually this ad that intrigued me. It had big bold letters and read:
For a limited time only, click the link to find the cheapest and best deals!!! Emmy's Suit cases - Now 50% off!!!"
A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless
The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference.
On the other hand, we have those who don’t try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limb’er up and take charge.
"Does he have Barkinsons disease?"
(Note, my wife got really mad about this joke. Apparently the dogs are off-limits)
I have been watching our 'tax payer funded' spaceman Major Tim Peake's intergalactic adventures with very limited interest and have done some some pretty basic arithmetic. The ISS is 250 miles above the Earth,and Tim and his spaceman mates took off at 11am -ish, and it took 7 hrs to get there. Fuck me that is just a little over 35 mph, my first car an mk1 escort would have got there quicker!
I have a theory
That you must tell no one,
About the way
That dads make a pun.
It all starts out
With an underground meeting:
7:30 on Mondays,
With limited seating.
They talk and converse
To say their new jokes,
Like
"I'm all out of whites,
But got plenty of yokes!"
From there they spread
To dads far and wide,
For use on their kids,
All mercy aside.
There's no way to stop it,
Believe me, I've tried.
The only thing that can help
Is to plug your ears, and hide.
Two falcons are passing through security, each carrying 3 dead squirrels. They weren't allowed to board, though - the airline had a strict limit of two carrions.
We just had our first child Saturday evening. On Sunday, she fussed at me about making her laugh (because it hurt), so I agreed to limit myself to dad jokes. She was okay with this. She then asked for her slippers. As I'm putting them on her, I say "I'm not sure why they call them slippers, that's the last thing I'd want to do." Now I'm not allowed to tell dad jokes either.
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Edits: Thanks for all the awards!
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
The computer was branded by apple, but it had very limited memory. It only had 1 byte and then everything crashed
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything CRASHED.
