Julie Andrews’ Daily Schedule: 1. Impersonate Homer Simpson 2. Read about bushcraft 3. Watch ludicrously silly play 4. Replace button on blouse 5. Start making coffee flavoured bread

D’oh, Ray Mears, Farce, Sew, Latte Dough.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Raoul24601
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.

In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yougotyolks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: Why is my sister named Julianna? Dad: We couldn't decide between Julie and Anna

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Tedward

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Julie Andrews will not endorse that popular vibrant shade of lipstick. She says it breaks too easily and gives her bad breath. Her official statement on this........

The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My birthday is on July 24th, shame I was born in america. If I was born anywhere else....

my birthday would be 24/7

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aglaz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid asked me what's my favorite month and I answered, "July".

She asked again: Why July?

I said: I didn't lie.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/detharos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Happy 1st of July
πŸ‘︎ 300
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chchnz88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my kids when they wanted to go on vacation. I asked β€œWould July to August be okay?”

My son replied, β€œWhy would I lie to August? That’s not nice.”

I got dad-schooled.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Fireworks
πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Noosayag
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeusJZ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Both my ex and I were born in July

She said I was a crab.

I said she was cancer.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Does England have a 4th of July?

Of coarse they do, it doesn’t jump from July 3rd to July 5th.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisprater6986
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.

But not fire. . . . . Fire works on 4th of July.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YeaOrna
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I was just chillin by the pool on the 4th of July with my 11 yr old. I told him I got a little Sun...

And then you had a growth spurt.

It took him a few minutes...

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I do what I hear.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/recoro06
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Every year on July 4th a group of ants get together inside a pen and have a dancing party.

It's "In the Pen Dance Day"!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/defa90
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are there no knock knock jokes about the Fourth of July?

Because freedom rings.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gasoline-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister and I were making a pie for the 4th of July

After making it, we opened the fridge to cool it. After being unable to find space for it, I suggested we move the steaks that my mom is saving for dinner. As we put them on a higher shelf, I looked at her and said β€œThe steaks have been raised”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Miki-Corkrei
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
He is right there...
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eucliditorian
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
June, I caught Julying
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rlaff5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know I got fired from the calendar factory ?

Yea, I took a day off

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DinkyOreo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Not everyone has Happy 4th of July.
πŸ‘︎ 199
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andrepreached
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Two guys stole a calendar.

They got six months each.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeje17j
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss said that an outdoor concert was fine this fourth of July celebration despite the forecast f rain...

Just so I cover all the bassists.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Happy 4th July :D
πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CookieMcCrumble
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
The USA turns 241 years old this July 4th...

... which means that it will go back to being indivisible

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/soxman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2017
🚨︎ report
Everywhere else it’s July 24 except the UK

where it’s the end of May.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZonieDrew
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
National Orgasm day is coming (July 31)

You should really try to get off that day if you can.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paddirn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Selling fireworks around the 4th of July must be a booming industry
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/delmastron
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a duck on the Fourth of July?

A firequacker!

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/glucose-fructose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
'Fire works' sign on the 4th of July at the Fanny Bay trail (Osceola forest, FL)
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JelloPud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
No offense to anyone born in late june to early july but...

I hate cancer

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Since my kids last birthday in July no one has asked me...

... how old my kids are.

This is going to be a missed opportunity as their next birthday is creeping up fast (this coming July obviously).

Their ages? 7 and 11. πŸ˜”

I just want to be able to say 7-11.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
While driving my wife says to me: there is a problem with my check in July.

Me: check in July?

Wife: yes, it is on

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I broke up on July 4th.

I guess that’s why they call it Independence Day

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hyacinthocornu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you eat on the 5th of July

Independence day old pizza

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dogman0565
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A 4th of July riddle:

What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?

One has his face on a bill and the other has a bill on his face.

Be safe this holiday and have a great weekend !!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I got fired from my job at the calendar factory ...

... because I took a few days off.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stchrysostom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July....

But not fire....fire works on the 4th of July

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LogOffPleez
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't believe I was fired from the calendar factory!

All I did was take a day off!

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mickets
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the calendar factory

All I did was take a day off.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrWulf360
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone has the 4th of July off except fire

Fireworks on the 4th of July

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was fire sad on July 4th?

Because fire works on July 4th

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vshesha
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
You said everything would be back to normal by the end of June...

July-ed!

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fredwardofox
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Can you believe June is already over!

Julying!

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dhg_Jokez
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Selling fireworks around the 4th of July must be a really...

Booming industry

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/delmastron
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Some people have off on July 4th. Fire does not. Fire works on the Fourth of July
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PandaYoshi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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