Jimmy Carr
  • I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

  • I went up to the airport information desk. I said "How many airports are there in the world?"

  • I hate fat girls who use the excuse "oh the camera adds 10lb" Well, stop eating cameras then.

  • At the check-in desk the girl said, ''Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?''

She said, ''No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''l'll have a seat.''

  • When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

  • A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done"

  • Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don't live in New York City.

  • Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

  • British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilikefruitydrinks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
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As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

β€œThis takes me back.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

β€œSome asshole has my pen.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalyconBolt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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A friend asked me," What rhymes with orange?"

I said," No, it doesn't."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteDeath1404
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die" and I was quite surprised that...

"Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
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If you're not a part of a solution,

You're either a solid or a gas.

(Jimmy Carr)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Newspaper Headline

Stationary store moves.

^(Credit to Jimmy Carr)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/remsed777
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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I was on a date with a girl from Africa, we spent the whole night talking in her native language...

We just clicked.. -- Jimmy Carr

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The--Fonz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
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Today I think I became my dad.

> Having holes drilled into house for insulation

> Standing outside with Dad watching workmen do their thing

"Is our house a church now?" I ask.

> Strange look from Dad and other workmen

"Seems like we have... hol(e)y walls!"

> Cue me standing there, grinning like I'm Jimmy Carr, Dad facepalming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrCodeSmith
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2014
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My wife just said, "Nothing rhymes with orange"

I said, "no it doesn't"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/number9spud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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