What does Thomas the Tank Engine say when it bites it's fingernails?

Chew chew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dacaldha
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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I hate it when mosquitoes bite me

It really bugs me out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrew3200
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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I’m the animal kingdom, it’s considered a heinous crime for a malaria-infected mosquito to bite.

The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn.

Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture.she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force.

The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden.

The mosquito was on the lamb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadfullyBIzzy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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The lake by my house was overpopulated with river otters that would bite and harass people. The local gov used explosives to fix the problem. They called it operation otter pop
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imj23
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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Unexpected dad joke from Mom... My dad was grilling pork chops today. Normally not a fan, but I decided to try a bite. It was delicious, so I turned to my dad and said, "Wow Dad! These pork chops are really well done!" From behind me, Mom quipped...

"Actually, they're medium-well."


I paused for a good 10 seconds as it began to sink in, and then gave her the biggest applause I could.

I'm so happy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoBlizzard12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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I'd make a joke about using insect protein in bite-sized pancakes, but it would be a little flippant
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saguine
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2017
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Finally...a tree who's bite is worse than it's bark

http://i.imgur.com/IN3Yz6C.png

My dad is a professional dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paulrulez742
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2015
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What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?

Biting into an apple and finding half of a worm in it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riverrat423
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.

Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?

One’s a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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At the dinner table tonight

My wife cracks open an empty fortune cookie and asks, β€œWhat kind of fortune cookie doesn’t have a fortune??” I chuckle between bites and say, β€œCall it a ... cookie.”

It really wasn’t funny but I haven’t laughed so hard in so long I ended up choking on my fried rice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattisart_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Just got my grandma good, and made my father proud

After eating dinner with my parents and grandma, I got a bag of Little Bites Fudge Brownies from the pantry. My grandma asks me if they were from the box. I hold them up and point to the package and say β€œno they’re from the bag”

My dad and I lost it and started crying. Pray that we find it soon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beansforlife
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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What’s the difference between a hot dog and a pit bull?

A pit bull bites the hand that feeds it, while a hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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I was anxiously waiting to hear the result of the Worst Bad Habit Awards

It was nail-biting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alwaysthecold
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Little Johnny is in class on day

The teacher asks the class, β€œ there are five birds on a power line, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?”

Johnny replies, β€œ none the rest flew away when they heard the shot.”

The teacher says, β€œ no three are left but I like the way you think.”

So then Johnny says, β€œ let me ask you a question. There are three women eating ice cream, one licking it, one sucking it, and one biting it, which ones married?”

The teacher says, β€œ the one sucking?”

Johnny says, β€œ no the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnorakBeta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I went to the dentist yesterday...

I went to my dentist yesterday, and after about a half an hour of cleaning and filling I finally could go home. Before I left he stopped me and said,

"Hey man, you better lay off the sweets, you'll get cavities."

I scoffed and replied, "I'll be fine doc."

Today I took a bite into my third chocolate bar and suddenly a jolt of pain shot from my tooth,

"OW MOTHERFU--"

I went to the dentist again, running inside. He turned to me and smirked,

"The tooth hurts, doesn't it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatNamedCheete
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Food contamination warning!

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prawncracker92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions β€œso what’s the food like here??” The other lions responded...

β€œActually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SidB_22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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A fly is buzzing along when he feels something bite his back.

Fly: "Ouch! Hey you must be pretty small to fit on my back. Are you a mite?"

Mite: "Yeah, as in I MIGHT bite you again hahaha"

Fly: "Wow.... That might be the worst joke I've ever heard"

Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?

A dog with a bark worse than its bite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hour_Scarcity
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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I found one hard boiled egg in the fridge

It was the last one in the container. I took one bite and spit it out - no idea how long it had been there but clearly it had been too long.

"Rotten egg?" my husband asks. I agree. He says "Makes sense, it was the last one there."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vampilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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Why do people gasp when I ask them about my lost dog?

All I'm asking is have you seen my weiner? It's about about 18" long and likes to be rubbed... Doesn't bite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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My teenage daughter showed me a small bump on her hand and asked what it was...

I told her I thought it was a bug bite and she asked 'But where did I get bitten?' and I said 'On your hand.' :D She even laughed! True story!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumboltQuadrant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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Dinner with the GF

So we ordered pizza last night when it just got too late to cook... While we were sitting and eating I pushed my plate away with one piece of pizza left on it. My GF asked "Don't you want to eat your last piece?" "I said no, you can have it." So she took it off my plate and finished it in two bites... I reached for another piece of pizza and she said "What are you doing, you just said you were full!" I said β€œI didn't say I was full... I just didn't want that piece because it fell on the floor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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My sister dadjoked me pretty good over dinner.

I took my kid sister to In-N-Out for dinner. I asked for my burger with no pickles. I took a bite and said, "I definitely just bit into a pickle."

She looked at me and said, "Dill with it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wibbs1123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
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Dad jokes at the dinner table
  • Me: Decides to be adventurous at dinner, orders pasta with squid ink
  • My dad: β€œMy dinner is delicious, you should try some”
  • Me: β€œOnly if you try a bite of this pasta, it’s really good too”
  • My dad, who rarely tells jokes, starts smiling: β€œSo you’re suggesting a... squid pro quo?”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whysomanyemmas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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I have a friend who likes to make his own custom custards....

And he comes up to me one day and says "Hey Undope! I have this new custard I've been working on, and I think it's my best one yet! Would you like to try it?" And with me being a custard connoisseur, I happily agree, so he takes his sample he has on hand and gives it to me.

I take a bite and take my time, slowly judging the textures and flavors I would expect from a well crafted custard. He becomes mortified as a noticeable wince appears on my face and I struggle a little bit to put down the bite I took.

"Oh my gosh!" he cries. "Do you think it's bad!?"

I shake my head no in response, attempting not to hurt my friend's feelings.

"It's not terrible," I reply. "It's just kinda off-putting."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Undope
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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What do you call a boomerang made of teeth?

I don't remember the punchline and it's probably gonna come back to bite me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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One of my boy scouts asked me, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"

I said, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

I continued, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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Don't throw a snake like a boomerang.

It'll come back to bite you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, β€œNow you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams β€œTria-Gan!” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. β€œWhat did you say” asked the chief. β€œTria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

β€œHoly shit” said Bob β€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?”

β€œWell” said Frank, β€œmy Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernamemispeled
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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My coworker spent his life savings inventing a Tootherang, it's a boomerang combined with dentures.

I hope it doesn't come back to bite him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costello’sΒ radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen β€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother β€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, I’m not talking about that. What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, …
Lou Costello: That’s it, Abbott! He’s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editor’s note: we now call an β€œicebox” a β€œrefrigerator”)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Our dad named our dog "Fish."

Because he says, "It doesn't bite either."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.

It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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Did you hear about the guy going around biting everyone?

They caught him mid bite - it was an open and shut case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haas19
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shimaxed
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Jeff has had only one dream ever in his life, to become a train conductor.

Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.

Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.

Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!

After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.

The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.

Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.

BZZZZZZ

Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.

BZZZZZZ

Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.

Guard : "Excuse me um, J

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saspa314
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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I took my son to a Japanese place for dinner.

We ordered a beef dish cooked with soy sauce and sugar.

My son took a bite and decided he doesn’t like it. He spit it out and said: β€œThat tastes terrible! Yuck!”

I said: β€œYou can even call it terri-yucky”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimraynor0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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Never flush a snake down the toilet.

It’ll just come back to bite you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ollydudman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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There's a guy I work with who lost all his teeth and refuses to stop talking...

I asked him today "why don't you ever shut up?" He responded "I find it hard to bite my tongue"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Creepyroblowe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2015
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I'm allergic to sharks..

..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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Why do people not believe a tree when it claims that it's a mammal?

It was all bark, and no bite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boozerweight
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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The Goddess Mosquito

I currently have a very uncomfortable and inflamed bug bite on my foot. This morning while making my coffee, I noticed a fat mosquito walking around on the counter. I called my husband over to kill it.

He grabbed a napkin, killed it, and said, "Wow. That was definitely the Goddess Mosquito."

I obviously asked with genuine curiosity, "What's a Goddess Mosquito?"

He said,

"It's the one that got us."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/papyra
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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I regret buying a boomerang with teeth on my recent trip to Australia.

It came back to bite me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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What could be worse than biting an apple, and noticing that there's a worm in it ?

Biting an apple, and noticing that there's half a worm in it.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arklaw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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What’s the difference between a hot dog and a pit bull?

A pit bull bites the hand that feeds it, and a hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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