A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Easter Bunny end up in Santa's sleigh?

It was hoppenstance

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aguynamedbry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.

Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined it’s momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.

All credit goes to my coworker.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robertmmoore143
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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What starts, ends, and has T in the middle?

A teapot!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter....

St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."

He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"

The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".

St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"

The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."

"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"

The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".

"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atheistmil
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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I was only going to buy one budgie, but in the end I got two.

They were going cheep.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Why did the chess player worried towards the end of his meal in a restaurant?

Because the waiter said, "CHECK?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmanMegha2909
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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While playing Mortal Kombat in Sweden, what does the announcer say at the end of a fight?

Finnish Him!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanillathunda1989
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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I wanted to make a post with a joke about musical notes. I first attempted to use Do or Mi, but in the end I went with

a Re post.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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My girlfriend couldn’t stand my obsession with horoscopes. In the end it Taurus apart.

The irony is that I’m a Gemini.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnsobenj
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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Linkin Park have a song called Numb, but to me their In The End is Number song

It starts with 1

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arifshiddiq
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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I always wondered about the fight between Dio and Jotaro. Even though Dio had trained for months before facing him, Jotaro still destroyed him in the end

Ig he really didn't stand a chance

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverStoneX1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Breaking a leg during an audition ensures that you end up in the cast.
πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xddz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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I heard someone played Animal Crossing: New Horizons for so long on end they conked out with the console still in their hands.

Looks like someone fell asleep at the Switch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlastLeatherwing
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Arguing with your wife is like reading a software license agreement. In the end...

...you ignore it all and click, "I agree"!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
We may have Easter in spring, but in the opposite end of the year,

we have Wester

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy in a tracker just drive past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh!"

Must be Farmer Geddon

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrWulf360
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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Last night I told a girl " By the end of the night, I'm gonna get in your pants."

Long story short, they didn't fit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rvvl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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How did that guy end up at the bottom of the well in prison?

He felon

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoastalCon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end

The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in

πŸ‘︎ 315
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8791781927
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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Remember how Red Skull was being consumed by fire in the end of Captain America

Guess you could say he needed a fire HYDRAnt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/888prosperity
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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What is the only day that doesn't end in "y"?

Tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/monkeyviking
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Eventually, we’re all doomed to end up in super modern offices where the walls are whiteboards

The writing is on the wall

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GabeRothel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
All food ends up in the same place...

Either it goes to waste or it goes to waist

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebrodadman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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I never expected the vintage movie I was watching to end with everyone doing a dance popular in the early 60s which is inspired by rock and roll.

It was a twist ending.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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I went in the store to get 6 sprites but in the end i picked 7 up.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m81092
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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In the end, Flat Earthers only have 1 thing to fear...

And that is sphere itself

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurtistrippisdead
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Snap election in the UK? That could mean that June is the end of May!

(Theresa May is UK prime minister)

πŸ‘︎ 194
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TenNinetythree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe...

Toward the Finnish line

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BiggiePhats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Towards the end of December, I saw Bobby Fischer and Gary Kasparov in a hotel lobby, both saying they were the better chess player.

That's the best thing about Christmas - chess nuts boasting on an open foyer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter was acting up so I stuck one end of a piece if wire in the ground and told her to hold the other end.

Now she's grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brophyg4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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How did the picture end up in jail.

It got Framed

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SunfuryPlayZ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad struggles to tread water in the deep end

β€œI can’t stand it here!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexanderplam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I was waiting ages to play snooker the other night but gave up in the end

The cue was too long

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lsharpe23
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
🚨︎ report
"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" asked my son. "Ravens have seventeen wing feathers with the end feather called a pinion, in contrast to crows having only sixteen wing feathers." I answered.

I continued, "Therefore, it's just a matter of a pinion."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the Australian bartender tell the Chess player in the end?

Check-mate

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/9fmaverick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection. In the end I decided to let him go.

However, I still hold The Grudge.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
The thing to learn from spider cannibalism is that when you spin webs, in the end

You weave what you sew

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Two Greek people had a poetry contest. One of them wrote an excellent poem conveying deep emotions. The other person's poem is just one-character long. In the end, the short poem won

because it is just beta.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/louisng114
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A mathematician sold me an end table, which I put in my living room. When I came in the next day, there were over a dozen of them!

Turns out it was a multiplication table.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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What US state is round at the ends and high in the middle?

Ohio

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielnm1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end.

Lifeguard noticed. Blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dottree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the picture end up in jail?

It was framed!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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