'My wife is on a plane to Illinois.'

'Chicago?'

'Nah, she passenger.'

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📅︎ May 07 2021
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In Illinois, it's illegal to have legal possesion over fecal matter of any sort.

Can't have shit in Detroit.

👍︎ 11
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📅︎ Dec 30 2020
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I was driving from Illinois to Oklahoma but I got lost.

I've been in a state of Missouri ever since.

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📅︎ Dec 27 2020
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Dickson Illinois
👍︎ 11
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📅︎ May 14 2019
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I hear people from Illinois get mad when you pronounce the S,

It really ill-annoys them.

👍︎ 2k
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📅︎ Oct 01 2014
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Texan came to visit my farm in Southern Illinois and asked me how many acres I had.

I said "about 500".

Texan said: "I can get in my truck and drive all day and never get off my property!"

I said:"yeah, I had a truck like that."

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📅︎ May 08 2018
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Good News for Illinois Coffers
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📅︎ Nov 24 2018
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Hey dad I'm still missing an Illinois quarter.

"I'll just remember Sick-o-Sound."

'What?'

"You know Ill-of-noise, sick of sound"

"..."

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👤︎ u/natecrch
📅︎ Feb 14 2019
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90% of the pumpkins in the USA are raised within a ninety mile radius of Peoria, Illinois. That's gourd to know.
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📅︎ Oct 17 2016
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What would they have called Illinois if it wasn't so flat?

Hillinois

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👤︎ u/Das_HerpE
📅︎ May 11 2015
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My dad lives in the town of Macomb Illinois, a lot of people aren't familiar with the location...

When people ask where to find Macomb he'll usually respond with 'in mapocket, next to mabrush' gets me every time.

👍︎ 2
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📅︎ Dec 25 2015
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If you are sad and angry, what American state are you from?

Illinois.

Edit: I meant sick, not sad. Whoops

👍︎ 6
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📅︎ Jun 23 2020
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Designated Driver

I'm not usually one for bars, but since the smoking ban in Illinois, they're not so bad. I'm not much of a drinker either, but this one place in particular offers free soft drinks for designated drivers of groups of three or more. You have to get them from a location separate from the bartender. You declare yourself upon entering the place, then your hand is marked, and from that point, you're not allowed alcohol, but you get the free soft drinks.

Their specialty is their own brand of a mixed fruit drink that's really good. It's popular enough that you're usually standing behind six or seven people to wait your turn. So, Saturday night, while I'm waiting for mine, this cute blonde walks up behind me. I figured I'd try to be witty and asked her, "Can I buy you a drink?"

She scowled at me with, "Well aren't you the funny one?"

"What's with the attitude?" I asked her.

"Sorry," she said. "It's them." And she thumbed toward a table with (would you believe it?) a brunette and a redhead.

"Why?" I asked. "What'd they do?"

"I'm just getting sick of it," she said. "Every time we come here, it's always me in the punch line."

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👤︎ u/Myntrith
📅︎ Apr 15 2015
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Dad on road trip lunch

Driving through Illinois, everybody is hungry.

Mom to little brother: "Nick, we're almost to Effingham." Dad: "I don't want no f-ing ham."

Makes me optimistic that this talent will manage to be passed on to me some day.

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📅︎ Jul 07 2014
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Dad joked my own dad.

We were in Illinois when we go to see some family out in the "country." So as we are driving through rows of corn fields (and it was late at night, we were in the middle of now where), I turned to my dad and said, "Ever since watching "Children of the Corn," driving through rows of corn has always been a bit ear-y." He didn't know how to respond...

Edit: "

👍︎ 11
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📅︎ Sep 05 2014
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I see these protest signs everywhere. I don't think they're working

Maybe they should change their message

My dad says this all the time. Still never gets old. We live in Illinois so this is like our state motto.

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📅︎ Dec 31 2014
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A dad joke from my dad on father's day

My family was on our way to a local Mexican restaurant and we were discussing a town called Park Ridge.

"well you know they call Park Ridge the Christmas town of Illinois, right?"

"why?"

"and a Park Ridge in a pear tree!"

👍︎ 9
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📅︎ Jun 15 2014
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While driving from Oklahoma to Illinois, I got lost on the way.

I've been in a state of Missouri ever since.

👍︎ 9
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📅︎ Dec 27 2020
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