I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a baseball bat.

I said, β€œOi, what’s your game?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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Why should you never ice skate on a duck pond?

Because the ice might quack.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foamy07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!

If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunkyFaz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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My daughter wanted to buy her own ice-skates and asked "Where's a good place to find cheap skates?"

www.JDate.com

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datasinc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2015
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What do you call ice skating in the summer?

Swimming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DSGD27
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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How is music like ice skating?

If you don’t C-sharp, you’ll be B-flat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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My boss found out I applied a job to be ice skating coach

Now I am on thin ice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryonnsan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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I went out on a first date with this girl. We went ice skating but we got kicked out.

We were starting to break the ice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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I was going to have an ice skating party...

but it fell through.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wisc_lib
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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Why did the hipster fall in the lake?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ivegot_back
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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My dad just dad-joked the Olympics

While watching the ice skating competition...

"I hope these judges take their time."

"Why?"

"There's no need to be Russian to make a decision."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patientbearr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2014
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Dadjoked my date last night

Went ice skating, she was wearing gloves that were meant to resemble Koala bears. I told her they wouldn't let her in if she was wearing them. She looked at me, bewildered.. so I informed her that her gloves didn't meet the koalifications.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clutchmasterflex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
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Granddad just reeled off this burn:

Got on to the subject of ice skating after dinner, when my granddad told us that "you can have nasty accidents at ice rinks... Me and your grandma first met at one"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalumW
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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little sister was 'skating' on the polished floor.

sis: dad look, ice skating!

dad: no no, dear, you say: I AM skating.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gendermouse
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2013
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FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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Fell into a generational dad joke pattern

My dad passed recently. He was the king of the silly sayings.

Was taking my grandson to go ice skating. We were running late and caught myself saying "We're off, like a herd of turtles!". Something my dad used to say ALL the time. Made me nostalgic...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ssn697
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
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Winter Olympics

Watching the Olympics tonight and I had a perfect opportunity.

TV shows the outside of the figure skating arena.

Wife: that building is soo cool.

Me: that is how they keep the ice in skating condition after all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatMitchJ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2014
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Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ducks420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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Why did the hipster fall into the lake ?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 386
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SideOfInsanity
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster drown

He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blobty
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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The hipster from next door drowned.

He went ice skating before it was cool.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SunportEnclave
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating on a pond before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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