Host: what are you?
Me: I'm a harp.
Host: Your costumes too small to be a harp.
Me: are you calling me a lyre!?
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so - I've been working out!"
I recently had some workers in my apartment installing new windows. They said they would be done by 11:30 and I had noticed them doing 2 apartments a day so I assume lunch is at 11:30. It's 11:45 and I am walking by one of them and he says "I'm hungry", and without even looking up I said "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."
The groans were quite loud, but there was at least one laugh.
edit: No, I did not get the chance to touch a window and say ouch, because of the window pain. I regret it.
Remember, never tell anyone your soulcial security number
My daughter: Really, dad, you're so dramatic!
Me: (quietly, through clenched teeth) If I'm too dramatic....THEN. GOD. HELP. US. ALL...
Laying in bed post-coitus. Me: So what did you say about naptime? Wife: I haven't said anything about naptime. Me: Like I said when you were talking about naptime... Wife: I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT NAPTIME!! Me: What do you mean? You just mentioned it twice! Her: hits me violently with a pillow I'm gonna smother you...
https://i.imgur.com/uNycdzx.jpg
"Dad, it's not a flock of cows."
"OK, a pride of cows then"
"Not that either, why are you so lame?"
"I dunno, a gaggle of cows?"
"Dad, it's a herd of cows. Herd of cows!"
"Course I've heard of cows. Look at that gaggle over there"
Was much harder work than expected.
My wife and I had dinner with a plastic surgeon friend. He told us about a time when he had to spend 10 hours re-attaching someone's hand that had been clean severed at the wrist.
I told him, "When it was done, did you tell the patient that you were glad you could lend a hand?"
http://i.imgur.com/P7Iytyq.jpg
At the checkout at Sear's, this kinda goofy older gentelman was ringing me up and he was walking me through all the prompts on how to slide my card, press OK, etc. He finally jokes to turn to the left then turn to the right.
I tell him, " You know, I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey... but I turned myself around." He erupted with a guffaw as if it was the funniest he had heard all day.
I hope this hasn't been posted yet here. If it has, sorry, it's hard to search. http://i.imgur.com/oucmv3f.jpg
Get it? I'm a joke to my dad.
I'll show my way out.
...You may roll your eyes at that, but wait until you see it in real life.
Then it would be IRL IRL IRL.
(...I gotta admit, he got me on that one.)
It's a real subwoofer.
https://i.imgur.com/rrFViXT.jpg
So let me set the scene. Me and a friend are sitting at wendy's (were both 17) and this old gentleman walks in. He orders his food, sits down to eat it, then out of no where, gets up and comes over to us. He continues to tell us how he saw someone fall off his bike on the walk here, he goes to walk away, and he says "wait, if anyone ever tells you to go to the doctor cause you're sick, and that doctors name is doctor duck, don't do it because he's a quack." My friend was dying laughing and I just groaned.
http://imgur.com/GpiC2Is
