They heard it was booming
He got caught posting Elf-ies
I guess you could say I like being punished
dOnT wOrRy iM pAtIeNt (just the popular joke,not stolen)
He asked me if my friend was single and I said "You better check-mate"
[Link] (https://www.google.com/search?q=image+of+the+word+gottem&oq=image+of+the+word+gottem&aqs=chrome..69i57j33l3.5289j0j9&client=ms-android-htc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#imgrc=_qE-mtWpN0cj1M)
Until I fell into the sink (ie the basin for the yanks).
He heard there was a lot of scratching involved.
I just texted this to my wife, and she told me to get away from her. xD
I came up with this one as I was looking at my son's mouse pad he got for christmas. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DGXR859/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Paint-ies!
A prayer-ie.
"Well, let me see. There's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolf, and ... and... There are only 9 reindeer mentioned in the song."
"Nope. There's 10. You forgot 'Olive'."
"'Olive'? There's not a reindeer named 'Olive'."
"Yes there is. '♫ Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...♫'
With 'guac'ie-talkies.
So I gave him a smooth-ie to cure him
Check out Google's suggestion when you search "anagram"
She was the big spoon.
She says to me: "no farting allowed!"
My response: "how about a-quiet?"
edit: For those asking: "allowed" sounds like "a loud" as in a loud fart. "a quiet" would be a quiet fart ie: silent but deadly
Because he might Pikachu!
I used to get to do these all the times. When the drawer got stuck I would wrestle the obstruction inside blocking it and exclaim that this would not be a problem if we just had a lesser cheese grater...I began to love bombing there for a while. Ah...
Edit- no one got the grater joke then either, don't feel bad. but it was on the spot so it didn't need all the setup i ruined here. Try this for your brains: Our drawers often had a lot of utensils and stuff in them, and some of it was also big, like the cheese grater. That would get jostled and end up on top of a fork pile or whatever and be up high enough in the drawer to keep the thing from opening, ie the drawer would open to where the grater hit the back of it and jam the works up, right? the grater was too great. i needed a lesser grater so the drawer wouldnt get jammed. Did that help?
Because they're COP-ies!
Precedent -> President -> Anarchy
Anyone: "I'm gonna run to the store, do you want anything?" Dad: "Wouldn't it be faster if you took the car?"
Anyone: "...it was sent U.P.S." Dad: "you mean Oops? (ups)"
Anyone: "....would I!?" Dad: "Harelip!"
Anyone: "is it okay if I smoke?" Dad: "why?, are you on fire?"
Anyone: "I think I've got something in my eye" Dad: "It's your finger"
Anyone: "Did you rotate the tires?" Dad: "Nah, they spin when I'm driving"
Anyone: (anything that even nearly rhymes with "badges", ie, "matches") Dad: "Matches? We don need no stinkeen matches!"
Anyone: "Where are you at?" Dad: "I'm right here. Where are you at?"
Me: "I want to make a magic-themed Canadian restaurant called 'Harry Poutine-ies.'"
Brother groaned, but then:
Brother: "What would you call a fish dish there? E-skate Artist?"
Me: "...Abra-cod-abra."
Brother: "F&!%"
Bought this Santa toilet seat cover for the downstairs bathroom
Asked roommate if he liked it
Roommate: "It's nice, but is it a Santatary?"
I was riding my bike home at night after work and I stopped at McD's to grab a burger. I was wearing my headlamp and an old man that was in the lobby asked me "Does that ever make you feel light-headed?" I groaned and congratulated him on being a grand dad.
Here's our soap.
