I'd also like to thank my legs for always supporting me
My doctor told me I'd ran out of magnesium
I went to a restaurant, where a waiter found me a table and asked if I'd like to see a dessert menu.
I said, "No, that's the last thing I want!"
People told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they turned out lovely
I'd have to say that learning how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me
People told me I'd never get over my Phil Collins obsession
But take a look at me now.
In a safety meeting at work they asked me what steps I'd take in a fire
Apparently "Really big and fast ones" was the wrong answer.
Me and My friend David went on a plane David lost his ID his legal name is now Dave.
This is not a repost my friend told me this one.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
I'd like to say that the ladies over at /r/cricut love me, but...
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
My friend asked me if I'd ever encountered Zinc, Copper and Gold. I lied.
I actually haven't metal of them.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the kitty litter?
...i said, no but if i do I'll make sure to have a talk with him about how bad that is for the environment.
My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...
I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"
(true story) my dad called me today to say I'd be inheriting a clock that's been in the family for generations
He told me it originally belonged to his grandfather, and it happened to also be a grandfather clock
I said "well then, it's not just a grandfather clock, is it?"
He asked what I meant
I said "it's a great grandfather clock"
He groaned, but conceded the laugh at the end
I have a friend who's a koala, named Kerry. She really loves her tea. One time, she told me "I love to climb mountains, but I'd really love to drink my tea on Everest of all of them." when I asked why, she replied,
"then it would be the highest koala tea!"
My girlfriend thought I'd be lonely after she broke up with me,
Little did she know that I immediately bought stocks just to have some company.
I'd just finished making German gingerbread biscuits when my heavily pregnant wife's waters broke. This is our first child. She told me to bring the biscuits to the hospital as a snack.
They're labour-kuchen.
.
.
.
.
Am I ready?
I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.
I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.
My daughter asked me if I'd watch a documentary on cows with her.
I told her I'd love to see a dairy good mootion picture.
A mean man told me I'd never be a lemon or a lime
I told my manager that I'd quit because they weren't giving me enough training.
"OK, you know where the door is," he said.
"No, I don't," I replied.
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
Interviewer asked me if I'd be a good waiter...
Well, you could say I bring a lot to the table.
I promised my wife I'd follow her into the afterlife if she died, but it took me longer than expected.
"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."
A traffic cop went to the trouble of leaving a note under the wipers to let me know I'd positioned my car correctly.
It said "Parking fine". So that was nice.
I'd like to thank my legs for always supporting me, my arms for always being by my side and my fingers...
I could always count on them.
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
I'm a trucker. My dispatcher texted me to ask if I'd picked up a load of frozen toast. This was my response...
20,000lb of frozen bread so clearly I'm loafing along and a gluten for punishment.
Bad puns are the yeast of my problems. This load takes me to the upper crust, but if I don't get it in on time I'm toast!
Sorry about my rye sense of humor...
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
I once debated a flat earthed. He got me so mad I stormed off, saying I'd come back around eventually.
You could say I went over the edge.
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...
Against my better judgement, I ordered a European bride. When I called and asked how long I'd have to wait, they told me...
"The Czechs in the mail."
My wife didn't believe me when i said I'd made a car from spaghetti.
Should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
- literally my dad right now
When I was asleep, my best friend whom I'd trust with my life robbed me of everything except the shoes on my feet.
He left me with trusty shoes.
Someone asked me if I'd heard of Pavlov's dog.
I told him it rang a bell.
The guy that sold me my Christmas tree asked if I'd be putting it up myself...
...nah mate. I'll be putting it in the living room.
I know a guy who know’s a guy. I had him make me a fake ID card with a different name.
My alias was Justin Case.
Me: I wish I'd gotten high before we got here
They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic
But so far I've made 2 vases and a jug, and they are lovely.
They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I'd parked my car correctly...
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I'd like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
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