To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 02 2020
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Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 25 2020
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Ain’t nothing but a heart break
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Punk_Rasputin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 18 2020
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"I love you from my heart to-ma-toes"
πŸ‘οΈŽ 600
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 17 2020
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Heart transplant is a really heart touching surgery

Yeah that was it

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/its_boogeyman
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 23 2020
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I would like to see a heart attack
πŸ‘οΈŽ 36
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/EthanoicAcid2203
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 27 2020
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There was a post about a teen holding his own heart in his hands after a heart transplant, I thought these comments belonged here
πŸ‘οΈŽ 42
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FireNationed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 27 2020
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What vegetable lives in your heart?

Beets.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GreatGreenGobbo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 17 2020
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My girlfriend that I loved with all my heart left me while I was in the bathroom screaming with constipation.

It was the hardest dump I ever took.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 15 2020
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The nurse made my heart skip a beat

It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jubulus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 12 2020
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My grandfather had the heart of a lion

And a permanent ban from the nearby zoo

πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jayraj77
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 20 2020
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During an autopsy, why are the heart, kidneys, liver and lungs arranged alphabetically?

So they are organ-ized.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 440
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 12 2020
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Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/EggNogAgenda
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2020
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You want to know the way to my heart?

A scalpel and a bone saw.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/the_houser
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 10 2020
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Dad has a heart attack

Dad:has a heart attack

Dad:Call me an ambulance...

Son: uhhh... You're an ambulance....

Dad:....

Dad: That's my boy...dead

πŸ‘οΈŽ 160
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/microblue00
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 18 2020
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Which kidney to take?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/steeltitan1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 05 2020
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COVID-19 can cause damage to the brain, heart, and lungs.

Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 02 2020
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This year..
πŸ‘οΈŽ 59
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mr_chanandler_bong_1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2020
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I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...

He re-Poe-ed them.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 01 2020
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I find that the quickest way to man's heart

is with a very very sharp knife.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wreckage88
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 23 2020
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I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

But the fifth oneβ€” dead Sirius.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 44
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 26 2020
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My horoscope said my heart would be broken in 12 years time.

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up !

πŸ‘οΈŽ 52
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 23 2020
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What does an upside down heart look like?

Nobody nose

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 03 2020
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My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:

β€œNo more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes”

I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times

πŸ‘οΈŽ 139
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Pranske3
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 31 2020
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My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.

Cannot believe Gaviscon

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/schwifty98
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 10 2020
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My friend and I were playing golf. He hit the flagpole on the shot and said β€œthat gave me a heart attack!”

I told him β€œactually that was a stroke”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dingdongdan69
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 05 2020
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He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/stunner19
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 11 2020
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What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 30 2020
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My dad had a failing heart and refused to get surgery.

But in the end, he had a change of heart.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jazst
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 10 2020
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A sailor wrote a book about how to win a woman’s heart

It’s called β€œThe Art of Seaduction”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 22 2020
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I could never become a heart surgeon. Why?

I wouldn’t have the heart to do it

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hungry-fangirl
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 22 2020
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

show more
πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 05 2020
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Her: Be mean to me. [heart eyes emoji] Him: You're average.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Houseofbluelight
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 26 2020
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My friend created an artificial heart from stuff he got from a mine and an old pistol...

The heart is a vital ore-gun.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 14 2020
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I stole this girl's heart

I was arrested shortly after for murder

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mystic_Frost69
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 03 2020
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Steve Irwin died the way he lived -
  • with animals in his heart.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 35
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ElZoof
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 19 2020
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Dont blame other for the road you're on.

That's your own asphalt.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Nishireko
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 26 2020
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Please accept my Heart Felt thanks.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MrShaunce
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 27 2020
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The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is a little painstaking.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 87
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 20 2020
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My Grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheGregGreg
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 12 2020
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I have the eye of a tiger and the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘οΈŽ 216
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 22 2020
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My grandpa has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ThaCrimsonChinn
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 02 2020
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My old grandad has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Yankee9Niner
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 11 2020
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 26
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 17 2020
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I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

The fifth one was dead sirius.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 08 2019
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My horoscope told me I was going to be heart broken in 12 years

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BOT_MX
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 08 2020
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I have the heart of a lion…

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 58
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/professorf
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 29 2020
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My son has the heart of a lion....

And a lifetime ban from the zoo!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Aka_Pineapple
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 27 2020
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