Knock knock.
Who's there?
One.
One who?
....three four
I told him to multiply both sides by 1/4 and simplify. Then solve for i. He looked at me and said "No Dad...solve for me". He's going to be a great Dad someday
Prepping dinner the other day:
Me: hey these aren't peas. Something called mukimame? Son (5 y.o.): is that like edamame? Me: I think maybe? Dunno, I'm not an expert on mames. Daughter (7 y.o.): yeah, because you're a dade!
I've never been a prouder father than in that moment.
I sucked at it.
Kid: Can I have $10? You: Pull the bill out of your pocket and say: I have a joke about this bill… But you won’t get it
The Carroty Kid
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
Dad: "No, you did great!"
That's when everything went downhill.
So some birds were flying over us in that V-shape they tend to fly in, and my old man looked up, almost in awe, and said to me:
Dad: Wow, look at those birds, son. See how they fly in that V shape?
Me (in a genuine child-like awe): Yeah, that's cool, dad.
Dad: See how one side of the V is longer than the other?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: You know why that is?
Me: No, why?
Dad: Cause there are more birds on that side, dumbass.
But other words, not so much.
Because he's very Andy.
I was told this belonged here..
When I was about 13 yrs old, I was playing basketball at the rec league by my house. During one of the games, an opponent was fouled. So we are lined up waiting for him to shoot his foul shots, and my coach sends in a substitute player for me. So I'm jogging towards the bench. When I get about 10-15ft away from the bench, I tripped and slide head-first into the bench. The whole gym let's out an, "ooohhh....", and just as it gets quiet, my dad stands up on the other side of the gym and like an umpire in baseball yells, "SAFE!"
After the game, I yelled at him for it. His response... "Hey, I could've called you 'out!'"
I told her "that's just Confirmation bias"
I’m a super-spreader.
Because they know how to appreciate a good tangent
it takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
I can do it with my eyes closed.
A trip with no kids.
A trumpet :)
I'm a big guy in the southern US and my big black winter jacket makes me look HUGE. I normally only wear it when I visit family up north. It got cold enough today to wear it and I thought I'd be funny. On our way out the door I belt out "SO LONG AS I WEAR THIS JACKET, YOU WILL REFER TO ME AS KINGPIN AND NOTHING ELSE"
Immediately: "OK nothing else! Nice to meet you nothing else!" [5 hours later] I'm done with my chores nothing else!".
They're so proud of themselves. Har har.
You’ll get jurasskicked
Yes, he replies, you can't use it.
John replies, "awesome, can I borrow your tennis racket, seeing as though you won't be using it?"
He said: “Dad can’t you just use a sponge?”
Flutter by !
Because it is 2 child dish.
Good Boo!
Brought to you by my 6-yearold kid.
I told him it is between 8AM and 1PM
Hi, everyone!
I’m a middle school teacher and my school is doing a charity event where teachers team up with students to complete a series of challenges. Every team has a costume and a funny name. My students’ costume selection is pink cowgirl (rodeo shirt, pink skirt, pink hat, boots, etc). They’ve asked me to come up with a pun for our team name and I’m struggling. Can anyone help me out here?
I’m looking for family friendly puns only please! These are kids!
TIA!!!!
There’s not mushroom for error
It was two tired.
It’s a total rip-off.
I kid you not.
I was halfway to work when I realized I forgot my car.
Because they are good buoys
Well, tell him he's getting very good at it..
Because I ain't got any kids!!
She's been rejoicing ever since
Yeah, he pasta way.
I'd take her to a doctor, but we need the milk.
-It means you are happy.
“So are you gay, Dad?”
-Ofcourse not, I have a wife
The man pulls out a handkerchief. He coughs and hacks into it and - a coin falls out of his mouth!
The doctor pulls out a magnifying glass and examines the coin. It's a piece of outdated Danish currency, with FREDERIK IX KONGE AF DANMARK stamped around the rim.
"Ah, I see," the doctor says. "Another case of kronervirus."
It had a fair retail ending.
If you don’t, they’ll just go in one year and right out the other.
They're wheely good at it. It leaves the kids tired.
“A cat” I said. “Cats love fish.
