My friend wanted to ask a girl out, but every time he'd get her on the phone he'd freak out and abruptly disconnect..

He had too many hang-ups.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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I freak out when I go through a tunnel, but only when someone else is driving.

Doctor says I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/frinxo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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It was about rape so the pun is better. Original post https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/bq2qvn/peta_parent_freaks_out_at_my_animal_abusing_ways/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheFluDisease
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 18 2019
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Talking to my GF " so I got this from a chick at work today" (hand her a piece of paper) daughter freaks out in the background, "a chick?!? I wanna see I wanna see can I hold it?" Lmao
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/justcurious-serious
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Why did the neat-freak tree cry out when his friend got cut down?

Because he sawdust.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/matttk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
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My sister is freaked out by the Apocalypse.

She's an aponeurosis.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hzrrrow
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......

Now Iโ€™m two hours late and I donโ€™t even like Jim Carey

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/carpet_tart
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?

Re:LAX

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Raptavis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Our birth coach just cancelled, my wife is due any day now, and we're freaking out!

We're having a midwife crisis.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rememberlans
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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Three dudes walked into a bank wearing masks, and everybody freaked out.

They said, "This is a robbery," and everybody relaxed a little.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/roguebuckeye
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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There is this new book everyone seems to be freaking out about.

I think it's the novel Coranavirus?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cTreK-421
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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A cousin of mine is in charge of distribution for this big pickle company; he was freaking out over the weekend after sending only miniature pickle chips to a restaurant that asked for full sized ones..

They told him it wasn't a big dill, though.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Y33T-HAW
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out when I noticed all the blankets on my bed were missing.

I was scared sheetless.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 40
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FlySupaFly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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I told my parents I had a terminal illness and they freaked out.

Since when is getting a headache at the airport such a big deal?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LadenStarfish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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I'm freaking out because I didn't study for my ornithology exam.

Guess I'll just have to wing it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BizzareCzar
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2019
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My 40-year old pregnant wife was freaking out in deciding which woman she wanted to assist her with childbirth.

I said, "relax honey! You're just having a mid-wife crisis."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2019
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The Abominable Snowman has been freaking out over little things lately.

I think he has anxiyeti.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Elementerch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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My wife was in jail, so I decided to go for a conjugal visit. The kids started freaking out, though.

Best game of Monopoly ever.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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For this yearโ€™s Thanksgiving, I decided to shoot my own turkey.

Everyone at the frozen food aisle started freaking out though.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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I don't know why everyone is freaking out about the new Iron Man

The character has always been a Fe Male

๐Ÿ‘︎ 91
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/confibulator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2016
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When the famous chef discovered he had none of the key ingredients for his chowder left, he really freaked out.

It was a clam-ity.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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My friend came over freaking out

He kept repeating "I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee." I told him "calm down man, you're two tents."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/swion
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2016
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This morning instead of getting the Vodka bottle I accidentally got the water bottle

I started freaking out thinking that I lost my taste

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/psikomanjak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I freaked out after my wife told me she was pregnant.

I was having amid-wife crisis. Nine months later, she suddenly went into labor. I frantically tried to find someone to come to our home and deliver the baby. It was midwife crisis.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ErwinFurwinPurrwin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
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My son was freaking out because he couldn't find his belt to wear to school

To console him, I suggested that perhaps he might win the No Belt prize.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ToynbeeDoob
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
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I had bunch of lumps on my skin

My friends started freaking out. They wouldnโ€™t stop either. So I said โ€œ I incyst you donโ€™t abscess over this

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Haywired4
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_thundernugs_
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2020
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I think my husband may be a racist.

He freaked out when he found out my boyfriend is Black.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sarcasticpremed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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I told my wife I'll never vaccinate our kids

She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!"

I told her:

"I would rather have a doctor do that"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iTzMoys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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2/3 is a passing grade

but when I lose one of my three kids, everyone freaks out like I did something horrible. ๐Ÿ˜’

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OratioFidelis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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This is a little long so get ready

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."

The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.

A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."

Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."

A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"

Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"

The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"

~this is my first post so โ•ฎ(โ”€โ–ฝโ”€)โ•ญ ~

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theresnogoodname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery....

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them "I understand....I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."

Never seen anyone run so fast.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 157
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/viperfour
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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My dad told me this just now

Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon

Me: Oh jeez

Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed

Me: Oh my god what happened

Dad: He ran out of gas

๐Ÿ‘︎ 63
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ZAP_Riptide
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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A older man was slowly becoming sicker and sicker as time went on....

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week

One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.

Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.

When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,

It was that damn coffin that killed him

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ItsArgon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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Had a conversation with my buddy about the Eli movie on Netflix, I think I did it right (Spoiler warning)

Buddy: Wait, so their idea was, "Your son is the devil, we can fix that with a bone marrow transplant and a virus?"

Me: No, I think they were lying about the retrovirus and just putting holy water and stuff into the marrow to exorcise him. That is my guess because they were just nuns, not real doctors.

Buddy: But, when he was freaking out at the end didn't the nurse say, "The gene therapy would have worked, but he was just too strong!"

Me: Oh yeah, maybe they had some of Jesus's DNA. So, instead of the CRISPR gene they use the CHRISTR gene....

I got an eye roll! No kids yet, but at least I know I can rise to the occasion.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/P-Ritch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

๐Ÿ‘︎ 818
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LeftHandedToe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
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My grandfatherโ€™s last wish was that we scatter his remains in the sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out though, because we didnโ€™t cremate him.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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/r/baseball did not appreciate my post - I think itโ€™s better suited here anyway

I have a bunch of stupid baseball questions. I know most of the rules, I just want to make sure I have all my bases covered.

  • Imagine thereโ€™s a fan of the team that is currently fielding in the stands, and that said fan has a prosthetic arm. The batter hits a pitch and sends it on a home-run trajectory into the stands. If the fan in the stands throws his arm at the ball and diverts it back in the field of play, can they rightfully say that they were just โ€œlending the team a handโ€ by stopping the home run?

  • Consider the exact opposite situation - the fanโ€™s team is at bat and the batter hits a fly ball to the outfield. If Elastagirl from the Incredibles just happened to be the fan in question, can she spring into action and catch the ball before the outfielder has the chance to?

  • Now, imagine I smuggled a water gun into the stadium on a particularly hot day, and I managed to squirt sticky black liquid onto the batter. Does that mean he can take a walk since he was โ€œhit by pitchโ€?

  • Consider the freak circumstance where a ball in motion collides with a bird, causing it to spiral in its descent and eventually collide in turn with an umpire. Can the player responsible for the ballโ€™s motion be ejected from the game due to repeatedly flipping the bird at an umpire?

  • Can a losing team sub out their man on the mound with a large quantity of beer to prolong the game? Thereโ€™d still be a pitcher on the mound!

  • If a pitcher throws a slider into the strike zone and the batter doesnโ€™t swing, should the umpire consider it a strike, a ball, or the catcherโ€™s dinner?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/grumpy_princess
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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So I was getting gas today..

And I saw a woman smoking while she was fueling. I'm sitting there in dismay when I look over at another pump and see two cops leaning against their car eating hotdogs.

I start giving them this look of "don't you see this? Are you going to do anything?" they seemed unconcerned.

Just as I look back to the woman, I see her arm had caught fire and she's freaking out, flaling her arm around trying to put it out. Suddenly the cops tackle her, putting out the fire and then they arrest her.

I asked them "well, why the hell are you arresting her for? Isn't getting burned bad enough? One of the cops just looked at me and said

"She was waving around a firearm! "

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cresano
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2017
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The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/heythereanny
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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Like most parents, my wife and I love to watch our beautiful little daughter while she sleeps.

Freaks her husband out though.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 80
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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There's this crackhead in my neighborhood...

There's this crackhead in my neighborhood who is so skinny, everyone calls him "Ribs." Overall he's pretty harmless, but one day we were sitting in the front yard with our toddler in the playpen and he wanted to make the case that we should hire him to babysit. He picked up my son and started making his pitch. Most people would probably freak out as this point, but I just calmly looked at him and said politely, "I want my baby back, Ribs."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 42
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mrthatsthat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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I think my brother is ready for kids.

"Everyone's freaking out that Matt Damon is bourne again, who cares what his religion is. He's just an actor."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShakesOfMilk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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It's not windchill

It's wind-freak-the-fuck-out

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/buttengine
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I shot my first turkey today.

Everyone at the frozen food section started freaking out though.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 73
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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