A list of puns related to "Find My Phone"
Me: I'll just call it.
Her: you can't, it's on silent.
Me: well, if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.
I got smacked for that one.
If you want it, you should have put a ring on it.
Hey dad- could you call my phone?
Dad: Sure. What should I call it?
I couldn't find my phone in the house. My dad told me to call it so I'd be able to locate it. "It's on silent," I said. To which my dad responded, "If you like it you should put a ring on it." and proceeded to laugh while I stood mortified.
He said "because chicks love a man with power."
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡Actual scenario:
Me-“I can’t find my phone.”
Him-“have you checked your butt? Because I hear it can store a bunch of crap.”
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
...and he gets into the first big fight with Orm where he gets pretty beat up. My kids look worried, so I say, "This is an emergency. He should call 9-1-1." My 7 year-old son immediately says, "No. Phones don't work underwater."
Me: "That's right. He needs to find a talktopus."
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit ➡...so today he called Jeff in the "Door Department" (his words, not mine) to find out what's up. Turns out, the doors were shipped and have been waiting at the local store for a week.
My dad, fighting back tears and a fit of laughter, says to the employee on the other end of the phone: "No worries, I'm sure you guys are busy this time of year; you probably were just in a bit of a jamb".
My wife: can you call my phone? I can't find it
Daughter: MOMMY'S PHOOONNNNE!!
And now I'm sitting here with a huge grin while my wife is glaring at me
What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.
If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.
Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.
I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.
Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.
I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *
Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.
I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.
Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.
Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?
Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.
Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?
Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.
Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.
Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"
I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.
So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
When you get an infection, urine trouble.
"Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."
How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."
Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.
Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *
*My absolut
... keep reading on reddit ➡About 8/10 when my dad was checking out at the grocery store or best buy or somthing with a rewards card he would do the same dad joke (which I now find hilarious). If the cashier was a woman, this would go down:
>Cashier: Your total is $x.xx. Do you have a rewards card with us?
>Dad: uhh...I don't think so...
>Cashier: Well what's your phone number?
>Dad: Sorry I don't just give my number out I'm married.
idk if this counts but it was one of my dad's go-to's and the amount of times he did it combined w/ the eye roll punchline made it one to me.
Teenage me cringed, probably gonna do it myself at some point now. I accept my dad joke fate.
So I was looking for my phone a few days ago (I had plans with a friend) and I asked my Dad to call it, since the ringtone would go off and reveal where it was. Me: "Hey Dad, can you call my phone? I can't find it." Dad: "Sure Minihawking" "Minihawking's phone! Minihawking's phone!" "There, I called it, but it didn't respond!" "I'm serious Dad, I have to leave in a bit" "Hi there 'serious Dad I have to leave in a bit', I'm Dad!" At first I was a bit upset that he wasn't helping (I was in a hurry), but it was rather funny now that I think of it.
I'm going through r/dadjokes to find some appropriate for an 8yo. She tried to take my phone and I tell her she can't because there are some with dirty words and her awesome reply is
"They didn't take a shower?"
Me: I just go on reddit during my breaks. I find it a good way to pass time on my phone without using heaps of data like tumblr does Sister: That's true.. but I mainly just read fanfics Me: I'm trying to not read fabrics bc I have so many books to read Sister: Lol you read fabrics? Me: Nah, reddit has better threads than fabrics
Yesterday, my dad was talking to a colleague on the phone, and I heard him say "I can't find the footnote, it should say 'edited by [another colleague's name]'". So I got a marker, wrote the information on my foot, went up to him and said "I found the footnote" and showed him my foot. I got a thumbs up and a grin. Success.
Find one that claims that it can charge an iPhone 5 times, to which my dad says:
"Those batteries better not be Li-ion to us."
As I'm sure many of you can remember (or not), senior prom was one of the most exciting events of our pre-real world existence. However, in order to get to the actual event, there were three significant steps that needed to be taken care of:
I work as a front desk associate for a major hotel chain that has a rewards program, but the guest checking in, a Mr. Zingone, didn't have it on his reservation. I tried searching for it several different ways, just the surname "Zingone," just his phone number, but ultimately could not find his account information.
So I told him, "Well, you may have had a membership, but it looks like it's... Zin-gone..."
He told me no more humor, just get me to my room. I think he was just as impressed, however.
This past weekend, my sister was visiting my dad and I. We're all on the same floor but they're both on the opposite side of the house from me. Suddenly, from across the house I hear my dad loudly yelling "PHONE!"... "PHOOOOOONE!" I walk over to check out the scene. I ask "What's going on?", and my dad replies:
"Your sister can't find her phone, so she asked me to call it"
...Seriously, dad?
For a little background my dad enjoys the more vulgar jokes. Anyway, he often jokes about his "company." In fact every time he answers the phone he answers as if it's a call towards his company.
(He answers the phone) "Hello this is the Viiiiibrator Repair Service." Caller - "the what?" Dad - "This is Dick Phitzwell's Vibrator Repair Service, as of right now only the installation department is available."
It's not a joke really cause there's no funny punchline. The caller normally laughs and then carries on with the call.
Another one he likes, "What does an 80 year old woman taste like?
Depends.."
The other day we are at the beach. We're walking back to our vehicle and he's carrying his metal detector in his hands. Random beachgoer - "Did you find anything?" Dad - "No, unfortunately my battery went dead... just like my ex-wife's 'curling iron' under her pillow."
There's many many more. I'll have to catalog them in some form. Let me know if you'd like to hear the life and times of Dick Phitzwell.
Not really a joke but I think you guys might appreciate it
Sometimes I find funny or cool videos about rc planes/drones on the internet and send them to him at home. So I found a video of someone crashing a 3.000$ drone at the first try to bring it up. My dad crashed his drone at new years eve but he got it to fly for a few minutes.
So I called my parents to check up on them and talked to my dad for a while, asking him if he get the video I sent him
Dad : "Yeah I got it, wasn't funny though. Remember new years"
Me : "well at least you got it up"
Dad : bursts out laughing "Hahaha I sure got it up" leaves the phone laughing and tells my mom what I said
I'm just sitting there while my mom joins my dad laughing
"I can't find my phone--can you call it for me?"
Dad: "Phone! Phone! Where are you?"
"So I called Denise this afternoon."
Dad: "What'd you call her?"
"Alright, love you too."
Dad: "The band?"
Let's hear some more in the comments.
My aunt couldn't find her phone and asked someone to call it.
Without missing a beat my cousin and I both yell out "Phoooooooone!"
I'm chatting with my girlfriend's dad about his recent ice fishing trip when he pulls out his phone and shows me a picture of his ice fishing spot.
It is just a picture of the lake-ice with a black X spray painted onto it.
I look at him, confused at first but then I realized he was kidding with me.
I tell him that he is going to have a hard time finding it next year.
He responds "I know the ice is going to melt, that's why I took a picture"
So a couple days ago as I was leaving work I get a phone call from a friend of mine who I shall call k during this story
Now K never calls people so I was surprised that he was calling me, and was even more surprised when the first words he said when I picked up where, “Acriloc you’re a bad influence on my brother.”
I was shocked at such an accusation, wounded even and asked why. K then proceeded to tell me how when he was at work he slipped on a recently mopped floor and fractured his arm. A coworker of his dropped him off at the ER where he decided to text his brother C, someone whom I’m friend with as well, while he waited.
C asked if K was ok, and how since K works in a kitchen what’s he going to do if he can’t use his right arm for a while. K then told C how he tends to practice using his left arm just in case anything like this would happen, and though he won’t be able to do everything he did in the kitchen he’ll still be able to work and help out.
C responded with, “I guess all that practice came in....handy.”
Causing K to burst out in laughter in the middle of the ER waiting room, filled with people who are in pain and not having a pleasant day. The amount of death stares he got from people as he was laughing while trying to point at his phone and explain he’s laughing because of a lame joke his brother sent him was quite the sight to behold apparently.
Apparently I am to blame for all this because C used to never make jokes like that until he met me since I try to find any excuse to make a dad joke.
I got a new phone for Christmas today and while playing around with it I misplaced my old phone and couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my dad to call me so I could find it by sound. All of a sudden he starts yelling my name and then shoots me a shit eating grin and says, "what? You told me to call you." But before he even had a chance to laugh at his own joke my grandpa (his dad) yelled across the house, "he wanted someone to call his phone, not him!" Then proceeded to yell, "Phone!!! Phone!! Where are you!?" Then both of them busted out laughing while I sat there still with no phone :(
Yesterday was my dad's birthday, and he turned 52. I called him to wish him a happy birthday, find out what he wanted to do for dinner, etc, all the stuff you do on someone's birthday.
Then I said, "You're only ten years away from your one-minute birthday!"
He seemed confused so I had to clarify... "You know, your... Sixty-Second birthday!"
I could hear the cringe through the phone, and I heard my fiancée groan from downstairs.
Now I just have to hope he forgets over the next ten years so I can make this joke again.
Me: I can't find my phone and it's on silent!
Dad: Too bad, if you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.
... when he went to the back to find a phone case for my friend. He came back out and said, "sorry, no dice."
I said, "that's okay, we were looking for phone cases."
Dad: I need to find my phone. Have you seen it?
Me: No. Why don't you call it?
Dad: Okay. Phone! Phone where are you? It didn't answer.
Me: Ugh.
Now he's just walking around going, "Phone? Phone!"
Friend: I can't find my phone and it's on vibrate!
Dad: Well you know what they say right?
Friend: No, what?
Dad: If you liked it then you should've put a ring in it.
Friend: I can't find my phone.
Me: Do you want me to call it?
Friend: Yeah thanks.
Me: [FRIENDS NAME]'S PHONE!?!?!?!?!
works every time.
"Hey dad can you call my phone? I can't find it."
"PHOOOONEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!"
groan
I was on the phone with my dad, and he told me he'd put me in touch with a friend of his about finding a job. I asked who, but just then my dad sneezed into the phone.
Me: "Thanks! What's his name? I'll give him a call."
Dad: loud, noisy sneeze
Me: "Huh, I don't think we've met. How do you spell that?"
Dad: "Not funny. I need a tissue."
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