My new girlfriend and I are both really into fitness, and I've got a really good feeling about us.

I just know we're going to workout.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Unc: "I'm not feeling so good....". Flakes away
πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SenSyllable
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Burnt 1600 calories today.. feeling good!
πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sonujohny
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a good feeling you guys'll appreciate this animation I made [:50 seconds] youtube.com/watch?v=Q1_KS…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BearticBeast
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Anyone have a feeling today will be a good day?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/angell54
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Hey dad, how're you feeling? "Not good... got that bird flu." What bird flu?

"Chirpees... they say it's un-tweetable."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hairy_colonic_jr
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 01 2017
🚨︎ report
I only buy the really good toilet paper when I'm feeling flush.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RUSTY_LEMONADE
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 08 2015
🚨︎ report
My socially anxious friend just got a PhD in palindrome studies.

I call him Dr. Awkward

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moc_gordy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..

..do you just get exhausted ?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
No one will listen to White Snake with me

SO here I go again on my own

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wushock4
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, one of my good friends told me that I often make people feel uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 67
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Nathan0492
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..

..no one even raises an eyebrow.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally used the dog shampoo today....

I'm feeling like such a good boy.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 138
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/piemamamer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does it feel so good to screw on a camping trip?

Cuz It's fucking intents

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rare_Breed721
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Ima start spelling weed oui’d cos I can’t say no to it
πŸ‘οΈŽ 374
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shpam-
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does it feel so good to find the solution to addition problems?

The answer is always whole-sum

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/linknt01
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the electrician say when he meditates?

Oooohm

πŸ‘οΈŽ 393
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/w0zzie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Iamonthemoonandthereisnoplacetogetabeer.

Youmightsaythereisnospacebar.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GenIISD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/she.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 518
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/theman_themyth_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Chemis-tree
πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ACrazyCookie491
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Alfred
πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Eater-of-Tacos
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

show more
πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
i don't feel good

Every time I've ever told my dad: "I don't feel good" or "I feel weird" he walks over, pinches my arm lightly and says "yeah, you DO feel weird" and it never fails to make me smile

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/uncomfortably_okay
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I posted something on here the other day and didn’t get a single upvote

I guess nobody Reddit.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song?

Do You Hear What I Hear?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 914
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TaurusGuy813
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My son keeps trying to swim inside the house... So I came up with this idea that I’m starting to feel REALLY GOOD about.

In door fins!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fatherfinger420
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Now’s your time to shine

Hope this is okay, but I write a new joke every week on a white board at work and I’ve run out of good ones. If you feel it’s relevant, I work for a roofing/siding company. Give me your best shot. I will reply if I find one to add to my list.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LadyBratcher
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

show more
πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My 9 year old wanted me to post her joke here!

What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks!

I am so proud of her! Edit: wording.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Valenshyne
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
This sub is going downhill
πŸ‘οΈŽ 19k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BradC
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BigDogAlex
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ThePrinceOfGoldHair
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony Stark’s parents?

One Buck.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to quit masturbation, but I couldn't...because on one hand, it feels good...ο»Ώ
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/xorflame
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
It made me feel pretty good when everyone in Jamaica thought I was macho...

Until I realised that's how they pronounce Matthew.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mtcarr79
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought my friend an Elephant for her room...

She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/studentadvisor101
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My 3 year old's first joke

What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter

Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rushpig
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Working with the raw materials I get imgur.com/BtgDLGt
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GaussWanker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I refused.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here...

...But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Majikthise042
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I feel like I had a good one in real life yesterday...

Mom: Why don't you use the trowel?

Me: Let's just call a spade a spade.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FerralWombat
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 01 2017
🚨︎ report
A hammerhead shark made from hammer heads
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Vermillion_-_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.